When friends suffer
I've lost several friends over the past two years, to fatal illnesses, and several more have recovered after harrowing treatment.
I've just read an essential article in The New York Times (Sunday, June 12) that I wish I'd had then; I hope it will be useful to you, too.
Bruce Feiler's "You Look Great and Other Lies" tells us Six Things You Should Never Say to a Friend or Colleague Who's Sick and Four Things You Can Always Say.
Brilliant, a must. (I've said at least four of the Never Says.) We say them with good intentions (plus fear, anger, embarrassment and a swirl of other emotions) even as we know there must be a better way to express our love, caring and hope.
More comments about the role friends can play is in this short clip of the Canadian journalist June Callwood, (about 8 min.) in an interview with George Stromboulopoulos a short time before she died in 2007. These few minutes illuminate her wisdom, humour and strength even as she faced the end. Her remark about squash soup is etched in my mind, among more profound comments about marriage, the hereafter and the gift of life.
In 1987, Callwood wrote "Twelve Weeks in Spring" a clear-eyed account of how a group of friends about cared for their ill friend; it too offers much about how to be present. Nearly 25 years years after being written, Twelve Weeks remains an illuminating description of how friends, and even those unknown to the ill person, can support her.
We still have a ways to go with home hospice care, but with more of us aging, it's on my mind and on my 'activist list'.
"In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love."
- Mother Teresa
Comments
Susan and une femme: We will increasingly need this advice, glad it's useful.
Jane M.: I admire how he packed so much wisdom into one short piece.
emma: Have not read Suddenly and at your suggestion will download it on my reader. You are going to be moved by that Callwood clip, I am sure.
I'm looking forward to the video, I have it saved to watch later.
I have struggled with what to say too.
I find doing is the easy route for me.
I always cook and deliver the food with flowers and
maybe a stack of magazines or some funny DVD's
I listen more than talk...it's a very difficult situation for all involved.
Thank you for linking the article.
The video is really sweet. I especially enjoyed what she had to say about her marriage and their experience living with her terminal illness.
mardel: I have been using "Want to hear some good gossip?" even with the elders I visit who are not ill, just semi-reclusive. Works wonders!
hostess: Listen more than talk is a wonderful addition, thanks.
Susan: She was an incredible woman and if not familiar to you before now, happy you met her.
Alieen: Yes, it applies to any situation where a friend suffers.
Terri: Glad he is getting the coverage.
LPC: It is worth the 5 min. it takes, times over.
Anonymous: Some deaths are traumatic no matter where the person is cared for. I infer that you have the plan for yourself.
I don't agree that "People have no clue what dying with dignity really
is, it is not dying in pain or fear or starving to death...". My observation is that most people do have a clue.
Have you seen the doc "Dying at Grace", about the hospice floor at Grace Hospital, Toronto where June Callwood died?
As for the Dos and Don'ts, I am on the fence. Different things may work for different people and I find that it is better to try and be honest, even if a bit clumsy at expressing oneself than fall into the safe zone of preformatted behaviour.