Face It: Beauty, aging, identity, peace
I've just fnished "Face It: What Women Really Feel As Their Looks Change" by Vivian Diller, Ph.D. and Jill Muir-Skukenick, Ph.D.
The authors, both former models and psychotherpists, promise to lead women distressed about changing physical attributes out of their funk. They are not against surgical and non-surgical treatments, but prefer us to know what we're doing should we erase life's experience from our faces.
A picture is worth a thousand words: Helen Mirren, 66 next month:
Nicole Kidman, 44 next week and admittedly an easy target:
A few quotes from the book:
"We are buying–and buying into– an anxiety-producing cultural imperative to look younger than we truly are. And we are terribly uncomfortable as we succumb to the siege of internal and external pressures tugging at us from so many places."
"In adolescence, we are letting go of our youth and fearful of growing up. In midlife, we are letting go of the last vestiges of youth and fearful of growing old.
In both, we sometimes find ourselves holding on too long, for fear of moving on. Yet the more we hold on, the less comfortable we feel in our own skins."
The authors explore the two main strategies the culture hands us:
1. Deny:
"Your looks shouldn't matter. If they do, don't let anyone know. Stay true to your real self; let your looks take their natural course as you age".
2. Defy:
"Your looks should matter, and don't you ever forget that. Buy products, work out at the gym, and defy aging whatever the cost, any way you can. And be sure to make it look natural."
Their six-step process, which includes examination of our relationship to Mother, earliest experiences of beauty-tending, and the masks we adopt, take the reader beyond the realm of appearance, into deeper psychic territory of self-concept and identity.
The last chapter, "Say Goodbye to Say Hello" explores the attitude shift the previous sections work toward: mourning what's lost, and then "allowing a new definition of beauty".
Finally, the outer and inner signs of aging are honoured rather than despised, and the body and face therefore receive as much care as we choose, once we realize that the interventions won't bring back 20 or 30 again. (Diller and Muir-Skukenick do not condemn surgery or injections, but lead you to your own conclusions.)
"Face It" goes wider and deeper than physical appearance, addressing self-empathy and compassion not just for body issues, but for one's entire being and that of all females, regardless of age or appearance. The authors aim somewhat higher than self-help clichés and indict the culture of youth worship.
The book would be stronger without examples of actors and media personalities, who face very different demands concerning appearance than most readers. You can skip through the long case studies at the end for a free anecdotectomy.
If the authors can deliver wholly on their stated objective, "Finding balance, satisfaction and pleasure as your appearance changes with age", the book will outsell "Gone With the Wind".
As for me, I'm using Mirren's tactic: disciplined maintenance while letting the lines come– and wearing a pair of stunning earrings!
Comments
I'm somewhere in the middle. At this stage of the game, I've ruled out injectables and surgery, but am focusing more on good nutrition, skincare, sleep, and keeping myself active both mentally and physically. Oh, and a good colorist. (Had I Mirren's grey, I'd go for it. Mine is more the dingy, cardboard colored variety.)
Interestingly in my 40's I put on the inevitable 20 lbs but now ended up with an almost perfect figure. Because I had always dressed in many layers of clothing and never went out in the sun I had zero sun damange similar I guess to a Victorian age woman. All of a sudden I was "worthy" enough to be noticed.
That being said the most interesting thing is that once you are 45+ you are lumped in with the 90 year olds in this huge "elderly" demographic. When people find I am not 10 years younger based on my outward appearance I am discounted again. Only men 20+ years older would consider me acceptable.
This is not France, we are a youth oriented culture and there is nothing you can do about it. Even the most beautiful actress will not be cast in a romantic role because its just "icky" to think of old people that way. No amount of botox, facelifts, fillers will change that.
I find the whole process more interesting than anything else but I really find most women my age very depressed and negative because of it.
The older women I find attractive, even compelling, are so not because they look young but because they are vibrantly invested in life -- their engagement is always evident. And these women are NOT invisible; they are NOT ignored. Try to book tea or lunch with them and you'll see what I mean -- their dayplanners are full. . .
I'll be checking back to follow this conversation; it's sure to be another lively one.
Anonymous: 45+ lumped with 90, where? If a woman chooses to "dress in many layers", she would not attract the kind of attention someone showing more would. In cultures that allow choice, women go through continual assessment based on many factors, about how much of their body they wish to reveal.
It is harder for women who possess notable beauty to see it change. One of my goddess friends says it's a relief to no longer have her beauty be the first thing people meet.
Yes, mainstream film skews toward youthful beauty. You might enjoy the German film "Cloud 9" which presents a very different view.
Review here:
http://www.moviewithme.com/blog/archives/category/indie-foreign-movie-reviews/new-german-films
I've been following your posts since your move to the new city and enjoying each and ever yone; just haven't been in a writing mood myself. I want to congratulate you on taking such a big step with your move.
