Sponging and sharing: Life lessons from young adults
My son Etienne vented his frustration about a mate who mooches. A group of friends go to a bar, where everyone orders a beer and food except Alex, who only drinks, then asks for bites of everyone's food. They comply, but resentment builds.I was immediately reminded of a order of monks who have a practice: if one needs more food, he must circulate among the order, requesting one spoonful from each of the others.
Alex is out of work, living on unemployment. He's been a friend since public school, and because of strained family relationships, has lived on his own since barely 16. Sometimes he's working in a skilled trade, sometimes not. As we talked, Etienne veered between compassion and irritation.
The root of his issue was that when Alex has, he does not contribute. "We take care of one another", he said, "but he doesn't." I told my son, who is sensible and kind, that I well remembered the freeloaders of my 20s.
At the same time, I found Alex's sponging heartbreaking, and can guess that he knows how he's perceived. I pointed out to Etienne that Alex does not have someone to take care of his dental bills, cheer on his achievements, provide dinner or a pair of shoes, let alone a laptop. Harrowing economic conditions and family dysfunction change how people operate.
I was asleep when Alex turned up with the other kids at the house last night; Le Duc was happy to see him. I wish I had been up to offer him a meal. Perhaps one day he will have the ease from which to abandon his anxiety and desperation, and reciprocate.
When I read that many of the boomers have not saved enough for retirement, I wonder if Alex's cadging will show up amid those a generation or two older. Will the senior grasshoppers ask the ants for their food? According to the American Association of Retired Persons,
the economy has made saving anything difficult: 35% of those ages 45 to 54 have stopped putting money into their 401(k), IRA or other retirement accounts, and 25% said they have prematurely withdrawn funds from their retirement accounts.
On the 'ant' side, here in Canada a survey conducted by The Royal Bank, retrieved from The World of Work, says that only about half of Canadian Boomers (47%) expect to be fully retired by 65.
Will we care for those friends who had years to save, but did not?
Comments
It used to be that retirees could count on a pension if they'd worked for an employer for a number of years, but most employers in the US have done away with them. 401K's and other savings instruments were intended as a supplement to pensions, not a replacement for them. It's going to be an interesting few decades, and I mean that in the Chinese proverb way.
However, between health problems and stocks plummeting, there is little left. I would never expect others to help, but will continue working as long as I can.
It'll be the children of the boomers who didn't save who are left to look after their parents when the governments won't.
I'm reminded, for some reason, about a job I had many years ago with the March of Dimes. Do you have that group in Canada? The people in the most economically depressed towns gave by far the most to this organization, and donated the most volunteer hours. I'm not sure why.
A good friend of mine says, "Generosity breeds generosity." I like that. Thank you for this post.
I also have friends like Alex; what I find most troubling is that they seem to feel as though friends -- and life in general -- somehow "owe them". When others help them, they rarely express genuine thanks because it's their "right" to enjoy whatever they imagine that the rest of us have but when they have money, they never reciprocate because they "deserve" to spend it all on themselves.
With a few decades on Etienne, I now know what I'd do in his position, but we all have different thresholds and so I send no words of wisdom but just a big hug in his general direction.
All: Whether people had savings which eroded, or never had them at all (and derided those who saved) might make a difference in the ants' being willing to share. I predict the most common request will be re housing: "Can we move in with you?"
Whether the grasshopper's children will help out again depends on whether they have means. I predict a lot of older people living at or below the poverty level.
About Alex something very telling, when you mentioned how at times when he had, he still did not contribute.
On the other hand penurity is in some people's DNA. I have seen generous parent's with stingy children.Generous parents with one generous child and one stingy child.Is it in the genes? Are freeloaders in their 20s the freeloaders in their 70s?
Alex may well have had to scrimp when he was on his own since he was 16- that would be very frightening for anyone- He would not have had the same carefree mentality that others in his group perhaps may have had- Paying for food in a restaurant or cafe may well have taeken all of his money for other necessary items of survival.
But when the day comes that he has more than enough and is older to know better (?) Maybe the kindness and compassion shown to him by lovely humans like your family will sink in and he will be able to give back- one of life's great gifts- generousity.
This fellow was a serial mooch but somehow most of us understood. Eventually he got himself together somewhat. He's not a bad sort, unlike some other people who are maniupulative and users without really having to be.
Anjela, as to what you say, a relative of mine was wrongfully accused and convicted of a serious but non-violent crime. He was eventually released and cleared his name (it was a matter of someone framing him) but this permanently damaged his finances and health, and this was a real go-getter of a guy who worked very hard and enjoyed the benefits.
Hope Étienne and pals are able to help Alex get his act together. I hope he can go back to school - not necessarily university; there are a lot of good and worthy jobs in the technical trades as well, but nowadays those also require postsecondary education.