Swedish Death Cleaning: The living end

One of the Susanfriends (Suzanne, but it counts) decided to attack over twenty-five years' worth of accumulation in her two-bedroom-plus den apartment. I asked her if this was Swedish Death Cleaning; she flinched and said, "I'm not going anywhere for a while."

Though the primary purpose behind SDC is to unburden your heirs—to not leave a mess—it is also to enjoy life more while you're around. It's a Mari Kondo-meets-the-future approach. There are some twists to the Kondo canon. See the box at right below? It tells them what to pitch; I've just done mine.

Photo : Lessismoreorganizers.com  

But it's not for everyone; SDC gives Marilyn the creeps. Magpie Mar has neither a partner nor children to spare the effort. She says, "Let them junk it, who cares?" Listening to her, I realized not everything needs to be assigned to its next owner. I don't think I'll be looking down to scold, "What! You donated that chair to the Sally Ann?"  

When I relaxed about assigning everything, I began to address another front.

I have seen much estate-settlement mishegoss recently; the will is only the beginning. An onerous burden awaits the executor of an estate, often an adult child. I've been collecting stories from friends who suddenly are spending many hours each week dealing with banks, insurance companies, tax departments, lawyers, and heirs. 

My bank sent a letter about their full-monty estate settlement services, and I thought, Perfect! Problem is, their fee equalled that of a fancy car, and a hefty percentage needed to be paid up front. (What, I'm going to change my mind when I'm dead?) I learned there are cheaper pay-by-the-service options, and spoke to the son who will be the executor for the last parent.

But even before that point, someone has to step in and sort things out. Imagine you (and if you have a partner, both of you) departed this world tonight, but not at home. Ask yourself, Who will be dealing with the details?  How is this person going to know how to open a Kryptonite bike lock, where the wills are, what to feed the elderly dog?

I have heard about friends whose partners left them assets, but didn't think about the time it takes to access money. If you have a partner, keep a joint bank account with enough in it for—depending on your situation—immediate or exceptional expenses. (Depending on your jurisdiction, a credit card that is a second card on the partner's may not be accepted after the death of the primary cardholder.)

Prepare an electronic file. Print hard copy and keep in a binder; if you prefer only electronic format, keep it in a labelled envelope, not one one of many unlabelled thumb drives. Don't forget to update.

Suzanne discovered a gift to herself after SDC: she cleaned out so much that she found she needed less living space. In July, she moved to a light-filled 1-bedroom unit in her building, saving a nice chunk on rent and getting the bonus of recently-renovated kitchen.  

One last memory about "who will come to deal with this". Mary Anne asked me to rush to her apartment in New York if she died suddenly. She pointed to a bureau drawer that held intimate accoutrements and said, "Make sure you get these out of here before my mother sees them!" 

Over thirty years later, she's still here, her mother is not and I'm relieved I don't have to beat Mrs. M. to the punch, because the border's now closed. So that's something else to think about: if you need a discreet hand, pick a confidante close to home.



Comments

Leslie M said…
You could post this once a month and it would not be too often. We should all perform SDC. Due to marriage estrangement I have moved twice in the past 2 years, and each time cleaned out more and more. There are still a couple of boxes and a filing cabinet that I purposely overlook. So much paperwork! This makes me think, do I really need my mother’s marriage certificate from her second marriage or multiple copies of my 2nd grade school picture? Do I even need 1? But if it is a challenge for me, imagine how it will be for others. I have no children, so it would fall to a friend. (She doesn’t know yet, so I hope she isn’t reading this.) Thank you for this reminder.
Lynn said…
Another thought -- my parents had a large folk art collection. They took pictures of each piece and noted the size, but little else. After their death I let family members choose pieces they wanted to keep, but then I was left with the task of trying to figure out what was left. If you have art, please take photos, attach the sales slip and provide any information you can so that whoever inherits does not either have to 1) hire an appraiser at great cost or 2) spend weeks trying to figure out what they have inherited. Ideally this information will be kept in fireproof boxes along with other important papers. This is also important for good jewelry, especially heirlooms that have family significance.
Anonymous said…
Yes it is a task and a half. My father passed away earlier this year and he had saved everything since elementary school. I have sorted and sorted and sorted; sold things; gone to Value Village and the recycle. Some items will be unfortunately going to the dump. Finally the apartment has sold, finances have finished. I miss him dearly but I am extremely tired.
Allison said…
Aww yes...my parents were the worst pack rats! They owned six homes over their seventy year marriage and dragged EVERYTHING to each new home acquiring more with each move. Three years ago they moved to a retirement home but hung onto house number six ( warehouse?) until the three of us said it’s got to go. I do not remember the summer of 2018 as every weekend we dutifully travelled 390km to help my brothers empty that place. We filled five dumpsters and made innumerable trips to Value Village as well as donations to various charities....what we did not know was that my father was taking a taxi and loading up boxes AND transferring them to the retirement home ( they have a two bedroom, any guesses as to what the second bedroom is used for;) My mother died last October and left me all her jewelry except what she had bequeathed in her will. My Dad has decided to keep it and has been handing it out to other people. The problem here is that he has done that with bequeathed pieces...my brother and I are the executors when my father passes and we are not looking forward to it. I will be emptying out our large home next year as we plan to downsize to a condo and our cottage. Honestly I am looking forward to less ‘stuff’...I think of my grandmother who upon her death owned very little.. She lived in long term care and had given away everything of value that she owned except her wedding rings and her sterling silver rosary. She had gone from being the grand dame of a large High Park house to a single bed in a nursing home. Leave no baggage and no hard feelings behind.
But that must have been very tragic for your grandmother, unless she had lost her mind. She certainly didn't need the High Park house anymore (who inherited it?) but ending up in effect homeless is horrible.
Jane in London said…
I absolutely agree with Leslie M! It's essential to have paperwork trimmed down and in logical order, and to get rid of excess stuff (and then avoid it creeping up again).

