Dressing up: Joining the fun
For several years, a reader, C., has sent a review of the formal party she and her husband host every holiday season, including pictures. Far in advance, she mails invitations that specify a warm-climate version of evening attire: dinner jacket or at least suit and tie for men, and evening wear for women. C. is always stunning, often in a black dress; her husband wears his kilt.
This is their big annual party, and certain guests—the men in the mix—ignore the requestt. She's sent shots of a man in a Hawaiian shirt, someone who looked like he just washed his car, and another in shorts, amid fellas who know how put on a tie.
This year, a couple accepted, but only the man showed up, explaining that his wife was not attending because she "does not want to dress up." C. replied that, upon accepting the invitation, his wife knew the sort of party it would be, and she would have appreciated her regrets before the day.
"Oh", he replied, "she didn't know then that she wouldn't want to dress up."
Good manners seem to have vanished like ladies' lounge attendants, relegated to period dramas. I wondered if it's me: am I out of touch with the times? As a test, I told the anecdote to my Gen X hairstylist.
He was indignant. "What!", he said, "You never bail the night of a party like that unless you have to call an ambulance!" He recalled his and a friends' joint 40th birthday tea last summer; the dress code was "tea party dress; extra points for hats and boas!" and showed me guests of all genders (or undeclared) and ages in top hats, flouncy gowns and wild fascinators; kids in costumes.
Aha, I thought, so it's not strictly generational. Had Ms. Evening Avoidant had decided to take the leap, perhaps she could use some ideas.
Party tricks
An amusing way to pick a dressy party outfit: pretend you are standing next to Ryan Gosling in his custom-made Gucci suit, and not to pass a tray of canapés. Even if the age of his mom, as I am, it's a fast track to selecting party wear that yields better than a "you look nice" compliment, one of the all-time dismal remarks.
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| Ry brings the Kenergy |
Now, where was I? The Gos is not wearing a classic dinner suit with its bib-front shirt and cummerbund; like him, let's cut loose a little! He is not wearing a suit he would wear by day, and that's a simple criterion for formal eveningwear.
Some ideas:
1. Animal-print suit in a satiny poly from Zara. Sale price (limited sizes) is about $70 for the two pieces. (I break my Never Buy Fast Fashion Rule for party wear, unless you dress up often.)
2. Or, just the tuxedo jacket, like this Italian wool from J. Crew, with trousers or a skirt. Also comes in a rich carmine, for colour-lovers. A bigger investment at about $US 400 (sale price) but a chic piece that can serve for years.
3. A dress! Because she had lead time, she could have checked out secondhand sellers. But I would still buy good quality, because cheap evening dresses look it. I spent a few minutes on The RealReal and lost my heart to a Suzannah striped midi that has it all: easy to wear, with after-sundown appropriate metallic threads. The price was $135.
4. A knockout top, especially good for seated dinners. Again, look at secondhand. This is an unworn Margiela top (one size fits all) that would be ideal for such a party, and the price at Vestiare is about $CDN 100 plus shipping.
We don't know her circumstances; perhaps there is another, more sensitive reason and the attire-refusal was just what she wanted to say. I'm trying to be fair; however, guess who is off the guest list next year?
C. said the party was delightful, and the women friends clustered around her with evident affection looked like they were having a splendid time in their LBDs, a gold brocade top and a shocking pink maxi dress.
I think occasionally dressing up is fun, do you?
Comments
On a brighter note, your party finds are wonderful. That black dress is so festive and pretty! And the jacket is very classy indeed:-)
I live in a very casual area of the world - South Florida - and generally, this suits me quite well. But I was surprised to see men in running shorts and track pants at a recent play reading.
As far as the lady who didn’t show up for the party because she didn’t want to dress up, I think they should’ve come up with a better white lie.
That said, I would decline the invitation and not rudely show up in informal dress.
Book Goddess: C. lives in same part of FL that you do, and I've spent time there when my parents lived in FL for 30 yrs. So, I am familiar with the "casual side of casual". I've also admire women there in dressy but comfortable attire. If I wanted to stand next to Ry and he was in a So. FL suit, maybe a white dinner jacket, I would wear that Margiela top. And a pair of flat sandals; haven't worn heels for 40 years, not even to dressy weddings.
Rose: I completely understand if the extra 'work' in dressing up does not appeal, so you are wise to sidestep the dressy occasions when your presence is discretionary.
I do not view evening wear as pretentious, any more than dressing for a formal wedding is. Women who attend formal events regularly have their routine, and unless you are doing a red carpet, hair and makeup does not have to be an intensive endeavour. When I go (rarely) to formal events, my hair is exactly the same, makeup is just a tweak to deeper lips and a little more on the eyes. Sometimes, yes, I do get a deep-colour mani that I cannot put on myself.
The 'work' aspect is deeply gender-linked. men can own one dinner suit and wear it for life (as long as it fits) and women keep thinking must wear something different, and oh dear what? But a number of well-known women like Isabella Rossellini, Catherine Deneuve and Jane Birkin found that their "Le smoking" suit took care of everything and they wore nearly all the time (Birkin) or often enough that they are identified with it. Oh yes, and pearls!
Lots of tuxedos at the tiny Food Bank thrift in my town of 8000. No one buys them--many sizes available! Eva from Kyoto
Jane said that. In the '80s-'90s I had a secondhand tux that I wore with a bustier under the jacket, to all kinds of parties. I loaned that to more girlfriends than any dress I ever owned and each one said, "I loved it; I was so comfortable!"
If it's bigger than you are, it can still look great but get the waist tailored b/c there are no belt loops on formal trousers.
C. wrote to say I can quote her:
"Considering that we're not serving on paper plates and make a great deal of effort to have the evening pretty and special, specifying a dress code is acceptable. It literally takes us weeks to get ready with our deep-cleaning of the house (as well as having it someone come in to clean), washing the holiday dishes, polishing the silver and furniture, ironing the linens, and my preparing the food. (I hire someone to deal with the food at the party so that we can enjoy ouselves with the guests.) We belive strongly that asking people to dress accordingly is perfectly reasonable and that their attire is part of respecting our efforts (or not)."
C.'s husband heard this woman yelling in the background when the husband called on the day of the party, "I don't feel like dressing up."
Friends and we dress up for once. The venue is usually not anyone's home
So no one has the burden of hosting.
It's great fun and my excuse to buy an outfit which I can
Bling up for one night and wear casually otherwise.
C. described a friend who found a gorgeous long, beaded gown at a thrift for $12.50, so that would be another whole layer of fun (for me).
I'm shocked sometimes at how people dress for occasions like weddings and funerals. I would not dream of going to a funeral dressed like I was taking out the garbage or without Mr. V in a suit, but it's been done. Someone once said to me no one dresses like that anymore and I said "well we do". And we do.
Venasque: Doesn't sound like that woman had done such entertaining herself, does it? Your comment about funerals made me realize how norms have changed in the last 50 years. People dressed formally and soberly for funerals. A 16 yr old niece came to her grandfather's funeral in tight, ripped and studded jeans, a tiny crop top and sexy evening makeup—she looked like a bar dancer. I think her mother (dressed appropriately) was too grief-stricken to put up a fight.
People used to dress for many milestone events—funerals, weddings, graduation ceremonies, birth celebrations—whether held in places of worship or not. I do miss that reverence for the event.