So far I've been following the Helen Mirren approach with an emphasis on good health, good habits and deploying a lovely smile more often than not.
Something which has really helped me recently is having my colors done by someone trained in the somewhat newer 12-season color approach. It was a complete revelation to me as I had wrongly assumed I was opposite on the color spectrum of what I actually am.
The color analyst suggested I return to my natural hair color to complement my skin tone and new wardrobe color focus. I have and it has made a huge difference. I had much of my crowning glory chopped off and now have a new do ala Jamie Lee Curtis. My eyes and my smile now take center focus, I feel more playful and think I look younger and just more like myself!
That said. I can also relate to what LPC has to say about some skin imperfections standing out more than others. I too have old sun spots and acne scars that are far more distracting than any wrinkles at this point.
At my age, 50, being as some have said "the youth of old age,' I am sure I'll have different thoughts and feelings on aging as the years go by.
I've decided to focus more on fitness. I know I'll appreciate the health benefits, but I don't appreciate the pressure to look youthful and lean.
But the biggest problem I am having now is that in years past I spent much time in the sun without sun screen. So in the past year I have had to have MOHs surgery on the top of my nose. Even with make-up the scar (size of a quarter) is noticable. So after being a little down about it - I have taken the approach that others have stated and just smile a lot.
And I act as an example. Let me tell you - my grandchildren don't go out of the house - here in Southern CA - without suncreen (nor do I).
MJ: Mirren seems to alternate between white-blonde and grey, wonder if that's to rest it from the aggressive things done to her fine hair for film roles? Male actors look even worse than women with a pulled face.
LPC: Face It contains a distressing list of all the things that cause the first "aha moment" when you realize you are no longer in a relatively changeless period (spots, varicose veins tc.) But what was laudable is their willingness to address the erosion of one identity and the forging of a new, positive one.
laurieann: Good to hear from you! IS there a name or brand for that colour system? Did you change your clothes?
Love your wide smile and playful eyes approach! Many women feel long hair makes them look younger but with so many women, shorter emphasizes those eyes. (No 'answer' of course, it's just what suits each of us.)
Susan Tiner: This is the first book that I have read that not only invites mourning for losses, but asserts that this is essential.
I read recently that Goldie Hawn said she did not want to be called "grandma" or any of its variants and refused to let her grandchildren do it. Now, that's denial.
Nicks and scars and spots, part of the evidence of living a body accumulates, and it is wise to protect children against damage.
I've made the decision to let my hair go white (and I"m fortunate that it is white, not gray). BUT, I'm highlighting the non white hair to keep from having the Cruella DeVille look.
I'm a firm believer in exercise for health reasons and plan to join Weight Watchers for vanity reasons.
I can't see myself having injections or surgery. It's just not me. I haven't mourned a loss of beauty/youth yet, but maybe that is in my future.
But going forward, the only intervention I've promised myself is to zap the spider veins on my thighs IF I lose enough weight to flaunt them in shorts...(probably never). Praying to be a silver fox in old age like Ms Mirren.
"Young = younger than I am, Old = older than I am" is my mantra. Keeps it all in perspective!
I think it's just my attitude. I'm not growing old gracefully. Right now - I'm not growing old!
I've had people ask me how I stay young-looking (I can easily pass for 10-15 years younger). I tell them it's all the sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll!
Some women of my acquaintance lament the loss of attention. I am lucky to be in a profession where people have to pay attention to me.
All best wishes,
Francie
Francie@william: You sound so causally, naturally "bien dans sa peau". I admire the subtlety... and envy your boon from your mother and her ancestors.
Chicatanyage: What a delightful piece of advice! And what would we do without Dame Helen Mirren to fly the flag?
As for Mr. FS's idea, while there is certainly some truth to it, I'm with you in having enough friends who are still far above any mean, even in their 50s and 60s. There's a certain beauty that is even more luminous in late middle age well into the 70s. I try simply to marvel rather than envy -- as I try to do with beautiful young women as well. Modest success, but I try . . .
I don't think I'll go down the surgery route and think that all those fillers look terrible on everyone I've seen with them.
I will continue to dye my hair (I'm 80% grey) as my kids insist on it (grey is for grandmas they tell me).
Interestingly, passing through LAX last month when having my passport perused by a immigration official (the photo is almost 10 years old) he said "the photo doesn't do you justice". Very flattering. I think that many people become more attractive as they age in many ways. Some people peak early, but many grow in confidence and this improves appearance in my book.
When I was in my 20's a photo was taken of me visiting my great-uncle, then in his 90s. Looking at the two of us, I still see that we have the same face. Had you taken away the external clues and averaged the faces, we would have been identical. At 27 I was appalled; now not so much, I know where I am going.
if my chin slides into my neck so that the two are truly indistinguishable, I'm getting a necklift! But I don't want that blank Kidman face and taut eyes.
See my post today (July 27 2011); none of these women have had any surgery.