I think one problem is that too many people put this off thinking they'll get around to it, but then mental and physical faculties begin to fail and they either can't do it or no longer see any reason to.

I have had so many friends who became burdened with clearing out gargantuan amounts of possessions and complicated (or simply muddled) paperwork when their parents died.

Their legacies from this work ran the gamut from anger, distress and physical injury to, in one case, mental breakdown. Not something any of us would choose for our children or close friends, but that's the reality of it...
Laura J said…
I’ve had many discussions over the last couple of years about readying ones worldly goods for after death. A few have said that they didn’t mind plodding thru great-auntie’s stuff and dealing with it, others have sad sagas of family feuds and literally years of paperwork. I’m of two minds as much depends on size and dynamics of family; however, finances and wills must be in order, someone needs access to all digital materials and accounts, if there is art or other items that have clear market value those must be in order as well. Personally I’d clear out more but sometimes I really am trying to remember that name of X who was in that summer workshop....if you have a poor memory bits of paper help!
I had a chuckle a few years back as I saw an advertisement for a trust company who used the traditional Canadian feud over the cottage as the reason to use their services! The cottage does seem to be a flash point for many!
LauraH said…
Cleaning out my parents home before my Dad moved was very very difficult and stressful. So anything I can do to help my executor is time well spent. Thanks for this post, it reminds me to review my preparations which were made several years ago. A useful way to spend some time this winter!

One piece of advice - when I was executor for my Dad, I was able to cope with some resources from my lawyer and by using the estate specialist at the main downtown Toronto branch of my Dad's bank. She was a tremendous help. I've heard horror stories from friends who used their local bank branch so would always suggest searching out the specialist at HQ if at all possible.
Duchesse said…
LeslieM: Thank you for pointing out those to whom the task falls are not always children, but even they are not especially willing (see Allison's comment.) I especially like the idea of a box filed with things that have meaning to you, but not to others when you're gone. I have one of those, plus one marked "Ancestral", which contain photos of my family back to 4 generations. It is up to my sons how much ancestral stuff ephemeral they want, but I doubt they will have any use for my wedding dress receipt.

Lynn: Excellent advice, thank you! I keep a file of all artwork receipts and if gifts, who the person is. My mother used to march me around for at least a decade before she died, reciting the provenance of various things. Much better to have a file.

Anon@ 3:55: I am willing to bet most parents do not realize what they are laying on the settlor of an estate. Though one has moments immersed in tender memories, it is still a slog. I have never been so exhausted, even though my mother left the financial part well-organized, the physical task was gruelling.

