Want, desire and stopping shopping
During a two-month summer respite from blogging, I was struck by the notion of want, how that Janus word means both "desire for", and "lack of".
Want, the urge for the new, the different and especially the youth-granting is the gas of the still-sputtering retail engine. We are sold by appealing to desire, and also by persuading us that we have pressing, unfulfilled needs.
Removed, mostly, from the workplace fashion show, I'm no longer a Good Little Consumer, needing so little– but I can still be lured by desire, by the beautiful and unusual. And sometimes by the sale.
Reading blogs again, I was struck by the continual cycle of buy and display in some. Am I jealous, I wondered? Yes, occasionally; someone showed an antique bracelet that I found magical.
But mostly, I thought, Where do you put it? What did you do with the last four dresses/two bags/antique finials you bought just months ago? Do you use all this?
As they say in AA, when you point a finger at someone, there are four pointing back at you. (If you try it, there are in fact three–but you get their drift.)
I donated two bags of items to charity and then returned to self-righteously raising my eyebrows.
And I was not immune from spending. The summer's discretionary funds addressed
a) the mysterious disappearance of a favourite earring
b) the supreme stupidity of leaving two (!) necklaces on the hook of a change room in a store.
I was disappointed that someone didn't turn them in to security; fortunately, the jeweler could make replacements.
Joanna of Red Sofa said, "I'm sorry you had to spend this money and not get anything new", but sometimes what we want most is what we have, or had until a moment puffs it away. So much in life is gone for good, once it leaves, and the material is the least important of those losses.
I saw why, when my mother died, I found, among new clothes with the tags still on, soft handkerchiefs embroidered in her maiden-name monogram and a silk muffler autographed by friends in Dad's graduating class. The most-cherished possessions are not necessarily the newest.
Last month, my son's partner launched a blog about her resolution to stop compulsively shopping and eliminate debt. "Lady T." considers the habit's clutches at "Breaking the (Shopping) Contract", here. She doesn't pull any punches, saying, for example,
"I don’t really like the term shopaholic. I can’t help but think of cute things, like pink dresses, dainty handbags and 6 inch high heels, none of which I own myself.
The name shopaholic has also been tied to humorous tales of people falling into debt in funny ways and then selling their things and living happily ever after- all while wearing adorable cardigans, name brand skinny jeans and Jimmy Choo pumps. Again, it’s not real or at least, it’s not my reality."
And I admit I've been an Enabler, picking up the odd jumble-sale item ("This will be perfect on Lady T.") and enthusiastically admiring her finds. I realize my attitude of, Why not? She'll look so pretty in that! is actually not helping her. Fingers are pointing back at me, but now, knowing her resolve, I'm cleaning up my act.
Have you any advice for beating a shopping habit?
Want, the urge for the new, the different and especially the youth-granting is the gas of the still-sputtering retail engine. We are sold by appealing to desire, and also by persuading us that we have pressing, unfulfilled needs.
Removed, mostly, from the workplace fashion show, I'm no longer a Good Little Consumer, needing so little– but I can still be lured by desire, by the beautiful and unusual. And sometimes by the sale.
 |
| Oooh, I envied her bag! |
But mostly, I thought, Where do you put it? What did you do with the last four dresses/two bags/antique finials you bought just months ago? Do you use all this?
As they say in AA, when you point a finger at someone, there are four pointing back at you. (If you try it, there are in fact three–but you get their drift.)
I donated two bags of items to charity and then returned to self-righteously raising my eyebrows.
 |
| Twig Hoops by Red Sofa |
a) the mysterious disappearance of a favourite earring
b) the supreme stupidity of leaving two (!) necklaces on the hook of a change room in a store.
I was disappointed that someone didn't turn them in to security; fortunately, the jeweler could make replacements.
Joanna of Red Sofa said, "I'm sorry you had to spend this money and not get anything new", but sometimes what we want most is what we have, or had until a moment puffs it away. So much in life is gone for good, once it leaves, and the material is the least important of those losses.
I saw why, when my mother died, I found, among new clothes with the tags still on, soft handkerchiefs embroidered in her maiden-name monogram and a silk muffler autographed by friends in Dad's graduating class. The most-cherished possessions are not necessarily the newest.
 |
| "Lady T." |
"I don’t really like the term shopaholic. I can’t help but think of cute things, like pink dresses, dainty handbags and 6 inch high heels, none of which I own myself.
