The end of Fat Talk
Next week, October 18-22, 2010 is Fat Talk Free Week, sponsored by Delta Delta Delta, the American women's fraternity, and its partners.
"I can't stand my hips", "I'm so freaking fat", "She should never wear a two-piece swimsuit" and the insidious "You look great! Have you lost weight?" are examples of talk the Tri-Delts would trounce. Fat Talk can be negative or positive, but each statement reinforces the need to be thin.The week is part of the Reflections Body Image program, aimed at university-age women– the age when body-size distress is reinforced, if not begun. As the web site notes, ten million women in the US are dealing with eating disorders.
Alison (a Tri-Delt alum and former Miss Florida who successfully overcame her eating disorder) says:
"...If you make a conscious effort to eliminate certain statements from your daily dialog, I guarantee you will feel better about yourself and set a positive example for your family and friends. Remember, your own self doubt can cause others to become self conscious of their own body image. Instead of tearing yourself down, put your efforts in more meaningful pastimes that will not only enrich your life, but the lives of those around you."
If it's not body, it's age
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| "Fight ageism; you are not getting any younger." |
First we beat up on our bodies, then we live in terror of age, a double whammy of anxiety and despair.
Among women past 50, I hear plenty of negative body talk, and, equally distressing, unconscious ageism in phrases like, "I asked my hairdresser to give me a style that doesn't make me look old", or "That colour is aging."
This poster, retrieved from salamantha.de, echoes my comment on someone's blog: you will get older if you are lucky; you will look older when you get there. I'm fed up with being told, "Oh, you don't look it", when I state my age, as if looking 62 is repellant, like physical evidence of tertiary syphilis.
I know many of you reject Fat Talk, especially those who have raised daughters while making a conscious effort to model healthy body-image and eating.
All of us, whether we have daughters or not, can serve as an example.
I realized, reading their post, how I'd absorbed Fat Talk into my language, beginning in my teens. Next week–and from now on– I will not compliment my friend by telling her a dress takes off ten pounds, I'll just tell her how wonderful she looks.
I realized, reading their post, how I'd absorbed Fat Talk into my language, beginning in my teens. Next week–and from now on– I will not compliment my friend by telling her a dress takes off ten pounds, I'll just tell her how wonderful she looks.
Comments
As someone who was raised under a deluge of fat (and now, age) talk, it's such an eye opener to look at how pervasive it is, and to try to become more aware of and avoid it. Or to quote Sally Kempton, "It's hard to fight an enemy with outposts in your head."
I was pleased that people had noticed that I'd lost weight, but I had to lose weight - the menopause had sent my weight up to potentially dangerous levels and it had to be exercised off. (While I love food and wine, I'm not a big eater in daily life, and I'm scrupulous about healthful foods). But one of my best friends, who is turning 65, is one of those who remains always about a size 5. She is always imagining mythical "fat". It gets very annoying. I know she isn't doing it to make any of her chubbier friends feel like @%&+...
Ageing talk is a wee bit different. Of course we will age if we are lucky not to die an early death, but I do think that sometimes when we talk about a hairstyle or garment being "ageing", we mean it is mumsy and sad, or conversely cougarish, not because we have any illusion that a more attractive cut or garment will make anyone 50-something look 22.
That woman who makes a fortune with her stupid "How Not to Look Old" books cracks me up because I find the type of clothing, overstyled and overdyed hair and presentation of self is very "ageing" in the sense I am using it; it is somewhat pathetic.
Toby, most of my family has been long-lived, except for my father who was a very heavy smoker and died of lung cancer in his early 60s, after two heart attacks, phlebitis and other serious smoking-related ills. No, I've never smoked. But one never knows...
Meg
when are we going to embrace our bodies as they are and accept ourselves with grace?
Now I find that it's more or less the norm for me not to do it, even with a mother, a sister, and a grandmother who "fat talk" fairly often -- and they're all healthy and in good shape. (My gran, as I've mentioned, is 97!) What's hardest for me, is the moral judgments: "I'm going to be bad and have a cookie," etc. To which I quietly reply, "It's only food, you know."
I'm hoping that I'll be able to deal with "age" talk in the same way -- since I view myself as a perpetual 17 year-old, there's not the temptation!
Ageist talk has many trojan horses. One can look frumpy or sad at any age, but what I am talking about about is the pervasive terror women have of looking a nanosecond older than they are. There are entire blogs devoted to it, and the authors seem oblivious.
