Meta-giving: Gifts as grace

A reader e-mailed to ask about "more about gift giving and how to get it right". Even though many readers already practice these behaviours, here are my thoughts.

Social ritual varies by country or group; my comments pertain to North America, and I'm thinking of tangible objects given to celebrate a personal occasion.

There's the gift itself, and then there's meta-giving, the behaviours and approaches that lift a gift from an object to a celebration.

A few ideas on how to heighten joy, beyond what's in the box:

1. Give without apology or obfuscation.

Resist apologizing for the quality or magnitude of the gift: "It's not much, but..." or "I know you only wear 'real' jewelry, but..." or, "I didn't know what to get you...".

If I could alter one gifting behaviour, this would be it. In some countries, such as Japan, an apology accompanies the act; the giver might say, "Oh, it's not a very good one." But in North America, the apology diminishes the gesture.

If you got a terrific deal on the item, it's tempting to announce it, but resist. And especially, don't swap the item's box for one from a posh store (or brand), or buy a knock-off and put it in that box. Not that you would.



2. Timing...counts!

You might keep a generic gift, such as a handsome journal, on hand for the rare occasion when a spontaneous celebration happens, but most of us know when our friend's birthday is coming up.

Present the gift on the occasion, not later, when you had time or when sales are on.

3. Give with an open hand.

My gift

I just relearned this lesson during the move, when I gave a vintage set of fine china to a friend's mother. Though I would love her to pass it on to her granddaughter (whom I know) one day, it's hers to do with as she pleases.

When the giver puts strings on the gift, e.g., specifies that an artwork must be displayed (one donor even specified the wall), or indicates who might inherit it one day, she diminishes the act. This is a hard one if you are attached to what you give, as I was.

4. Pay close attention to the recipient's characteristics.

No thank you!

Enthusiasm is a delightful quality; at the same time, take care when sharing your interests with others. The complete set of Hornblower novels that Edwina covets is not a great gift for her to give sci-fi buff Teddy. 

Introducing someone to a new experience is a possibility, but the aware giver gauges how much the recipient can tolerate. Do not even think about giving me a skydiving adventure.

5. Give treats.

Don't be too practical. New garbage bins, plumbing fixtures, a dozen pairs of socks: most everyone can use them, but a graceful gift provides a jolt of joy, whether it's a pair of tickets to a play or a custom-crafted dog collar.

Poochie pleasure

If the recipient needs an everyday item, buy it for what it is: assistance. 

 
6. Get into it.

Some people view gifts–or their recipients–as unwanted  obligations. They resent spending time or money, especially if there is little chance of reciprocity. Perhaps they were not part of a gift-giving culture.

If giving evokes aversion, that is a signal to examine your relationship with the recipient, and with yourself. Gifts reveal our attitude to pleasure and are often symbolic of roles, power and history between the parties. Sometimes you are into giving, but she is not into receiving, and nothing you can do is right. That's not about you; accept the perfunctory thanks. You did your best.

Malliol's Three Nymphs

When both parties participate willingly, they form, along with the gift, a circle of mutuality, where giver, gift and receiver commune like The Three Graces.

This circle, explored by Margaret Visser in her intriguing social history, "The Gift of Thanks", is far deeper than a mere material exchange, and forges links of connection and caring. Gifting becomes a spiritual act.

When we let our natural generosity and heart flow into any gift, big or small, giving feels wonderful, every time.

Like other forms of giving– volunteering, just being available, or taking the time to really listen–gifts are way to transmit love, and we often discover we've received more than we gave.