The name shopaholic has also been tied to humorous tales of people falling into debt in funny ways and then selling their things and living happily ever after- all while wearing adorable cardigans, name brand skinny jeans and Jimmy Choo pumps. Again, it’s not real or at least, it’s not my reality."
And I admit I've been an Enabler, picking up the odd jumble-sale item ("This will be perfect on Lady T.") and enthusiastically admiring her finds. I realize my attitude of, Why not? She'll look so pretty in that! is actually not helping her. Fingers are pointing back at me, but now, knowing her resolve, I'm cleaning up my act.
Have you any advice for beating a shopping habit?
Comments
I LOVE Joanna's jewelry. She had just started making it when I got my first job and had a tiny bit of money, and she was working with organic shapes and silver and turquoise and gawd I love that necklace. And she's so nice!
In terms of controlling shopping, though... I've been working on that as well, because I would rather have savings and a cabin next to a lake than pretty bags I don't use. What worked for me, and might work for you:
- Restricting blog usage. Blogs with a new! shiny! things! focus tend to make me want a pair of cute turquoise pants and yet another purse, and I really don't need that. I've been reading more blogs of the "DIY cute decorating" and "dress to suit your body" type (I highly recommend Always Pretty), and find it's much less about consumerism and more about using what you have in better ways, or using vintage (and therefore usually cheap but reasonable-quality) things.
- Taking my credit info out of Amazon, Indigo, and Etsy. Because if I need to find the credit card and re-enter the information, chances are better that I'll think about whether I really NEED that 5$ purchase.
- Go shopping with people who value quality over quantity. In my case, my sister is GREAT to go shopping with - we have a lovely time together, and come home with exactly what we need and not really much else. Friends who push the "oh why not, it looks great" pressure-buying are No Help At All.
Good luck! :)
Now, reducing my alcohol consumption, that took a little effort.
Oh by the way I love that bag, do you know where it came from?
Clothing is just too cheap nowadays. And you can always stuff another item in. And--let's face it--it's fun.
Debt is another story and very dangerous for one's future.
I have stopped frequenting blogs that display consumption far beyond my means and comfort level--like ones that feature Hermes bags, like the one you have pictured. And I wouldn't have been able to identify it if I hadn't seen it featured in blogs!
So exciting that your son has a sweetie!
I tend to skip the "loot" blogs in favor of more balanced "life" blogs. I skip fashion magazines altogether. The writings of my fellow bloggers have spoiled me!
Another strategy that works for me is remodelling good quality items. Have just taken a jacket to the alteration shop today to have the shoulders made smaller.
I freely admit that I love to shop and buy new things. I also buy more than I need; especially now, since I am mostly retired and don't really "need" anything! But I have never bought anything I can't afford, and never ever run a balance on a credit card. On many of the blogs I read, I marvel at how the writers and commenters casually purchase $3000 bags or $600 shoes. While I am trying very hard to shift my focus to fewer-items-better-quality, there's still a limit on what I would spend for an item and it's way less than a lot of women are spending, apparently.
That said, it gets so dull to wear the same old thing all the time, no matter how lovely it is. Sometimes we just really need a new thing!
I guess I'll really never be wealthy as I've actually turned jewellery and a wallet found thus over to security, and yesterday, waited for 15 minutes by a bicycle rack as I noticed that the newish bicycle beside my trusty old one was not locked at all - the lock around it was not connected either to frame + wheel or any stationary object.
I did tend to shop compulsively far more at Lady T's age - I made more at in my later 20s than I do now, and had almost no fixed expenses - apartments were dirt cheap here back then.
Anonymous October 4, 2012 4:33 PM, those francophile/frugalish blogs often make me laugh - I'd like to force a few of them to live in a tiny Parisian studio with no built-in closets and one smallish wardrobe for everything.
Hmm, want (in both senses)... and desire. Desire can mean wanting stuff, or relationships we can't have, but it also fuels creativity, so not entirely a bad thing (I'm no Buddhist).
