When a child choses estrangement
(Names and minor identifying details have been changed.)
I met Meg and her husband Joe when they visited Montréal six years ago; a mutual friend suggested we meet.
Meg spoke warmly of her adult children, Jason and Meg, and especially about her daughter's children. She and Joe (their stepfather) travelled from Florida to Michigan to see them several times a year, and hosted them at spring break. She was determined not to be a "Skype Granny".
We stayed in touch via e-mail. Our next meeting was two years later, in Paris, where we happened to be at the same time. Meg was subdued; she immediately told me of a sudden, inexplicable estrangement within the past year, in which she and Joe had been barred from all communication with Meg and her family.
Emotions flooded her face: confusion, shame, grief, frustration. Joe said that Meg had become so depressed that she could not celebrate Christmas. I've witnessed friends' break-ups, job loss, and death, but there is a quality to this loss that has its own shade of grief. I had four other friends in the same situation.
Just when I began to wonder why this was happening so frequently, the New York Times published an article, "Debunking Myths About Estrangement", by Catherine Saint Louis, which drew 2,000 comments. Most adult children who severed ties with parents reported a history of neglect, abuse, or hostile divorce; these scenarios were often complicated by a parent's untreated mental health issues.
But some in Meg's situation commented too, saying they had no idea why a child had chosen to exit their lives. I wondered, Is it possible for the adult child to deem the relationship untenable, while the parents are unaware of the gravity?
Apparently it is; now, women in the Passage are speaking of the situation, a #MeToo of maternity. Besides Meg, there is Anita, whose thirty-three-year old daughter Steph had been a favourite of mine since daycare days; Marcelle, whose son vanished so entirely it took a private investigator months to locate him; and Trudy, whose son told her he has a "chosen family" composed of friends and his partner, and wants no contact with her.
Meg received an out-of-the-blue olive branch last Christmas, when her daughter sent photos of the family. They have since visited twice. Meg says they don't talk about the rift, and though Lynne is not effusive, they get along better each time.
The other friends are therapy in case the door opens a crack, but also to help weather the present.
After a three-year unexplained estrangement from Steph, Anita and Eric eagerly agreed to family therapy initiated by Steph's fiancé after Stephwas hospitalized for depression. Anita found the bitter blame painful, Eric was infuriated by the inaccuracies. In one session, Steph asked for an apology from each, saying that when she was an anxiety-filled adolescent, they were non-supportive.
"There is a kernel of truth in her resentment toward us—we did not understand what she was going through— but if I apologize for things I did not do, feelings I did not have, it is a kind of lie", she said.
Anita recommends the two-part podcast from Brené Brown's "Unlocking Us" series, "How to Apologize and Why It Matters", with Dr. Harriet Lerner. She used that counsel to make a heartfelt apology yet still maintain boundaries. (Find it via your usual podcast provider, or on Brené Brown's site.)
Though Steph is not yet willing to talk outside the sessions, it's a start.
For most of the estranged women I know, the situation is unresolved. On low days, they blame themselves and some have been told that they "must know what they did". Shame, just like in the #MeToo movement, needs to be shelved so we can open up to one another and face a complex issue.
As I said to one of these women, "Don't give up. A child can change and grow at any age, and so can we."
Comments
Hope your friends are able to work through their estrangement.
J
She is all about reconciliation even if that means just reconciling yourself to a situation you cannot change. It’s a weird dance where you have to let the child lead and that can be frustrating. They want no contact then you have to respect that, they want to talk then you make the time, A really good family therapist can be invaluable in helping you navigate this journey. Try not to involve extended family if possible as everyone will take sides and that can interfere with healing. This is your circus and your monkeys,nobody else’s. Over time it may be necessary to share with family members, be selective and just share on a ‘need to know’ basis.
Above all have hope, a child who is truly loved will find its way home sooner or later. Leave the door open.
Now my son is 26, a successful young professional, with a girlfriend who doesn't like me (I remind her of her father, supposedly) and I feel it's happening again. I had a bad car accident in March, and he stopped talking to me for a couple of weeks after that. That hurt at the time, because I was in a rather bad shape and felt vulnerable. I recovered nicely, but our relationship is distant now, and I expect it to become more so as time goes by.
Thing is, my son won't break my heart again. I have been through this, I survived it, and life goes on.
We lose people and things in the course of our lives. We lose our children's love too.
Beth: I thinks spouses, if attuned to such tings, always has perspectives about in the parent-child relationship that the adult child does not, or hasn't put in context. A supportive spouse wishes the best for the partner's birth family (given that they are not abysmally dysfunctional), and one with his or her own issues can be an accelerant for issues and pain.
Anon@ 10:43: Thank you for the book reference. One thing I believe by now is that love does not conquer all, in any relationship.
Leslie M: A partner can maintain some kind of tie, if willing and skilled. I just watched "A Beautiful Day in the Neighbourhood" about this very kind of situation. Though sorry and shocked at the cause, it's an opportunity to reconnect with your brother, if only at a distance.
Allison: Thank you so much for these resources. I am gong to pass them on to my friends who don't read this. I'd only add that it can be a fits and starts process, with advances and then retreats. That's exactly what the women I wrote abut (with the exception of Marcelle, whose son had a fatal heart attack) are doing, leaving the door open.
Anon @ 3:50: I find it difficult.. well, impossible, myself, to not feel heartbreak if the thing that's happening is intensely sad for me. I certainly understand the wish to be less devastated! it's been more a matter of acceptance (per the Serenity Prayer) than being able to control how much the "next round" affected me, when I have lost a loved one.
Anon@ 3:58. Maybe, but there were no indications. You raise a good point, that if something relatively trivial or "fixable" like the timing or duration of visits could be raised and discussed with goodwill and the wish for a workable solution, it might not come to an estrangement.
At the very beginning of my career, I participated in a year-long training program in family therapy, because i lived in an underserved community and had a related graduate degree. I learned a great deal but also it was. the hardest work I have ever done— like putting your hand in a moving engine to repair it but there was a chance your fingers would get cut off. I have enormous respect for the skilled therapists I knew both then and since. Very demanding work.
Gauss: Yours is another voice speaking here of a different situation, the child who cuts ties with an abusive parent. That is a difficult situation and I am relieved to hear you have put it in perspective. My post is not about that situation with these particular women. I do know some other parents whose child cut off all contact for the same reasons you did. I also know some who have more or less resumed contact after the parent achieved a stable mental state.
I believe his family probably partially blames me, as we are politically in alignment and I didn't grow up Catholic. But their overt support of such hateful rhetoric makes it feel impossible to connect they want to.
However, your husband's mother knows the reason why closeness is so difficult. Often the only resolution is to keep a certain distance and refuse, with compassion if one can summon the grace, to be baited or harassed. It seems to me that, once you look at the extended family, at leat half seem to have a family member with whom they cannot talk about certain topics.