Confidence game

I had lunch yesterday with a distressed friend, M.. A high-profile two-day meeting she chaired recently had not gone well. During the event, she was criticized by her manager. She said, “I lost my confidence, then I made even more mistakes.”

Though she believed the criticism resulted from her manager’s stress about the politics of the event, M. admitted there were segments she wished she'd handled more skillfully. After a few days' cooling-off, she had a productive conversation with her manager, who apologized for undermining her. But she is left with her confidence shaken.

Built in increments, confidence can be eroded by a single bad day, when we undermine ourselves or absorb others' remarks as absolute reality, rather than their perception. If our confidence is dependent on others' judgments (whether proffered as praise or criticism) we put, as my friend Diane says, our keys in somebody else's pocket.

Do you use style as a confidence-booster?

For a job interview, we buy an outfit; for a party, striking earrings; for a visit home, a great hair style or fresh colour. We choose a talisman to remind us, baby, it's you. But you can't buy confidence, only its proxies.

When my boys were toddlers, we'd sometimes dress them with a little extra polish. Le Duc would kiss each one and say, "Tu es beau comme un coeur." I imagined their tiny hearts would lift a touch. Confidence flourishes with love.

Real confidence, like beauty, emanates from within, deepening with time. It's neither inflated to the point of arrogance, nor vulnerable to a harsh remark. To find confidence, dip into your well of contribution, achievement and celebration.

(That's why counselors in the outplacement firms ask the newly-terminated to make a list of their accomplishments; the well is pretty dried up by a pink slip.)

M. is still raw; her crisis of confidence causes her to question her job security, her skills, her self. A woman of heart and strength, she has overcome much worse, and will rise. She asked me "Has this ever happened to you?" and I had the pain and pleasure of recounting some major gaffes. Humility is the other side of the hard earned gold coin of confidence.