That said, I admit to buying more than I need, although I've been doing less, editing more, the last year or two. I justify the focus by pointing to my job -- don't want to bore the students, right? But yes, I also try to be a bit mindful of the example I'm setting AND how it must feel to see all this and not be able to partake. I applaud Lady T's thoughtfulness and will be interested to see her progress on the blog.
The best way to get oneself out of debt is to make a realistic budget and stick to it. If you can't have credit cards without running them up, get rid of them and pay cash only. I think the old-fashioned envelope system is a good one. You put the money for each type of expenditure in its envelope and when it's gone, it's gone. If you don't use it all, you can carry it to the next month to use to pay down one of the cards. The best way to pay down debt is to start with the card with the highest rate, not the highest balance, pay it off as fast as possible and then pay off the next highest one and so on. Things I gave up until my credit card debt was gone: eating out, nonfat lattes from Starbucks, new clothes, books, cds and jewelry.
Interestingly, just thinking about stopping has changed the way I view possible purchases. I find myself thinking about whether something will last for a whole year, or whether I might get tired of wearing it. I thought I was already conscious of good quality, but I've come to realize that I never seriously considered things like durability.
Shopping your Wardrobe
Jill has put together the most extensive and well thought-out program than you could ever imagine. She has pulled together all the experts, offers a plethora of fantastic information and various levels of personal support based on ones needs. She is the kindest person with first-hand knowledge and struggle with overshopping. There is a weekly lesson that covers everything from body-type/color/money/compulsion/debt/shopping your wardrobe and replacing urges with thought-out plans. I truly cannot say enough great things.
BTW, it would honestly do many women that do not even consider themselves compulsive overshoppers, a lot of good. It also helps women that are paralyzed by the thought of shopping (because they just don't know what to buy based on their body, no idea of their style etc.) and so they don't.
There are some parallels to what Vivienne Files offers in the way of learning what suits you and filling in accordingly (when the year is up). It is that and so much more.
It is not easy and I feel her pain. There is some other unmeant need that we try to fill. It is not always so obvious to figure it out. I wish her the best--it is a tough road.
Eliminate all temptations. If you do not see it, you cannot buy it. Often easier said than done.
Mater, I had a French teacher from France when I was a freshman at the University of Illinois. She and her husband were visiting scholars for a year. She wore the same skirt and sweater every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for the entire academic year!
Forty years ago I lived in a small white cottage on a Greek island. It contained a bed, a table, and 3 wooden chairs. Our housekeeping, done in 15 minutes after breakfast, consisted of sweeping the floor, shaking out the rug, and emptying the enamel washing-up basin over the balcony. Right now it seems as appealing a way to grow old as it was to be young. I wonder.
C.
Stay out of stores, and have more sex. Seriously.
GP: My suggestions are intended to assist women looking for sources of beautiful, well-made (usually not mass-produced) and sometimes specisl or hard to find items. ANd, I must add, clothing not made for 20 yr old bodies (18 inch skirts, anyone?)
I don't intend that they acquire compulsively or mindlessly. Check the posts under the label "consuming": I continually write critically about the disposable, you-deserve-it consumer culture.
As for my own situation, I divested over 60% of all possessions in 2010 and have bought little except to replace what has worn out or lost- except for two scarves that stole my heart, and I'm delighted to have them.
Ros; Hi! Wonderful to share the love for Joanna- she's remarkable.
It's not I who shops compulsively... I'm the opposite! Moved to a small condo, divested 60% of my wardrobe and hold strong value re not buying what I don't need. I live with zero debt, another value (my mother's daughter). The person struggling is my son's partner, a smart young women with deep values for social consciousness and change, a true humanitarian (in her work and community service)- and a crippling shopping hsbit which has put her into debt.
Une Femme: Always a good practice to turn off the spigot and see how it feels.
LPC: And let's not even talk about what happens after a couple of glasses of wine at lunch, then shopping!
Gretchen: There is only so long shoes can keep going and white stays white. You might find it useful to do as I have learned, make a "Re-Up List". That way you know what is on its last legs and don't get led into pointless purchases, or if you do, at least you know what's happening. PS: I loooove your 'uniform', and am happy that you are (it seems) recovered.
hostess: Still room for a few blackberries, thank goodness! And you have an eye for a bargain!
frugal: There is a lot of mutual enabling in the blog world, and no one *ever* says "What, another one???" to someone merrily displaying their booty. (No matter if Hermes or thrift, a woman can overconsume according to her means.) Is there thesis material here? I have always admired your openness and self-examination.
