When the spark sputters
Sexless marriage: sounds like an oymoron, isn't. The estimate: 15-20% of couples. Highest in the 45-50 crowd. Defined as sex ten times per year or less.I met Dee, whose husband lost interest six years ago, when a group of women gathered for drinks after a day of business process improvement (BPI) presentations. The subject came up when someone joked, "I would rather go without sex for the rest of my life than sit through another day like this."
Dee said, "No, you wouldn't."
She deeply missed intimacy with her husband, and was considering various options. She thought it unlikely that he'd recover his mojo. She said he was healthy, but sex was "like a job he'd quit and never looked back at."
One of us asked if there was any affection; Dee said, "I can get a quick kiss sometimes" and admitted she no longer touched him, to avoid the inevitable sense of rejection.
I wondered about the root cause. (Eight hours of BPI does that.) Maybe he's depressed; maybe they both are. Perhaps there are issues that Dee did not discuss. I looked at her baggy shirt, baggier khakis, clogs and no-style hair, and wondered, Chicken or egg?
Dee said, "No, you wouldn't."
She deeply missed intimacy with her husband, and was considering various options. She thought it unlikely that he'd recover his mojo. She said he was healthy, but sex was "like a job he'd quit and never looked back at."
One of us asked if there was any affection; Dee said, "I can get a quick kiss sometimes" and admitted she no longer touched him, to avoid the inevitable sense of rejection.
I wondered about the root cause. (Eight hours of BPI does that.) Maybe he's depressed; maybe they both are. Perhaps there are issues that Dee did not discuss. I looked at her baggy shirt, baggier khakis, clogs and no-style hair, and wondered, Chicken or egg?
Dee's current strategy was distraction: she taught computer skills to elders, rowed with a club and was writing a mystery novel. She asked if anyone had other ideas.
She received the suggestion that she take a lover (substitution) with an I've-thought-of-that sigh. Anyone else must be a secret from her husband, difficult in her small town. Someone mentioned the 'open marriage' route, but Dee was certain that he would not tolerate it.
She received the suggestion that she take a lover (substitution) with an I've-thought-of-that sigh. Anyone else must be a secret from her husband, difficult in her small town. Someone mentioned the 'open marriage' route, but Dee was certain that he would not tolerate it.
She could try sublimation, diverting her sensuality to other activities: tango dancing (pretty much the same thing if you ask me) chocolate-tasting parties or massages. (A friend who is a registered massage therapist told me, "I can tell within one minute whether a person is here for treatment or just needs to be touched.")
She could forget about sex–rather like I've forgotten about distance running–by invoking a similar mantra: I did it, it was great, it's over.
For some couples, acceptance is the chosen road, one that gets far less respect than it deserves. Due to health issues or aging, many of us will eventually deal with unequal desire between partners.Acceptance frees couples to tend and treasure the elements that remain: companionship, shared purpose and mutual support.
But given her longing (and their apparent good health), I hope they search for a more mutually satisfying modus vivendi. As we parted, we hugged; her loneliness flowed over me.
I don't know what happened to Dee, but I often think of the last thing she said: "I miss touch, but even more, I miss the connection. It's called 'making love' for a reason."
Comments
Of course, I'm blathering away at 6:45 in the a.m., and might be caught up by one of your other commenters later. And I want to be clear that there can obviously be "different strokes for different folks" -- seniors who find a sex-free marriage mutually agreeable. But dishonouring one's own's needs -- especially the need for physical touch and intimacy -- because one doesn't trust a partner to honour them is a rather large betrayal. It's hard for me to see how this can simply be put aside without some really dangerous festering.
I'd be very curious to hear if any of your commenters have any experience, either personal or second-hand, with the value of marriage counsellors in this very specific area. We're still so uncomfortable as a society with the ideas of seniors and sex . . . so as I said, bravo for posting about it and opening the discussion.
It never bothered me, I think because I felt so fully loved and accepted by him that it didn't feel like anything was missing from our relationship. We didn't last as a couple for other reasons, but we're still very good friends. That love and acceptance has never wavered.
