Post-menopause: After The Change, hello, more change
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| There's life after fanning |
A woman might be so thrilled to step off the roller-coaster that she doesn't notice the new territory. But she will have new changes to address.
She is now in the years I call peri-elderhood. The hot flashes, mood swings and insomnia abate, but despite the cessation of night sweats, one is not going back to 40. Dear ones, do not shy from the term.
1. Body shape
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| Look for the lady with the tape |
Whether you have weight gain or not, your body shifts, thanks to gravity and decrease of muscle mass.
Get a bra fitting. Above a B cup, change your bra every 6-8 months to get unequivocal support. If you were proud that you never needed a bra, consider that even small breasts change shape and placement. A light sports or cami bra will give you a better profile.
Resist cramming into your former size. If your undies or pants are too tight, you'll feel crabby. Your feet might spread, requiring a wider fit.
If you want to reduce your weight, let go of the number you were at 30; set a realistic goal related to health, not dress size. Notice your posture, which completely changes how you look, regardless of weight.
2. Strength and vitality
You might experience what I did, a surge in sense of well-being as the menopausal static dies down. Wow, I feel so much better... but then a sneaker wave hits, the awareness that you no longer have the stamina you once did.
An exercise physiologist advised me, "Move it for an hour a day, any way you can." This was probably the best advice I got post-50, and it's still valid.
Peri-elders need to retain muscle mass and strength, so if you only run, walk or cycle, add weight work or weight-bearing exercise like yoga or Pilates. I have 60+ friends devoted to Zumba; the key is finding something you like or at least can stand.
You know about osteoporosis, and you don't want it! But one day you might see a photo and be shocked; debilitation happens gradually. Here's a good summary of preventive steps.
2. Strength and vitality
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| Maintain muscle |
An exercise physiologist advised me, "Move it for an hour a day, any way you can." This was probably the best advice I got post-50, and it's still valid.
Peri-elders need to retain muscle mass and strength, so if you only run, walk or cycle, add weight work or weight-bearing exercise like yoga or Pilates. I have 60+ friends devoted to Zumba; the key is finding something you like or at least can stand.
You know about osteoporosis, and you don't want it! But one day you might see a photo and be shocked; debilitation happens gradually. Here's a good summary of preventive steps.
3. Hair
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| Electrolysis |
Nora Ephron said, "At 65, Mother Nature gives you a birthday present: a moustache." That "Grow a 'Stache' for Prostate Cancer" is a guy thing. Waxing, electrolysis or laser: name your weapon.
Your hair may be thinner than before. If you colour your hair deep brown or black, try a shade or two lighter than your usual or experiment with lowlights, because very dark colours accentuate the scalp, making even slight loss more evident. (See this previous post on thinning hair.)
Try new haircare products; texture can change, too, and you might need masques or different shampoo. Conditioned grey hair looks very different from underfed grey.
4. Face
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| Annie Liebovitz |
The major wrinkles and furrows are now untamed by anything in a jar. Skin care remains important, but reject widespread manipulation of insecurity you'll find in ads that tell us to "fight aging". They remind me of the era when obviously pregnant women were not supposed to be seen in public. To revile age is to reject life.
Annie Leibovitz, 62, said, about the photographs she took for her book "Women" (written with Susan Sontag), "I didn't want to let women down. One of the stereotypes I see breaking is the idea of aging and older women not being beautiful."
At the same time, I have a few acquaintances who look, thanks to eye lifts and jowlectomies, pretty much their age but without the major sags and bags. To each her own, but surgery (especially the anesthesia) terrifies me.
Find something to smile about every day, and frame the smile with a pretty lipcolour. (Even though Annie seems not to wear any, I like it!)
5. Teeth
You now have lower estrogen levels, which can affect bone density, extremely important to your oral health. If you need dental work, don't put it off. (For my money, a better investment than Botox.) Dental faculties of universities often have clinics that offer work at reduced cost if that helps.
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| Whitened, but not extreme |
If you got thorough a sleep-deprived menopause on daily beakers of caffeine (and, I admit, red wine) like I did, bleaching products lift the worst of the damage.
You don't need to achieve Regis Philbin florescence, but the removal of dingy stains boosts your confidence and looks.
6. Sexual health
If you have a partner or partners, keep talking as well as doing. Your body changes internally as well as externally; topical creams and lubricants are available through online boutiques like the wonderfully-named YesYesYes.
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| Recommended |
Partnered women say that addressing the relationship, not just love-making, can be more effective than new techniques or toys. I especially recommend "Passionate Marriage" by Dr. David Snarch, a wise and deep book.