Marguerite: Welcome. Rehab is such hard work; wishing you steady progress.
Rebecca: I'm with you, for life!
Meg: Yes, first with ourselves but then, speaking up with the voice and wallet.
hostess: Women my age were deeply loaded with this stuff, and some have not had the opportunity to cast it off. I was taught to accept compliments by a group of 30-something co-workers!
Rubi:
When someone says, "This isn't a topic I want to discuss because..." I always want to know why- to understand the need behind the "no".
When a bunch of women get into Fat Talk, humour can help; I sometimes say something like, "I'm not enjoying hearing the complaints, because it just might take all this fabulousness we possess down a notch."
I'm going to guess you were a more self-aware 17 than I was; at 17 I was dating Iggy Pop, among other boys- and captive of my illogical and quite unformed thinking.
However, oddball I am, I've grown into a (pudgy, graying) professional office dweller obsessed about 99% of the time with work and my discontent with work and almost never think about fat, age or appearance at all.
That does NOT mean I'm a happier person - just utterly tormented in another part of life.
If it isn't one thing, it's another, right?
Aging, I keep trying to own it, and people keep trying to say no. If I say I am 54 and I feel age creeping up, I don't want people to deny me. I don't want to be told, oh you are not told. I want to hear, you are aging, and that is OK. It's not the same as youth.
LPC: You might like this post, which I wrote in 2007:
http://passagedesperles.blogspot.com/2008/07/allowed-to-be-older.html to express my annoyance with just what you've described.
"You're looking well/healthy!"
"You look happy!"
I agree with Rebecca--let's keep that ball rolling! 3 weeks is what it takes for something to become a habit...
I'm all for ending fat talk and age talk. I honestly think people look better as they age most of the time, and certainly the most beautiful and impassioned faces seem to have their fair share of wrinkles.
I had already vowed to stop this on my blog, and I have to thank you for calling me out on this, but I think many of need to be more aware of the hidden meaning in compliments and statements that we take for granted.
Mardel: I have a post on beautiful wrinkled faces all ready to go! As I said to hostess, this programming got deeply embedded in us boomers, and it comes back into my head very often.
How about "The end of You Look..." - after all they are only looking at you through their eyes.
I'd like to keep the sincere compliment in the world; my friend Barbara wore mysterious, beautiful 1930s art deco bracelet when we met yesterday, and I admired it, and intend to keep doing so in those situations.
Frugal: Are you saying it's always b/c of surgery or treatments? I'm surprised. How any women I know? Not many having surgery, maybe 3-4? They like their injections and facials. (I haven't anything.)
I have a close friend who is probably a size 2 at 5'8". She is so critical of herself. She doesn't like her knees (which are lovely), her arms (which are slim), etc. I finally told her that if I felt like she did, I wouldn't be able to leave the house. There is a lot to be said for confidence.
You comment about your friend is largely why I started this blog: to say, enjoy life, you are lovely as you are, don't worry about your knees (perfect or not).
Also, becoming a grandmother has been a real milestone. I am now part of the older generation---and no one refers to me as "one of the kids" anymore.
In most gatherings of lawyers and spouses in my husband's law firm, I am the oldest wife. That has been a sobering realization.
Teaching young adults, I find that they really have no idea of who might be what age over 30 -- it all seems like distant and foreign terrain to them, whether 40 or 70.
I'm conscious of my own Age Talk, but I'd defend it, to a point, by saying that I draw attention to it rather than ignore an elephant in the room. But mindful of your post, I'm going to be careful that I'm not apologetic about it, or self-deprecating. Around 50, I began pointing it out when I could, rather as a point of pride. I really feel as if I've been lucky to have so far lived a rich life, to be at a point where I know and have done a few things, and I'm glad you've reminded me not to be self-deprecating about my age.
As you see, it's very true what I tell my students about editing. It takes time to be brief. Sorry this has sprawled out of control, and thank you for a great post!
materfamilias: I'm going to do a post on Age Talk, thanks to your inspiration. For now, will just say one of the things that I dislike most is people's rapid assurance that I don't look (or dress, think etc.) my age.
I would much rather be told I look fresh or rested than young.
Whenever someone tells me that I've lost weight (which I haven't) all I think in my head is "so your mental picture of me is much bigger than the reality" which is not particularly complitmentary!