The slow-mo civility of (certain) seniors
Harvard psychiatrist Dr. E. M. Hallowell was asked why people are so rude. He replied "We're too busy, too goal-directed". And why in turn are we so goal-directed?Johns Hopkins professor Dr. P. M. Forni says that while we need to make ends meet, there is a deeper reason for our busyness: "In an anonymous and egalitarian society, we struggle every day to establish our identity and make our mark."
Freed of the imperative to strive, many become more civil.
My in-laws traveled across North America for fifteen years, gypsies in an RV. "People are so much nicer when they're retired," FIL observed. "They're willing to help you, they're cooperative." What Forni calls "pride in being, rather than pride in doing", has worth to these elders.
I thought that the gracious manners and genuine interest my mother's friends showed when I visited was a product of their times. Reared to be welcoming and attentive, they would receive me warmly and invite me to have a cup of tea that usually stretched to nearly an hour's chat. A fifteen minute 'drop in' was not considered polite. They did not necessarily have 'all the time in the world', just because the world of work no longer consumed them; they gave their time as a way of caring.
The cliché of the cranky old man or mean little biddy is well-established for a reason: a type like the man who glared poison darts when I eased my car into the (legal!) spot near (but hardly dangerously!) where he was strolling is out there.
But more often, I find those some years ahead of me, given that they enjoy decent health, are better listeners, more present and connected than their 50ish children. They don't finish your sentences, glance continually at their BlackBerry during a conversation they requested, or say they will "try" to return your call.
I smile to think of the bird-flippers, streetcar-litterers, line-cutters and sidewalk-bike riders suddenly transformed when they open their first pension cheque. Not likely. But I am looking forward to the rise in communal service and caring that my FIL observed. We need it, and not a moment too soon.
Comments
Also, the friendliest and most helpful people are the busiest: New Yorkers, who will walk you to the subway station or take the time to help you find what you need.
spacegeek: It does begin at an early age- and that comment you got comes from the heart, not from "What do you say?"
It should be interesting to see how things evolve.
An ex Broadway singer(80) who still drives her car and still dates. A 92 year old divinity student who just graduated from Yale and met a 80 something year old man in my store.He is an author and called me to ask if I wouldn't mind giving her his number.I did.They are seeing each other. 92 sounds ancient but it isn't and they are both such aggreable people- not in a hurry at all.
People usually don't have five minutes.I think it is just rudeness.
I was totally confused the other day when a man came in and he wasn't in a hurry.He said he had all the time in the world.He wore a hat and as he left the store he raised his hat to me.I thought about him all day and into the evening.I thought about his smile and his gesture that made my day like a smiley face. It sent out ripples.I saw him as a template and actually it made all the other customers bearable. He had a life. He seemd happy. What a joy. And he was in his 80s! I think some older people are afraid to slow down in case they stop.