Passing on, coming out
A dear friend I'll call "Linda" just lost her mother. Patricia was 98 when she succumbed to a cold that turned to pneumonia. Pat was our circle's idol: she returned to university to earn an MA in her 60s, drove a baby blue MG in her 70s and stern-paddled a canoe at 97.
Though Pat was married for over 60 years, the real love story was between her and her daughter.
Though Pat was married for over 60 years, the real love story was between her and her daughter.
"I wish I could have married you", Pat once told Linda, acknowledging the accord they felt. When Pat turned 93, Linda moved back from Italy, where she has a small house, to care for her at home. She gave five years of unwavering, devoted attention; the last two were hard. Pat slipped into dementia; the wit and spirit Linda had cherished vanished.
I called Linda last weekend to express sorrow for her loss.
I asked if she'd be returning to Italy once Pat's' affairs are settled. "No, she said,"I met someone! Jill was an attendant during my mother's recovery from a broken hip, and now we're together. I'll sell this house and we're getting a place!"
Well, surprise! I knew she'd suffered a devastating affair in her 30s, with a man ultimately unavailable. Since then, I had not asked, she had not told.
And now, here it is: "I thought everything in my life would be over, but I have this", she said, speaking the wonder and gratitude of one who finds love in her sixth decade.
There are a few bumps on the road: her brother "Mike" and his spouse have stopped speaking to her.
Le Duc had some questions: "Recent change or lifelong orientation?" and so on. "None of my business unless she wants to tell me", I said. "What matters is that she's happy."
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| Christopher Plummer |
As a contribution to Dan Savage's "It Gets Better", project, someone should make a video about late-life authenticity; I would encourage Mike to watch it, as well as the collection of protest signs here.
Linda and I stayed on the phone a long time, reminiscing about Pat, planning a visit and agreeing that life holds adventures (regardless of age) more profound than we can ever guess.
Comments
Good for her that she has discovered love and joy with someone new.
I do not feel that we are in a position to judge or choose partners for our friends or family. Hopefully your friend has made a wise choice and she will be happy.
Back in the eighties, an old school friend of my mother married, raised a daughter, got divorced, and then came out when she was forty-eight and has had a female partner ever since. After the initial shock, my mother adapted readily and they still attend reunions together and exchange Christmas letters. That entire generations should have had to suppress who they really were--from the world and even from themselves--saddens and angers me. But it is getting better, thanks in no small part to their courage.
The Christopher Plummer film sounds really good.
Tash: Thank you; Linda is a wonderful woman and I am eager to meet er new partner.