Late Life Heartbreak, Part Three: Refusing stereotypes
One reader offered her experience, which she has permitted me to post. Writing some years after those first months, she provides a longer-term perspective, for which I thank her deeply.
Refusing a Stereotype:
When I read through your list of things to do after a split, this was the one that struck me most, perhaps because it is the most insidious and because I honestly believe this is something one truly can control. I have also seen others who have fallen prey to it - it is unpleasant and I refuse to have anything to do with it or them. In fact I had to cut off a relationship with an old friend who was also divorced - I refused to join her club of anger and self-deprecation.
I am a fortunate woman. I have a career that I love and could never have imagined the level of success I have achieved. I have always had friends but now I have friendships of a depth and importance that I would never have imagined. I have terrific kids who are turning out pretty well. I have serious interests that I have been able to pursue. Shortly after my marriage broke up I entered into another relationship which was not meant for the long-term but was loving and meaningful nevertheless.
There is a Jewish philosopher named Abraham Joshua Heschel who said something to the effect that one should create their life as if it was a work of art. The psychiatrist Victor Frankl said that one of the few things we can control in life is our attitude. I thought about these ideas a lot - I realized that with the divorce I had been given this opportunity to create the life I wanted - that was, the inner adult life I wanted - certainly there are many many constraints on what I can do, but at the same time I realized it was an opportunity that I had not had before. It sounds a bit simplistic but something worked. I think that one of the biggest aids was surrounding myself with people who had a creative and positive (although realistic) outlook.
If I sound like Pollyanna, you should know that I am not. I am a critical thinker, have serious responsibilities, and refuse to sugarcoat what is in front of me. At the same time, I refuse to let anyone else write my story for me - it is my story, and to the extent that I can write it, I will insist on that."
What began as two posts drawn from the experience of friends and acquaintances has grown, and I appreciate each comment and e-mail. Living through the end of a long relationship is like walking a maze. You may not know what direction to take; the only thing to do is slow down, set out, choose the next few steps, and trust yourself to end up at the center, in the right place.
The reader who wrote the above comment mentions philosophers whose writings helped her; a book I found invaluable is "Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life" by Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg. One of the women who contributes to the first two posts likes Byron Katie's books, especially "I Need Your Love–Is That True?"
Comments
I agree with your contributor (and what a great contribution!) that attitude can often make of break our lives.
Every long-term relationship has its ebb and flow, and after decades together, there is usually some kind of challenge, often of the sort you have lived through.
Thank you for your comment, which reminds us that partners who stay together (whether recommitted or still working on things) can reach a new appreciation of their bond.
Perhaps I will write about those situations, too- but for now, your comment is an important and moving an testimony.
If someone treats you like shit, anger is a healthy response, and denying it can have a serious impact on psychological and physical health. I had to be allowed to feel anger and rage after a relationship with someone damaged by "institutionalised violence" and abusive as a result.
(Institutionalised violence means war, torture, post-traumatic-stress among combatants and civilians, racial, ethnic and other persecution, rape as a weapon of war ... you get the picture).
Anger can be a very positive thing and lead women who have been ill-treated to help others who have experienced similar misuse.
Not everyone has the same resources to protect herself against the impact of patriarchal violence (physical, economic or psychological), even if we have always been in paid employment. I fear that the recent generalised slump will mean an upturn such distress, worldwide. I'm sure Barbara Ehrenreich would have a lot to say about this.
No, your grown up kids do not need you to stay in an "intact" marriage, you like the status and trappings c'est tout. Your husband fell out of love with you years ago when he had his affairs and he very likely is still at it unless he has ED or health issues like so many older men do. You are just too blind to see it that's what she refers to as feeling "off balance". It's knowing something is not right but she values "appearances" above all else and being an older divorced woman is right there at the bottom of the societal barrel only slightly above being a crazy cat lady or whatnot.
Since I don't know this couple, I wouldn't presume to make assumptions about their motives, feelings, values and needs. But you do- and from behind the screen of anonymnity.
FWIW, I have seen men enter therapy or counseling willingly- and also initiate it. My experience is different than yours.
And, I too feel off-balance some days.
And Anon @7:32? "Each to their own," as my husband's grandmother used to say. You can't possibly know what's going on in another person's marriage or soul.
And I want to add my condolences upon reading about your sister.
Jean S.: Thank you; I speak out about her when the occasion arises, as suicide casts a permanent shadow on a family. Any opportunity to prevent it, I'm going to do what I can.
Such a heartfelt post and really adds to the honest exchange of information.
Let's be kind and understanding. There is nothing sadder than suicide.
All the best
Sue
In my post, I have only the barest description of my life, without details.