Uneven Aging: Affairs in order

At least four friends are currently dealing with their partner's fifty-year accumulation of goods, from classic guitars to cupcake tins.

Where does Uneven Aging fit in this? Uneven Aging comes in two variants: in the first—Constant Unevenness—one person becomes less able than the other, and that situation endures. The other is Alternating Unevenness, where one person has, for example, a hip replacement, recovers, and everyone's fine, but the next year the other develops COPD. What both Unevennesses have in common is that the currently-healthier one has a truckload of work—everything from replacing a shower door (and guess what, that model is no longer made) to organizing a major move. 

A couple should make a plan and execute it, even if the afflicted one can't manage the physical work: "Do we really need a full tool shop in the basement anymore?"; "You've mentioned updating your will, shall we make an appointment?"; "What should we do about the boxes of our parents' old home movies?"

The Swedish solution to paring possessions

Charles and Gene, discerning pack rats who collected art, exquisite objets, and more cooking gear than an Iron Chef set, were the kind of couple who owned fourteen tea strainers. Charles tried to broach the idea of an "early inheritance" for younger relatives who had admired some of their things; Gene would not let go of a single marrow spoon. 

I have some empathy; our possessions are props in the play of life, and without props, the afflicted person can feel like an understudy. At the same time, I figured the spoons, his three hundred neckties, and the extra dining tables, settees and wing chairs were destined for the Last Chance Saloon of possessions: the estate sale.

The pack rat's last cache

Sylvia recently moved her husband, Alain, to a memory-care residence. As she prepared his things, she saw how much her children would eventually deal with, and began to distribute sentimental items like a hand-thrown set of dinnerware for twelve, untouched for the past decade. She will use the estate liquidator who had handled her mother's house contents to sell other items. 

When I mentioned that this is the purpose of "Swedish Death Cleaning", Sylvia blanched. "Neither of us is dying!" she protested. We need to rebrand this concept—maybe just "Swedish Cleaning"? Margareta Magnusson's "The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning" explains the steps, and mentions that the process is equally useful for moves or major life changes like the end of a relationship.

The Spruce posted a useful checklist for SDC:

The Spruce.com

Though retirement is often a prompt to initiate SDC, Charles and Gene managed to hit that milestone and just keep acquiring. Sylvia, who has long maintained an airy, uncluttered home, initiated it with less difficulty. She sold their car and now leases. A granddaughter pruned the digital files by eliminating duplicate photos and links. 

If you have property, maintain it

Several friends who are coping with their own or inherited property are shouldering repairs that should have been done years ago. Janina, co-executor of her parents' estate, is being sued by another heir who wanted a quick sale of the family home, at below market value. (The executors will win; in her jurisdiction, executors are permitted to spend money from the estate for repairs that preserve the asset.) Maintenance also applies to vehicles, furniture, and other valuables that need upkeep. 

It's easy for elders who must attend to health issues to put off repairs; there's the search for reliable and skilled  tradespersons, and the costs can seem high. They get stuck in their ways: that ceiling crack has always been there. 

Adult children may be reluctant to mention deficiencies, because pointing out that the water is seeping into the basement makes them sound like Helicopter Heirs. It is far better, though, to start talking; better a few ruffled feathers than a collapse of the henhouse.

Many communities have renovation assistance services to help locate credible contractors; a good place to start is with the insurer for your residential policy. Sylvia looked at her luminous but lived-in apartment and saw that it was time to update the bath and renovate the kitchen, so that she can enjoy those improvements and add to the unit's value. 

Some elder men (it is always men) dismiss this approach and tell me, "I'll be gone, what do I care?" They seem unaware that warm memories can be chilled by onerous requirements. Janina loves her parents still, but the suit has dragged on for nearly three years and caused family tension she is sure they never intended.

Rethink financial arrangements

Sylvia is deeply attentive to Alain's personal care; she buys crisp new clothes and shoes and arranges haircuts and grooming so that, as she says, "he looks like a monsieur". But she is working on other fronts, too. She set up a joint chequing account with her son who lives here, and made him her trusted representative with her financial advisor. She has given two essential passwords to her children; the first  for her iPad, the second for a file on the start page, "Emergency Info Alain and Sylvia".

By contrast, Gene refused to open a joint back account with Charles, or share his computer passwords. This was not an issue of privacy, Charles says, it was Gene's way of maintaining his autonomy. Charles handed a sum to Gene every month, and never thought about what might happen. "Gene's approach to aging", Charles remarked, "was to totally ignore it."

A few months ago, Gene died suddenly, leaving a devastated Charles locked out of everything he needed for both day to day and extraordinary expenses—what a mess! (He is Gene's sole heir, but it is a slow process for funds to be released.) Charles' sister flew in, provided a loan, helped him organize the memorial, and fled back to Arizona. Before she left, she made one thing clear: Don't call me to deal with the hoard.

Charles is still spending hours a day trying to retrieve essential details. In a way, he lives in the past, unable to consider what he might wish to do now.

Sylvia lives for the present, while accepting the inevitable losses to come. She used an Italian proverb to express this aspect of Uneven Aging: "La vita è fatta a scale: c’è chi scende e c’è chi sale.": ""Life is like a staircase, it goes up, it goes down."