Meta-giving: Gifts as grace
A reader e-mailed to ask about "more about gift giving and how to get it right". Even though many readers already practice these behaviours, here are my thoughts.
Social ritual varies by country or group; my comments pertain to North America, and I'm thinking of tangible objects given to celebrate a personal occasion.
There's the gift itself, and then there's meta-giving, the behaviours and approaches that lift a gift from an object to a celebration.
Social ritual varies by country or group; my comments pertain to North America, and I'm thinking of tangible objects given to celebrate a personal occasion.
There's the gift itself, and then there's meta-giving, the behaviours and approaches that lift a gift from an object to a celebration.
A few ideas on how to heighten joy, beyond what's in the box:
1. Give without apology or obfuscation.
Resist apologizing for the quality or magnitude of the gift: "It's not much, but..." or "I know you only wear 'real' jewelry, but..." or, "I didn't know what to get you...".
If I could alter one gifting behaviour, this would be it. In some countries, such as Japan, an apology accompanies the act; the giver might say, "Oh, it's not a very good one." But in North America, the apology diminishes the gesture.
Resist apologizing for the quality or magnitude of the gift: "It's not much, but..." or "I know you only wear 'real' jewelry, but..." or, "I didn't know what to get you...".
If I could alter one gifting behaviour, this would be it. In some countries, such as Japan, an apology accompanies the act; the giver might say, "Oh, it's not a very good one." But in North America, the apology diminishes the gesture.
If you got a terrific deal on the item, it's tempting to announce it, but resist. And especially, don't swap the item's box for one from a posh store (or brand), or buy a knock-off and put it in that box. Not that you would.
2. Timing...counts!
2. Timing...counts!
You might keep a generic gift, such as a handsome journal, on hand for the rare occasion when a spontaneous celebration happens, but most of us know when our friend's birthday is coming up.
Present the gift on the occasion, not later, when you had time or when sales are on.
3. Give with an open hand.
When the giver puts strings on the gift, e.g., specifies that an artwork must be displayed (one donor even specified the wall), or indicates who might inherit it one day, she diminishes the act. This is a hard one if you are attached to what you give, as I was.
My gift |
I just relearned this lesson during the move, when I gave a vintage set of fine china to a friend's mother. Though I would love her to pass it on to her granddaughter (whom I know) one day, it's hers to do with as she pleases.
4. Pay close attention to the recipient's characteristics.
Enthusiasm is a delightful quality; at the same time, take care when sharing your interests with others. The complete set of Hornblower novels that Edwina covets is not a great gift for her to give sci-fi buff Teddy.
No thank you! |
Don't be too practical. New garbage bins, plumbing fixtures, a dozen pairs of socks: most everyone can use them, but a graceful gift provides a jolt of joy, whether it's a pair of tickets to a play or a custom-crafted dog collar.
6. Get into it.
Some people view gifts–or their recipients–as unwanted obligations. They resent spending time or money, especially if there is little chance of reciprocity. Perhaps they were not part of a gift-giving culture.
If giving evokes aversion, that is a signal to examine your relationship with the recipient, and with yourself. Gifts reveal our attitude to pleasure and are often symbolic of roles, power and history between the parties. Sometimes you are into giving, but she is not into receiving, and nothing you can do is right. That's not about you; accept the perfunctory thanks. You did your best.
Malliol's Three Nymphs |
This circle, explored by Margaret Visser in her intriguing social history, "The Gift of Thanks", is far deeper than a mere material exchange, and forges links of connection and caring. Gifting becomes a spiritual act.
When we let our natural generosity and heart flow into any gift, big or small, giving feels wonderful, every time.
Like other forms of giving– volunteering, just being available, or taking the time to really listen–gifts are way to transmit love, and we often discover we've received more than we gave.
Comments
Thank you for the thoughts!
I like the sentiment about giving without strings attached...
As a young mother I had more time than money and would make jams and bake scones which I would give as hostess gifts in a basket. I often wondered if it was "enough" and when I saw the faces of the recipients my fears were allayed.
It's the thought that counts not how much you spend.
I don't care if you use your stampers to do-up a brown lunch bag and top it with a coordinating ribbon, it's the time you spent doing it that impresses me.
Anonymous: Thank you.
Lorrie: I'm not sure I've exhausted the topic, it is for some reason important to me.
hostess: Homemade jam and scones would be at the tippy-top of my wish list.
RoseAG: I love beautiful packages too, and also novel ones. Sometimes I tear out magazine pages to use as gift wrap- also old photos, fabric, wallpaper, calendars.
materfamilias: Gzowski's show is where I think I first "met" Visser, One of my friends attended a dinner party where she ws
was a guest and said she was just as witty and interesting in person; I was jealous!
Great post and always a good reminder.
Le Duc asked me, "But what if you don;t know the recipient well enough to know what he or she would like?" You could then contact someone who does to ask about preferences.
In the last 10 years or so, I've passed on giving gifts out of obligation and have enjoyed giving gifts out of the pure joy of the giving. It's SO much better.
Please keep posting about gift giving. I've learned things from you.
My husband's parents are not so easy on us. I would rather we not exchange gifts on every possible occasion, but it's not been easy. There has been retaliation.
When my husband's friend gave him a paper towel holder, my husband said, "I already have one." I jabbed him in the side and glared at him. He looked at me. "What? He doesn't care."
And the friend didn't.
Men are different.
As far as your husband and his friend go, that's a realistic scenario but only (IME) among straight men.