7. Psychological changes
Menopause can put a very intense focus on one's self: How did I sleep? How could I have forgotten that meeting? What did she mean by that remark?
Now, fini. With fond respect, it's time to get over the drama.
You are free of the wild mood swings, but you still have moods. Month-old babies, adolescents, the FedEx delivery guy—everybody has moods. Like the weather, moods shift, deepen, dissolve. Without the ceaseless physical static of menopause, you can recognize your moods for what they are, weather.
Figure out what kind of elder you want to become, then live in a way that's consistent with it.If you wish to deal with deep stuff, it's not too late.
When there are relationships to mend or improve, I recommend Dr. Marshall Rosenberg's book, "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life", or workshops led by those trained in his approach. (The web site Center for Nonviolent Communication lists events.)
When there are relationships to mend or improve, I recommend Dr. Marshall Rosenberg's book, "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life", or workshops led by those trained in his approach. (The web site Center for Nonviolent Communication lists events.)
Life holds potential for growth in each stage. There are losses to face, but as Margaret Mead said, "Coming to terms with the rhythms of women's lives means coming to terms with life itself."
Comments
big hug,
Vivienne
An older, wiser friend said, "I've decided the way to age well is to live like a peasant: walk a lot, carry heavy objects, eat simple food, be with people." And I would add to that what she embodies but was too modest to mention: put others first. You rightly point out how (necessarily, perhaps) self-centered menopause can be. Letting go of ego can bring pleasant surprises at any age, but it seems particularly appropriate (and a bit of a relief) in later life to acknowledge that we are no longer running the show.
C.
BTW, for facial hair, I *highly* recommend threading if there's a salon or brow bar near you. In fact I'm going to do a post about it. It's easier on the skin (esp. skin around the eyes) than waxing.
I like what C. said about "aging like a peasant."
Pam: Thanks, does one continue the cream when menopause has passed?
C.: I and many readers will appreciate and remember your friend's comment. And I too do not whip though lists anymore.
pseu: Will look forward to your post, have seen it but not tired.
LPC: I read As Time Goes By too. I like that it is political, and I love Ronni's frankness. At the same time many commenters carp, and you know what I think about chronic complaining. But then, aging without many resources is a tough situation.
kathy peck: Great addition, thanks!
General anaesthesia - this is my phobia. I can have a panic attack if I think about it too deeply, I hope I never have to be put under.
We have to face up to all these forms of decline and loss, but somehow not become obsessed by them. I fail to see anything positive about getting older except the great biggie - not being dead. A friend of mine in Germany died this past week - her husband is very distraught - they were a very loving couple that formed in middle-age; both were previously married and divorced.
One thing I am MOST uninterested in is life without drama!!!
Practicing balance exercises is crucial ~ falling as you get older becomes more common and can have very dire consequences. So start now!
Must get a new bra now :)
I, like many of you, have begun to notice waning stamina.
Today, I am rejoining an exercise class that focusses on core strength and balance.
This was such a good post Duchesse. I'll be coming back to reread it and follow up on the links you provided.
Chicatanyage: Thanks for these recommendations. Yoga and pilates fans unite (and touch your toes)!
Thats Not My Age: Sometimes I feel like a lone voice, saying, Excuse me, age is not a disease.
Monkey: Hello, young 'un, glad you find something here.
lagatta: Govt health care covers dental and oral surgery that is medically required to be done in a hospital, and in some cases, dental work related to facial abnormalities. Many provinces have plans that offer some help, such as Ontario's Children in Need of Treatment and disability support programs. Because I saw, in my native country, people financially ruined by medical expenses, I'm grateful for what we do have here.
kathy peck: I posted about balance a year ago:
http://passagedesperles.blogspot.com/2011/02/fine-balance.html
hostess: Good commonsense advice, but how often I put off that physical!
All: A friend just sent me this joke:
The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday."
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter....
"Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church either."
Then there's the crepey skin, all over; droopy eyelids; and shifting body shape. That last one was hidden for a while, because I was overweight, but after happily losing 40 lb I discovered that things were not in the same place any more.
I am not the type to do surgery, probably, but I'm going to look into lasering. Also trying to commit to more exercise besides just walking. I suppose I'll get to the calm acceptance stage that Duchesse and others have reached, but it's hard. I guess I'm lucky that my looks weren't the only thing I had going for me in my younger days. I have a sister-in-law who fits that bill, and I'm interested to see how she deals with aging going forward....she's 53 now and still trying for the "hot mom" thing.