Also consider changing DH's diet so that it is less inflammatory. The Paleo diet is especially worth a look (it restored my spouse's libido and improved his mood. He seems to be very sensitive to gluten.) You can read similar tales from others on the various forums, Marks Daily Apple or Panu's Get Started Page are good intros)
His docs (yes, he consulted several) all though he was "healthy" too.
I love my husband dearly, and we still "do it" (largely because I think it would be unfair to him not to) but I can't summon any sexual interest in any man - or any woman. Or any thing. It's the same feeling that I have for baseball, decorating, most TV and elf/dragon fantasy movies - zero interest.
Aside from health/hormonal issues which can certainly affect libido, I would be willing to say that the lack of sex usually points to the lack of other things in the relationship.
No one has commented yet on Duchess"s description of her acquaintance. Her lack of interest in her own appearance could be at least one small piece of the puzzle.
Anonymous @10:23: As the t-shirt says, "Asexuality; Not Just for Amoebas Anymore". But Dee's spouse was definitely and enthusiastically sexual for years. The key is your phrase "it never bothered me", which to me indicates acceptance. She isn't there.
Anon@10:24: none of us thought of diet- great suggestion. Maybe I can contact her, she doesn't know about the blog.
Demi-pointe: Her loneliness was palpable. I wonder if he knows that.
Pearl: Certainly being less susceptible to mood swings would help one navigate single/available life. I loved HRT when my doc allowed it.
Anon@11:36: Seems as if you are enduring a wider-spread lack of interest. You mention health, and certainly health issues leach the joy and juice out of many aspects of life. Work pressures eventually show up as health issues, in my experience.
Susan: I am not proud of this: When Dee revealed the situation, my internal voice said, "Well, who would want to have sex with you, looking that way?" I did not say that (I have a modicum of tact) and the more I listened to Dee, the more I saw her lovely essence.
My guess is that she was not making an an effort because she thought no one will notice, and along the way lost touch with her womanliness.
I looked great, in my opinion (and others'), but it registered zero with him. Several years later I have gained back all the weight and more, and stopped exercising. I have given a lot of thought to why I can't get motivated to lose the weight again: I think it is partly because I figure it won't matter to him at all, and I don't really want to attract interest from other men, because I don't want to cheat. It's entirely possible Dee is using this same protective approach.
So. I realize this is a screwed up situation, and I have some resentment stored up. On the other hand, he is a kind person and a good father. So I just deal with it as best I can.
That could be Dee's strategy too. I kept fantasizing about taking her into the department store in the mall (the hotel where we met is attached to it) and putting her into other clothes. But as you pointed out, maybe she would not want to draw attention. (I did not assume this would be the "solution", but she just looked so drab and sexless.)
She was like a flower without water.
Looking good, getting fitter- could that not be something we could do for ourselves?
I don't generally reply to posts, but this one hit home. I am in a relationship very similar to Dee's. (Nice to know I'm not alone - misery loving company and all that...)
When I first broached the subject with my common law husband, I was told that because he'd put on a bit of weight, he didn't feel sexy. The next time, I was informed that sex "wasn't important" to him and that it was "just a small part of a relationship." Case closed. He didn't ask how I felt or consider that, since I was bringing it up (again), it was probably something that bothered me. I haven't pursued it because I want a man to seduce me because he can't help himself, not because I've nagged him.
Hand holding, quick, dry pecks and hugs (the back patting kind) are pretty much the extent of our physical contact. (He will sometimes pinch me when he walks past. Despite not really enjoying it (what is it with guys and pinching?!), I tolerate it because it's attention... How pathetic is that?!)
For the record, almost four years later, I still do my best to look attractive. It does something to one's psyche, however, to be told "not to bother" buying sexy lingerie or that one might as well throw out the unused condoms because "we won't use them before they expire." There are days, therefore, when I confess that I wonder why I bother. I can totally understand Dee wearing "frumpier" clothes. It is a constant battle to not let the lack of intimacy in my life influence how I feel about myself.
For me, it is a trade off for security. My surviving parent has Alzheimer's. I have no children. Siblings and friends, yes, all busy with their spouses, children and jobs - as they should be. None live in my city. When he talks of the future, I am in it. Right now, the trade off is worth it to me. In six months, it might not be.
