"God bless the lonely people"
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| from www.tightywhitesartsite.blogspot.com |
I thought of the refrain from "Eleanor Rigby",
"All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?"
Where do they all come from?"
Assuaging loneliness of those who wish relief is a mitzvah. But some bear their loneliness without the wish of ready rescue.
Because our culture gulps stimulation, loneliness elicits pity. The culture doesn't think much of solitude, either. We like the extroverts, joiners, mixers. Are we elevating those qualities, and imbuing loneliness, a universal human condition, with shame?
The art is in thoughtful response to loneliness, within ourselves or others.
Because our culture gulps stimulation, loneliness elicits pity. The culture doesn't think much of solitude, either. We like the extroverts, joiners, mixers. Are we elevating those qualities, and imbuing loneliness, a universal human condition, with shame?
The art is in thoughtful response to loneliness, within ourselves or others.
Loneliness is like a vast desert; if you focus only on the hardship and barrenness, you do not see the beauty. And like the desert, if an oasis does not appear eventually, most of us languish.
If loneliness is not shameful, neither is it noble; like pain, loneliness doesn't make one stronger. It simply makes one more aware of the nooks and crannies of existence, of the boredom born from self-absorption, of the longing for intimacy paradoxically co-existing with the freedom of solitude.An old friend wrote at Christmas of his ability to shift from anxious loneliness to peaceful stillness through his meditation practice. Others find respite in the visitor, the congregation, the invitation to mingle. Salespersons know people often shop because they are lonely, even if the shoppers themselves are unaware.
That anonymous donor saw that, when loneliness is coupled with deprivation, every drop of vitality drains from the spirit, and I am grateful to him.
And for a heartfelt endorsement of restorative solitude, I recommend Pico Iyer's essay, "The Joy of Quiet" in The New York Times.
And for a heartfelt endorsement of restorative solitude, I recommend Pico Iyer's essay, "The Joy of Quiet" in The New York Times.
― Janet Fitch, White Oleander
Comments
I've had major stress in my life over the last year and the other night I commented to my friend that I felt so alone and she hit the roof, I realised then that it had very different connotations for us both, she felt that I wouldn't lean on her enough and to me it's more the fact that we ultimately face everything by ourselves, even if we do have with friends and family around us.
I can't say anything about the rest of the world but I think that realization that in the end we must face the world by ourselves is one of those dark secrets we try to cover up with pretty things and much business. You can be very social and surrounded by people and you can still be very lonely. I think that is one of the things the last few years taught me. I never minded silence or even being alone for extended periods, but I didn't feel lonely until recent years, and it doesn't really matter how many people reach out to help, you can't avoid the loneliness if you are to grow at all. Eventually you have to face the world yourself.
I think accepting that one faces the world alone makes one a richer person, but to paraphrase Azar Nafisi in a book I just read --understanding doesn't necessarily bring peace -- or even happiness.
I am never alone and sometimes long for it, while at the same time fearing it. I'm not familiar with it and believe I should be. I would like to know how I would live with it, whether it would terrify me or make me feel content. Curious. It's a subject I don't like to think about really. Maybe I'm a coward.
Happy, happy new year again dear Duchesse.
And in the time I've had to think about things over the last weeks, I've come to what I think is a useful distinction -- the key to learning to embrace solitude is to come at it with curiosity about what it can offer, rather than expectations about what we ought to be doing instead, or worries about what we might be missing out on. It's been a much richer experience for me since that I made that shift.
What a wonderful contemplation. That anonymous donor strikes a chord with me. Each of us is so very different in this. I crave solitude and seek to have a little in each day. I don't know any other way of exploring the texture of my inner landscape and developing an understanding of the world around me. There are times when it brings discomfort but I'd rather wish for solitude than feel an unsatisfied hunger of searching for others to fill a need that they can't.
Great post Duchesse.
C.
What about those of us that are lonely because there literally isn't anyone there? There is no family, there are no friends, there is just us. It doesn't come down to a misguided attempt to fill a specific need with a specific person, it's a desire for what other people have: companionship, camaraderie. I, for one, don't expect any one person to fill all of my needs, but when one literally has no one... well, that's different.
I spent the holiday season and new year's alone for the first time since I was born. After my parents and husband were off on tripsa and I had recently lost my dear maternal grandmother, no less.
But I chose to convert a potentially miserable time into a quiet, restorative, and also sometimes active soujourn. Cheers to the lonely people.
pseu: I have learned that being alone does not equal feeling lonely any more than being with others insures against it. Like you, being increasingly comfortable with solitude helps me weather the times when I do feel lonely.
Mardel: I like that quote; relecting on it, for me, understanding adds a certain depth to the sadness that imbues loneliness.
Tish: Others have made the distinction between solitude and loneliness. One can be alone, but not lonely- so should you be alone, your experiences might shift from time to time. The loneliest I have felt is with one person.
Rubi: There is pressure for people to not be alone at Christmas (or or other holidays) and it really depends on the person- whether they would feel bereft or, like you, enjoy the peace. Hope you are feeling 100% again.
HB: When I meet someone who spends absolutely no time alone, has deliberately programmed every second to be busy, I move a bit away... it is not a judgment but a discomfort with someone who does not stop to reflect.
Susan: I have felt acutely lonely in groups, especially when I am expected to mingle. Sometimes I've even fled!
C.: Solitude is not always voluntary, either, but does not carry a (negative) emotional charge. Few persons say, "I'm taking a few days off; I need some loneliness". That is a beautiful phrase, "becoming one's own best companion". Not easy, and offers much hope.
Anonymous @ 2:20: Thank you for expressing this aspect of loneliness- when there is, in fact, no one there. There are many life circumstances that take a person away from their circle of family, friends or acquaintances, and finding new people to be with can be an effort. I believe it is one worth making, even if it feels awkward.
Jessica D'Amico: Spent a Christmas like yours and will never forget it- veered between reveling in the peace and counting the hours till someone, anyone, showed up. And doesn't your home feel immense and echo-y?
I really appreciate this post -- we have some misconceptions, collectively, about the space between loneliness and solitude -- and also about the most useful ways to address true loneliness. I'll have to read Iyer's essay now . . .
Mardel's comment made me feel sad. I know it's true that we have to face the world ourselves but find it sad that we do.
I'm one of those retired women with a man at home a lot, in fact he's on sabbatical now for the entire semester so these days it's 24/7. It can be difficult sometimes, especially when I am craving solitude, but every time I even think of being annoyed I remember Mardel, remember to be grateful for every moment of presence. It could vanish in a flash.
It does help that Martin tends to like to spend a lot of time outside in the gardens whereas my projects are indoors. A little separation makes a huge difference.
Susan Tiner: As the old joke goes, "For better or worse, but not for lunch."
Interestingly, in today NYT Dominique Browning puts forward her ideas on why men cannot abide being alone and most single women are fine with it.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/08/fashion/why-men-cant-stand-to-be-alone-after-a-breakup-or-a-divorce.html?_r=1&ref=fashion
Something I have noticed as I age is that like me, more and more women are comfortable being alone without feeling lonely. Solitude becomes an absolute gift. But those that still have difficulty with it really struggle and it is sad to witness.
They are treasured friends.