Allison: You had me at "my Dad decided to keep it." This is illegal if Your mother made specific bequests in the will. I do not understand why this behaviour is permitted to continue but there must be some family issues in play. Usually heirs are notified by the settlor that a bequest has been made to them, with contact information for claiming it. An heir can refuse a bequest, which has to be done in writing. Anyway, it raises the question of whether the heirs want their bequest. And if you want yours.
fmcgmccllc said…
I am now the one dealing with my mother and her wishes. She has a will and a trust and cannot make a decision, family are stealing and taking advantage and it is one hot mess. I do not want to clean this up and have been thinking about refusing when the time comes and letting her appointed grandchildren deal with the aggravation. Oh, and none of her children talk to one another and do not get along. There is no way this will not be ugly. So sad. My grandmother got rid of everything in her own time and way, only her bedroom had to be taken care of. I remember my Uncle asking where her jewelry was and we could honestly say, we don't know who got what but she gave everything to whom she wanted to have it, and did not share. She was 94 when she died.
Duchesse said…
Jane in London: I'm seeing this family stress all the time. At the worst time to take it on, someone has to handle myriad details. A woman whom I know and her common-law husband stopped at the bank en route to hospice to change his bank account to a joint one. He died two days later. (This after 37 years of living together and seven years of him knowing he was seriously ill.)

They had no children so it was all on her: the finances, his pack-rat possessions and the big celebration he specified. I was fond of him, but by that point, after she became ill from stress, I could have whacked him on the head.

Laura J: Cue the classic (well, to Canadians) song "You Sold the Cottage" by Martha and the Muffins! My goal is transparency, and that includes telling the heirs •now• how much Canada Revenue takes of the registered funds in an estate, so there may not be enough left to rent a car! BTW a trust officer I spoke with advised, "Never leave property to your children on a joint-ownership basis."

Laura H: Good advice to go to the HQ (especially for sizeable estates) and in my friends' experience even the HQ person is luck of the draw. They rail at ineptitude re lost forms, conflicting information, failure of bank officer to comply with requirements from CRA and lack of knowledge of rules re foreign heirs.

Canadian content: The provincial law societies, banks and trust companies have put together comprehensive checklists that list the tasks of an executor (or in Quebec, liquidator). In ON and QC—I don't know about all provinces and territories— a person can include a direction in her will that the executor can be paid for her time while performing these duties and that resulting fees (for many of the duties) are to be paid by the estate.

All: re "the stuff", see also my post in which an estate liquidator, Penny Schneider, comments:
https://passagedesperles.blogspot.com/2016/10/what-to-do-with-stuff-estate-organizers.html

Duchesse said…
fmcgmccllc: I am not sure how they are accessing your mother's assets, and am puzzled by the "I do not want to clean this up" because, well, theft is wrong and this is from a vulnerable person. And do I ever relate, it is not just opinion. I got a lawyer and initiated action against the grandson who was taking advantage of my mother. I had no remorse whatsoever about stopping his reprehensible behaviour.
Duchesse said…
fmcgmccllc: I'd like to clarify my reference to a lawyer. My mother's financial affairs were managed by a bank's trust officer, Philip, with whom my parents had a long relationship. When I sought his advice, he got the bank's estate lawyer on this grandson's tail. Phil said, "We have a fiduciary responsibility and if relatives are into her money, we will step in." Before that point, I had asked Mom what to do and she said "Nothing"; she did not want to create rifts in the family, but I went ahead anyway because it was a reprehensible case of taking advantage.
Carol in Denver said…
I had a will and other end-of-life papers prepared by a lawyer last spring. One son declined any share of my estate (he's quite wealthy), the other two kids each got an electronic copy of my will, one also got a paper copy, as they wished. My son, the executor of my estate, is an owner with me on all financial accounts which I keep in impeccable order. I'm sure he will just junk everything in my house, or at least have an estate sale. I'm preparing an end-of-life notebook for the two kids and will include info on a few things that have some value that they may not realize -- a 1960s vintage lamp, for instance. A number of large art books and some Issey Miyake sewing patterns could bring some money. Not sure about sterling silver, I've heard no one wants that any more but it should still have some value. I can't imagine parting with everything should I have to move into a nursing home but others have done it so I suppose I can, too.
Allison said…
No lagatta à Montréal my grandmother did not die homeless. She merely divested herself of her worldly goods in preparation for leaving the planet. She lived with my parents for a few years and then deteriorating health dictated she move to a very nice nursing home. The large house was sold many years before as she and my grandfather also downsized. When he died she sold that house and moved to a nice apartment which she shared with her sister for many years. When her sister died she moved in with my parents, always with each move she gave more away. She was 95 when she died and was well loved by her family, there was no fighting over her will, she left me her rosary which I treasure.
Duchesse, Thank you for your concern but we know our father well, he is ninety five and the bequeathed jewelry has recently been tracked down by my brothers and will go to the designates upon my fathers death. My mother owned a large and valuable ring which she wanted me to have ( I am an only daughter) my father said he was giving it to my nephew’s fiancée who has a lovely ring. My brother has told his son that they are not to accept it from my father as per gramma’s will. It pays to have several lawyers in the family so I am not worried. In Ontario the surviving spouse inherits the estate except personal bequeathed gifts...My father does not quite understand that piece but his lawyer is aware and has spoken to him. During le grand nettoyage of their house I did avail myself of a few items that held memories for me ( with my brothers approval of course) my family has endured incredible loss over the past five years but we have developed resilience and now know where and when to pick our battles. Fighting with a bereaved old man over a few baubles is not one of them. But that is us for other families I know circumstances can be very different.