I find comfort that there are other women... that I'm not a pariah. That is a wonderful gift. Thank you, Duchess.
How lovely to come across your blog.
I think it's sad that a woman ceases to look her best because her partner is not interested. To me, that speaks of depression--perhaps brought on by the lack of interest of her partner.
Does Dee know if her husband has become impotent? And doesn't want to discuss it out of embarrassment?
After four years, if I were in this situation, I'd be looking for what is the cause of the situation which might be painful but at least it opens the possibility of change. I'm not saying "cause of the problem", as Tiffany wisely pointed out it is only a problem if there is a discrepancy b/t partners.
Sandy aka Doris: Welcome, and thank you!
Susan: The equipment works, we asked. I think I make an effort as much for Le Duc as for myself. I find him devastatingly handsome so I would like to return the favour ;)
Frugal: We were in fact a table of 5-6 women, and talk about bonding! Once Dee said that, we talked of nothing else. These women, most of whom had never met before, were terrific: caring, straightforward, and even funny when they described their own, um, ups and downs with partners.
You are most definitely not alone.
Tiffany: You identify a critical distinction that I would call, colloquially, "the deal". I asked Dee what was the agreement (explicit or implicit) going into the relationship, and what does each party want now.
Some faiths (and secular belief systems) regard mutual,consensual sexual relations as a foundational condition of marriage, and condone divorce if one partner is no longer willing to participate. But other individuals or social groups hold different viewpoints.
Dee said she had expected mutual sex to endure as one of the important elements of her marriage and was unhappy about life without it.
I can say though that I have been there although every situation is different. We had a very active sex/snuggle life and then it stopped for years. This was before my husband had health issues, although perhaps these things were beginning to take their toll. He was not interested. He knew how I felt, even knew I was miserable, and in retrospect now I think knowing that made it even more difficult for him to make the overture to go back. Our problem started out as a powerful lack of communication, and also a control issue, but I won't go into that.
The woman in question may have been trying to fend off attention. She may have just been feeling unloved and despairing. I gained weight, and my stress levels went up enormously and I can honestly say that having someone say they love you and give you a sterile little peck does not make up for the profound loneliness that comes from feeling shunned.
But we did eventually talk about what started it all and how we got to where we found ourselves as well as what we both needed to do to get ourselves back into that relationship we once had. In my case the longer that chain of communication remained broken the harder it became to open it up again, and my spouse is not one who would accept outside help. Now we communicate much more openly and affectionately now but it was a lot of work to get to this point, and a lot of anger had to be set aside. Of course my husband is also older and has dementia now (although it was not necessarily in evidence then, I cannot dismiss the idea that health issues compounded the problem) so the relationship has evolved in many ways. It seems sad now that so much time was wasted.
I think that keeping the spark alive sometimes takes mental work and pure logistics too...setting aside time in busy schedules, making sure to have non-sexual "couple" time just to bond and remember that you are lovers and not just parents or roommates. We try to take a vacation with just the two of us every year, and go out on a "date" twice a month if we can. Le monsieur and I have very different circadian rhythms (he's much more a night owl than I) which means that we often have to plan so that I don't fall asleep too early or he doesn't get hooked on a movie that runs until the wee hours. Sometimes we get out of sync, and with both of us working and taking care of a special needs child evenings and weekends, it's too easy to let too much time go by without that connection. We do our best, keep a sense of humor, and get back on track as soon as we can.
"We eventually did talk about what started it all" is the key phrase for me. Without the communication, dark shadows build.
Pseu: Taking time as a couple, just to hang out, is essential to all aspects of the union. I see a number of young parents in my neighbourhood who don't do it, ("It's been two years since we got out!" and I worry a little.
If the speaker was as sad and despairing in her marrige it could produce the same end result. In her case, care and appearance could be easier to get back with happiness and comfort. In my case, with my innocent idiot pride in my "important" degree and career gone, I don't know - it really is much safer and easier in the world to avoid all issues of sexuality and femininity at work.
I suggest that any woman who runs into this, should decide at that very moment, if they wish to live the rest of their life the same as an 80+ widow and make their decision from that.
And the issue was never how I looked as I was always able to attract male attention; I am very fit and wear current styles.