Jane W.: Will Lady T. will avoid fashion mags (what else to do at the hair salon :)- she is young and gorgeous. But I can easily give them a miss as so few of the things shown would suit my body and age.
Anon@12:17: Your words "...also realized that if I kept buying new things, I would not wear all the great things I already had and were also very well chosen" evoked such resonance in me that it kept me awake (mean that as a compliment!). This principle is one of the fundamentals in consuming consciously. H
Will read the book- sounds like it contains many insights, Huge thanks.
Chicatanyage: I did a similar challenge and wrote a summary of what I learned,
"Post Express Checkout: The unanticipated pleasures of a spare wardrobe":
http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=2872918251244874644#editor/target=post;postID=6192263211695658060
Viktoria: Many readers (and I) recommend "The Vivienne Files", Janice's blog, to help you make better choices. And it's free, thanks to Janice's generosity.
Jill Ann: Yes; as Janice of The Vivienne Files once commented, "we tire of our clothes before they tire of us". I still buy the occasional new thing, but also, I realize my boredom is a cultural artifact and that I can re-invigorate the thing by wearing it in a different way. Something new *is* fun but I find that lift does not last long, as Lady T. points out in her own blog.
I can so see how a woman can deeply value frugality yet get into compulsive buying. I called her Mom.
Lin: That's my intention, and I'm relieved that some readers appreciate it.
materfamilias: I mulled over your comment and asked my student-age women friends (many of whom I saw at a party recently) if they could remember what their profs wore last week... only one could- "A plaid skirt, I think?". So, I suspect your tongue is in your lovely chic.
And yes, Lady T. writes very well- one of her many talents.
Wendelah: That is correct; my posts under the label consuming should make that clear, and I show things to help others hone their eyes- and they in turn have honed mine.
Your tips will make absolute sense for anyone in debt or struggling with consuming. I have zero debt since overspending and scaring myself silly in 1982- result of comforting myself during a divorce with designer clothes.
And "chapeau" for beating yours!
Ms M: You make a useful distinction. Some of the highest quality is not very durable- such as some exquisite but fragile handbags. Once you have assembled a good core wardrobe, a year off shopping is entirely possible but is sure is nice during that year to get the occasional gift of a new top or scarf, or swap with a friend.
Gauss: Smaller closets here, too! And I so enjoy them uncrammed. Ever notice how no one asks those questions on the loot blog?
Anon@11:57: Great resource, thank you! Lady T and I agree that compulsive shopping is about filling other unmet needs. And at times it is about getting your head turned by a sale rack or just having fun with a girlfriend. It's such a pervasive culture.
SewingLibrarian: Well observed; even if you can justify your scarves by their many virtues, if it stresses your bank account, time to stop. Textiles, especially scarves or shawls are my Achilles Heel; they don't wear out, always fit and vary my simple wardrobe. But 'enough is enough', even for such satisfying purchases.
C.: I'm grateful for your affirmation of what I'm actually putting up here. Le Du and I downsized (space and possessions) dramatically with this move; visiting friends say how "spare" it is. We love it, and I can finally truly and efficiently keep house, not just shift stuff.
Kristien62: At one of Muriel's trunk shows, I was struck by a woman who said "I wear her things into the ground". I doubt few of us do that with our clothes. So, hope you get there. Your "one occasion" item remark is spot on- they are space hogs and money pits.
sisty: Knowing my son, I think Lady T. can find ready cooperation for implementing your advice ;). Other readers might have to do a bit of "shopping around".
But, seriously too, the affirming and bonding qualities of sex can allay anxieties that otherwise ca manifest in various compulsive behaviours.
I struggle, not as much with the larger expenditures, as those are tempered by the availability of funds, but with the sneaky smaller ones which add up and also create clutter. I work in the midst of a potential spending opportunity in a downtown area rich with young-seeming and -feeling stuff. And the convenience of all of it Right There. I added an app to my phone and started tracking all the times I decided Not to spend $30 or $40 on something that seemed nice but which I really do not need. This has made me pay more attention to the times I go into a mindless consumer haze.
