May-December's many climates
Bruce Willis, 54, just married lingerie model Emma Heming, 30. Harrison Ford, 66, announced his engagement to Calista Flockhart, 44.Few relationships annoy women over 50 more than the May-December union where the woman is a generation (20 to 25 years, depending on the source) younger than the man. The Demi Moore (47)-Ashton Kutcher (31) type of union is rare, and does not provoke as much censure as curiosity.
I've seen women with the perspicacity of a Supreme Court justice lose it when a 50-something man takes up with a 30 year old.
Their response is often like my friend Jay's Jewish grandmother's when he was dating one Bridget O'Hara: "And you're letting a nice Jewish girl sit home?" They see the scarcity of eligible men in their age cohort, and are not pleased to see a guy pass over vital, interesting, lovely fifty-something dames for a "girl".
The assumption is that the man is displaying a trophy, chasing his departed youth or reveling in the sugar daddy role. By the time they are 50, women have seen these scenarios often enough to make their blood run cold.But let's resist defaulting to the cliché.
Some couples I know tell me they fell in love with a person, not a birthdate, and the years between them simply dropped away. They are willing to brave differences in health or energy as the decades roll up; they navigate family or friends' approbation with good humour. One woman in her early 40s says her 70 year old husband is "the youngest man I know". Several have reared second families blended with first families, and that is some hard work.
And who cares what people think? Would you choose your partner by popular vote? As long as both people consider themselves lucky, who's to criticize?
The Younger Model
In the case where a man has chosen a new, much younger companion to bolster his status and flaunt symbolic virility, let him be as well. Would you want someone that superficial and insecure? Would you predict a fulfilling life for his partner?
The problem with relationships based on a "deal" is that you need your stack of chips piled in front of you at all times, and if yours is mostly composed of the gold chips of youth and its lingerie-clad charms, it will erode before your eyes.
So May-December might look the same from couple to couple but it's not.
There are great love stories with more than a small measure of courage and devotion, calculated deals, and old (and young) fools who find each other across an age gap. To assume all couples are together for the same reason- a reason that does not flatter the mature person in the couple- is the same error as thinking that a relationship has to be long to be significant.
Woody Allen, who knows a thing or two about intergenerational romance, will kick off the Tribeca Film Festival in late April with his new film on the theme, "Whatever Works" starring Larry David, Evan Rachel Wood, Patricia Clarkson and Ed Begley. I hope he has the guts to address complexity, rather than presenting stereotypical characters like those of "Vicky Christina Barcelona".A 50+ woman whose 48 year old buddy introduces her to his 23 year old girlfriend will need her full complement of good will and grace, because she's probably not going to respond with whole-hearted enthusiasm, at least at first.
Comments
And you're just looking at heterosexual relationships! Even more complexity ensues.
Trust me, this is not jealousy on my part. I LOVE getting older. And I've only just recently noticed this attitude. I've had other women my age and older say the same thing.
So, really that's the only thing that bothers me about the May-December thing - it's so many times an 'entitlement' on the woman's part. And yes, more times that not, the man wants a trophy to show off for his friends.
Comments? Has anyone else felt like this?
Like Frugal Scholar, I have concerns about the societal issues these May-December relationships represent, but I would never make a blanket judgement.
I didn't get together with him to be with someone older. All things being equal, I'd prefer someone my age. But a lot of them in the 45-55 range are hovering over their children at this stage of their lives.
For the most part, we seem to understand each other and enjoy being together. And that's the important thing.
However, I'm so sick of Hollywood movies where the middle-aged (or older) man is ALWAYS paired with a twenty- or thirty-something woman.
On the other hand, I appreciate, Duchesse and others who've commented, that you're not casting blanket statements. It's so easy for me as a woman in this society to look at these things (and now I'm talking about real May-December relationships, not those in the movies) in terms of the man's benefit (why is that?). But when I consider what younger women might see in older men, it makes a little more sense. Older men have a lot to offer in the sense of having been around the block a few times, very possibly having learned the hard way through divorce about what it takes to make something work emotionally; they've often outgrown or at least tempered the career drive of the earlier years that can make men unavailable to partners and families.
I have a dad who's such a man, and am married to one who becomes more relate-able with every passing year. Hooray!
So there might be some benefits for the women, too. I need to remember that younger women aren't just cute bodies and empty fluff. Thinking of myself first--I was cuter twenty years ago, but I wasn't an empty head.
A very thought provoking post! Thanks.
ma: Ogden Nash wrote: "Rarely are they incompatible if he has income and she is pattable."
Nancy: "Enjoying being together" is the essence, isn't it?
Pseu: I saw a lot of that too, and even multiple remarriage, each wife younger than the preceding, which creeps me out. One of Dad's friends had 4, two named Dorothy.
Sallymandy: Should have heard me rant after "As Good As It Gets"!
I've heard a few older men say it took them years to learn the value of focus on their family, and if they knew then what they know now, the first family would have endured.
But others did not make a careful and fitting choice when young. I know I didn't, either!
That said, I have known men who flee from marriage to marriage, often fleeing responsibility and the truth of their own age more than any particular woman. Sad is the woman who marries them. I have known young women who pursue older sometimes married men for the security they think these men will bring. I know lots of couples of similar age who have found each other and also couples where the woman is younger or much younger but the marriages are strong and equal. I find it difficult to make blanket judgements. At the same time the Hollywood habit of pairing older men with much younger women galls me now end because it is such a stereotype with broad societal impiclations.
The kind of comments Anonymous reports are incredibly offensive and even though I have experienced some of the same treatment, I still think a man who is lured only by youth and a pretty face is not much of a catch to begin with.
And to be a devils advocate here for a moment, let us not forget that there are some, although I am not suggesting that the women who write these interesting comments are among them, older women too who are looking for someone to take care of them more than they are looking for a partner. I have a dear friend in his early 70's who complains of how hard it can be to find women his age who he feels are interested in him more than his bank account. It may be that he has two homes and spends half the year in Palm Dessert, but he feels, rightly or wrongly, that there are quite a few widows and divorcees who seem to be seeking security more than a partner. He frequently states that he wishes he could find a woman his own age who is as aware, engaging and involved as some of the professional women he meets who are in their 40's and 50's. Granted the age difference is not as great, but, as in all important issues, there are many sides.
This, woman older than man, seems to be a trend round where I live.
Tessa: That's commonplace, but I have seen the inverse, where the woman has more means. But behind her back, some people call her partner a boy toy... people seem to be inherently suspicious of an age difference.
Mardel: My mom used to complain about that too; she said "At my age men are only interested in two things, nurse or purse." So I saw that concern in older women, too.
CompassRose: You're right! She's only 47- I changed it, thanks!
Imogen: I think there's a book in this, too!
I am with "Tessa - Scoffs" - you do not see a poor old guy on the pension with a young hottie! Now - that would be a movie to see! LOL
* You do not want to know what I think of Woody Allen!
I've noticed this too, the later wives looking a lot like the original but younger. It can be creepy.
I do feel irked when I meet someone who is married to an Irishman(I am Irish born and bred) I never minded before. I was dating more exotic men. Now I feel somewhat peeved if a woman comes into my store and tells me she is married to an Irish man and they go home to their cottage love nest to spend Summers. Yes I turn green- that should be me I am thinking. Lol
What a great write up Duchesse.
And as for Irish men, you can HAVE my Irish ex, who made Bill Clinton look like an Eagle Scout.