Women who abstain from sex cannot just pick up where they left off after a "certain age" as men are able to do.
As a woman in corporate life (finance, tech), I've always been way outnumbered by men, and never felt that I wanted to "avoid all issues of femininity" by dressing like a man or a neutered woman.
But neither had I ANY time for the "use what you've got" justification of women who wore provocative clothes and used their sexuality to achieve what they wanted.
I aimed for the "third way", dressing like a 'lady", and was treated accordingly. Very occasionally I was patronized b/c I was female (usually only in the UK, circa 1980s) and even more rarely (when I was single) someone asked me out. (I never accepted.)
I used my size-6' in heels-intelligence and ability to use humour to smooth and disarm a few sexist dinosaurs. I'd have been deeply resistant to denying my femininity.
As for sexuality, people are always checking out the sex in which they are interested, at work and otherwise.
I received compliments on a new dress or suit; these were rendered in a respectful way. No one ever said or did anything that was overtly sexual. If he had, I would have given him a piece of my mind.
I won't hijack the discussion, but I likely feel the way I do because of how extremely unwanted women are in my line of work (and were even more so in automotive industry jobs) and my natural tendency to prefer androgynous dress. I'll wear a scarf and sweater and look like a "lady" but a mannish suit gives me a thrill - I haven't worn a dress in over a decade because I just can't stand them - they feel like a horrible costume and I'm embarassed in them. I don't know - maybe I'm really not 100% hetero, or I'm a mostly hetero woman with a strong andro/bi side, neither of those options really trouble me much. Some women just are not very femmy.
LPC: And maybe talking in front of a person with the skill and intention to help them. It's hard to find your way on your own.
Anon@3:19: I am not sure prayer will be an entirely adequate solution. Prayer may help you summon compassion and forbearance, but will likely not reveal your partner's current needs (not just sexual. That's needed before the two of you can move to some kind of resolution.
The termination of a formerly okay to good sex life is a powerful signal, but... of what? I am hoping you have someone who can help the two of you to discuss it without shame or blame.
You say your husband does not "want to hear your feelings". Guessing that is very painful for you. I don't think any man wants to hear us blather on about our feelings but caring how things are for the other is essential if love is to survive.
I remember similar loneliness the 7 years I was single after my first marriage ended 20 years ago.
Like Anonymous whose libido went off the cliff a few years ago, mine did too at 55 - due to menopause. I feel asexual, and lack desire. But my husband (15 years older) still has his mojo; we cuddle weekly and make love every couple weeks. It's wonderful he wants to; I enjoy the intimacy. He is otherwise less demonstative than me; I give him affectionate hugs and kisses regularly.
We both work out regularly, and care about our appearance. Looking after one's body promotes physical and mental health as well as self esteem.
It is self-care which will bring its own rewards as one ages.
Like Artful Lawyer, I prefer trousers & opt for modesty a la Duchesse. At nearly 6 feet, I always felt a little masculine in my clothes. But La Garçonne (blog) helped me realize lots of women prefer menswear and can look feminine wearing it. It's a matter of attitude, feminine accessories, and natural-looking makeup.
It's important for couples to realize that sexual interest waxes and wanes, and age affects it- and then talk and be prepared to change some behaviours.
re androgenous style: I adopted the garconne look when I was younger and slim, but now it doesn't suit me. Love it still on young adults, but after middle age it usually reads as too tough for my taste.
Maybe a new blouse next birthday?
Anon@2:00: Agree. I had very, very short hair, one factor in why it no longer worked so well.
I too would certainly think of looking elsewhere, and have a different view of the vows. My vows were made in good faith, that "to have and to hold" includes the sexual realm, if health permits. When one party cannot, or will not participate in one of marriage's key mutual conditions (for a significant period of time), the original contract needs to be discussed and *possibly* altered.
Or maybe not altered, but certainly openly discussed.
In some faiths, unwillingness to participate sexually in a marriage is grounds for dissolution.
I'm too much of a problem-solver to advise acceptance for the rest of your life, and too much of a realist to disparage acceptance as a strategy. It's his isolation that gnaws at me as I read your words, as well as your own sadness.