None of this is to say that it's easy to notice myself getting into "the wanties" when I know darn well that I have more than enough stuff. Very easy to be a consumer and very difficult to be a mindful one.
I have somewhat somewhat more free time, will expand on the topic and thank you for the request.
lagatta: A native Montrealer, she is well-versed in the charity/thrift shops as well as our many sidewalk sales. As Lady T says, the dress might be only $10 or $30 but if you keep spending when you don't have the money, big trouble. And she didn't wear anywhere near all those finds.
The virtues of honesty (returning found valuables) and kindness (standing guard on the unlocked bike) as you have displayed will not of themselves prevent one from ever being wealthy. The barriers to wealth creation are of a different order. Keeping somebody else's wallet wouldn't make you instantly wealthy, that takes winning a lottery. But depending on others' misfortune or luck for wealth (if indeed one has that as a goal) is not a reliable strategy.
My French friends live in apts smaller than the North American standard; they do not accumulate as much. One of my most avidly-shopping Parisienne friends is a Buddhist, go figure.
For 2 yrs I wrote down every penny I spent and was that illuminating! I stopped but still like to see how long I can keep $20 in my wallet without being a total wet blanket.
Susan: Thanks. Sometimes I think about it so long it's gone- but usually it is still there if I really want it. Travel can put me in a twist, because I will not be back anytime soon.
Of course being thrifty does not mean being "penny wise and pound foolish", skimping on shoe repair or new clothes we need. One thing we need here in Montréal is boots that are at once 1) warm and comfortable for a long walk 2) resistant not only to water but to the salt and other gunk used to melt ice and 3) reasonably stylish, as in wearable to work. Always expensive, and a joyless purchase as in the same shoe store there are lovely buttery-leather boots that don't cost any more than the clunky, practical ones.
And for the bustier among us, bras. Supportive ones are extremely expensive, hell to try one, and never as pretty as the ones we'd really want.
Like other readers I find, that there is a huge amount of bloggers especially in the US- blogosphere who's main job is shopping. I wonder about , when I read "all the money was gone" ore "The fortune faded". Duchesse though doesn't belong to this community.I always appreciate her post which show us high end designer fashion and what is preferably affordable for us "normals".
@lagatta à montréal: google Ludwig Reiter.com. It's an Austrian Company who produces the best Winter Boots you can get for money: "Maronibrater". They ARE expensive, but they last lifelong and they aren't ugly! I own a pair since about ten years and they are still in perfect condition. I live in a similar clime, Munich/Bavaria where correct Boots are an urgent need.
Those look lovely indeed. I may be travelling to Europe before winter, for a conference, but don't know yet. There are no locations in Canada, though I may write to the company. Also depends on whether I have the discretionary income, of course, but it is a lovely resource.
Actually, until recent years, our winter would get much colder than yours, with temperatures dipping as low as minus 30 (C), but, due to climate change, in recent years we've had more see-saw weather and not as much deep cold, while there has been a lot of snow and severe winters in Western/Central Europe, certainly in Bavaria (I have friends there).
J
That challenge was not undertaken to find a magic number; it did, though, reveal how many duplicates and unworn things I had. Donated these and have not replaced.
Also, "the number" is affected by
1. Climate. Here, we have a 60+ degree (Celsius) temperature range, so need clothes to suit that.
and
2. Lifestyle. If you work outside the home and require business attire or occupation-specific items, your requirements are larger than that of someone who needs a casual home-based wardrobe with maybe a few dressy things.
I read a lot of sewing blogs and often find myself thinking, "Really?! Do you truly need that? Do you truly have room for it? Are you kidding me???"
As for tips, I have a counter-intuitive one: Do once-a-month "look-see" trips to see what's out there, but don't actually buy. Then, once you have an actual need, you won't be in a panic.
It's extra-tempting for sewers, who can fall in love with a fabric and buy for use "someday". When I sewed, I did that all the time! If you identify the project first, then find the fabric, one is less likely to overbuy.
Like you, I miss the time when I could wear anything (and, two sizes smaller). But I try not to be down about my body, as that self-dislike affects my joie de vivre. It's not that I turn a blind eye, but now I look at, say, a tight, short dress and think "days gone by" wistfully. Kind of like how I approach banana splits :)