I have found my post-menopausal years to be wonderful ( though I DO wish the hair growth was on the head rather than chin!) But we need to demolish the myth that aging is negative.... it's largely being concocted by all the ad agencies whose main goal in life is to make us insecure and unhappy so we'll buy more stuff/procedures etc....
Alexandra P: Actually this post is about *post*-menopause; there are a lot of good books on menopause, and its effects vary widely.
Jill Ann: A very good book that explores the diminishment of beauty is "Face It: What Women Really feel as Their Looks Change"" by Vivian Diller and Jill Muir-Sukenick, which I have posted on here:
http://passagedesperles.blogspot.com/2011/06/face-it-beauty-aging-identity-peace.html
As I said, the book goes wider and deeper than just physical appearance and is not your typical fluff.
materfamilias: Read "Somewhere Near the End" and found Athill an elegant, precise writer, but not appealing as a person. As she said of herself in that book, an essential coldness at the core. Maybe I should try her other books.
Margot: With so many of us making the transitions to elders in the next decade or so, you would think they would wake up and realize we do not want to be told a product will obviate the inevitable signs and effects of living a good while.
I went back to read the post about the book "Face It"; and the aspect about identity is true. I'm terrified of losing my hair; would think I was looking at an alien being. I'm sure many people have such terrors; they aren't just a matter of vanity but of the identity of the self and presentation of self.
I have mourned the loss of a few things with age. Now I hope that there will be an opportunity to let go of some things that used to matter and that I felt so insecure over. Even in terms of decluttering my house, a process you have been through also.
It's going to interesting growing older with my community of blogging friends of a certain age, many of whom made interesting comments on this post.
Mater tagged me in a meme and I am passing it on to you...I hope that you are able to participate. I'll be posting it this afternoon.
Hostess
northmoon: Seems to me to be a real change, technology has brought communities of interest into possibility, much more than a generation ago.
hostess: I'll go see.
At not-quite-50, I'm actually not sure where I am in the menopause process. Because I've taken hormones to prevent menorrhagia for the last four years, it's harder to judge what's going on. But when I have my annual workups in May (I do all of the "female stuff" in my birthday month, so I don't forget anything), my doctor and I will be working out a plan of attack.
My advice for feeling vital (and not too complainy) is to have friends of all ages, not just in one's "decade" -- spending time with people who are much younger and much older has a wonderful way of widening and deepening one's perspective.
(And of course you know how I feel about NVC.)
Most dispiriting about reaching the 60s is the gradual loss of elders. Parents, aunts and uncles, family friends, mentors. I don't feel wise enough yet but the time is coming when we will be the oldest generation.
Rubi: friends of any age are important and I'm posting more on that soon.
Anonymous@ 5:51: Oh yes, the ridges! We lose our elders, and I miss them- and very sad to me is the loss of friends even younger than I am. When I hear women complain about their wrinkles or weight they cannot lose, I remember my friends who would have given anything to still be here.
It was so good to be done with menstruation that I went through menopause without taking hormones.
Insomnia has been part of my life since childhood, but the hot flashes were annoying.
Although I began weight lifting in my 40ths I was diagnosed with osteoporis (genetic) and as a result I had three bone fractures.
What still makes me angry is the lost of stamina, but I try to be kind to myself an work on acceptance...
Sometimes I think of Dorothy Parker, looking into a mirror, asking herself "what fresh horror is this?", but mostly can take it all with a sense of humor.
Sesam is a daily part of my Yogurt/Muesli Mix.If you roast the Sesam, it tastes even better.
To crush it, ask your Asian Shop for a Sesam Mill(it's produced in Korea).
barbara: Thanks for those sources of calcium, and as a bonus things I like. (Do sesame seeds on my bagel count?)
One of the commenters mentioned focusing more on others. The opposite was true in my case, I was so focused on others I lost track of myself and the body/mind changes got the upper hand. A year later things are back on track but I'm more careful now about reserving the time I need to take care of myself.
Losing my mother was painful, but a relief; her care was both complex and demanding. Am starting to write letters to myself about what to think about if I reach late elderhood, but of course my perspective could shift.
So I started running and doing weights to keep active. And so discovered the second change - I sweat, and I do mean SWEAT when I exercise like never before!
I think you have a very wise book in all this...
Louise: This post is abut what happens after menopause, because I found even more changes to cope with. HRT helped me dramatically during menopause, but there is some risk, and the protocol may not be effective for all women.