Duchesse said…
Allison: Thank you for clarifying what you characterized as “ the problem ». It sounds as if you have found ways so that you mother’s wishes are honoured, while tactfully addressing your father’s It also points out something very important for those of us thinking of making bequests of property that will be in the possession of a surviving partner: it may not happen, not because the partner acts in bad faith, but for other reasons. I hope to give my pieces away before I die.

In Ontario, the surviving spouse has certain claims to the partner’s estate but that will depend on whether the union was common law or legal marriage, and whether there was a will or not. I say this (as an ON resident for 40 years) not concerning your situation, but mindful of that of several women who felt their common-law unions were «  the same as a legal one » and then faced red tape re inheritance and therefore financial security. Explanation:https://www.cleo.on.ca/en/publications/propertydiv/what-happens-property-if-one-spouse-dies

Carol in Denver: «  In impeccable order »: you have just given me my standard, thank you!
Lynn said…
A second issue we had to deal with when my father died was the homeowners association. They refused to let us have an estate sale. My father had arranged with someone to have one once the family had chosen what they wanted to keep (the process was amazingly amicable)and thought he had cleared it with the HOA. The new chair found an obscure clause and refused. i was the executor, signatory on all my father's accounts and a participant in planning the sale so everything was carefully done. Instead we spent six months flying back and forth clearing out the house piece by piece with some help from the person who was supposed to run the sale. It was just awful.
Duchesse said…
Lynne: Thank you for this piece of information, I have never heard of that! It seems to place a burden on everyone in the association who either lives alone or is the surviving partner. Reminds me of the interview I attended when my mother moved into a retirement home at 92. They said, «  You have to vacate the apartment within a month of your death. » She said, «  Don’t worry, I plan to leave immediately. »
SewingLibrarian said…
Just a short comment. I’d advise everyone not to discard any birth, marriage, or death certificates of older relatives. These records are becoming increasingly difficult to obtain for genealogical or lineage society purposes. If you don’t want to keep them, find the family genealogist (there’s usually one in every generation) and give them to him/her.
Hester said…
I am 50 with still young children (age 10 and 15) but already have this mind set. In particular with regard to the (over) ease of digital photography. I weed our digital photo collection regularly and make 'photo' books with a narrative to give the images context. Otherwise, I can foresee eventual overwhelm and a wiping of the lot, to the ultimate loss of my children's long term memories of family times growing up. (Informed by my current experience of jumbled shoe boxes of photo prints from the 1970s that I really can't be bothered to identify. Curious, but not curious enough to spend the time need to create retrospective order.)
I enjoy the possessions that I enjoy, for me. I don't hang on to things that don't appeal to me but 'someone might like some day'. I let go. Chances are, no, they won't appeal to anyone else either!
Duchesse said…
Hester: Photos probably deserve their own post, and I thank you for raising the matter. Good for you for whacking away at the jungle of digital photos so many of us have. I have wondered what will happen to them. Our sons were in their teens when digital vanquished film, so we have three albums of family photos (I have done at least three culls in the last 15 yrs), which traverse their childhood. I was amazed to find how precious these are to them—partly because they capture their early years, but mostly because they can sit together and pore through them. One son borrowed them to share his favourite childhood memories with his fiancée.

The albums are one of the very few things they have asked who gets, not in the acquisitive sense, but because they want to know where they are.

How many persons ever print their digital photos and make albums anymore? So, I share your question and suspect at best they will maybe downloaded into their computers or maybe stored on a key.
Duchesse said…
SewingLibrarian: Thank you for your librarianesque comment, so helpful. I'd add another reason for keeping them (and originals can be important, so give scans to the genealogist): A friend have wished to apply for citizenship from a country where it can be claimed from a grandparent. She needed to prove the citizenship of her paternal grandparents and their residency in that country. She has their birth certificates, several diplomas from educational institutions, and a land deed from which she could obtain tax records proving the length of time they lived there, so she got it.

Some of those documents could be obtained from official registries but it would have been time-consuming and expensive.

As my mother always said, "It pays to keep good records".

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