Uneven aging: Vows

March 21, 1986

Today is our 37th wedding anniversary.  When I was asked, in French class, "What is the secret to a long marriage"; I replied, "Ne pas faire reposer tous ses besoins sur l'autre." (Do not place all your needs on the other.) Heads nodded, even a nun's.

Ironically, the classic vows point us toward that remit: "...for better or worse, in sickness and in health, from this day forward, as long as we both shall live." The day comes with a beribboned wallop of commitment, once you utter that. (I have never heard vows qualified by "on a good day", or "unless the all the kids are vomiting at once.") 

We were aware of what life might send. We had both been married before and saw firsthand how love can erode. But we were entirely willing to make the vows that assured the other, I'll be here. I felt incredibly lucky, excited, optimistic and at the same time, deeply at peace. We wondered what life would send, but on such a joyful day, there's hardly a moment to think of the distant future.

As decades pile up, and you grow older together, there comes a point when you wonder who will survive the other. Because I am nearly seven years older than LeDuc, I had the pleasure of our financial planner showing me a chart where my pension tails to zero, because, as she euphemistically put it, "you leave us", and his clicks along. My thought, and I am not proud of it, was, "We'll see about that."

When you are in the Passage, there is a constant assessment of who is healthier, who needs more care. This is why I began to write the series, and at that point I knew but one thing: you reap what you sow.

If love, respect, and solid commitment—despite the need for an occasional junket with the girls— are not present, the compassion and attention are difficult to muster. When those qualities have been built, tested, rebuilt, nurtured, there is a willingness to give, to see the afflicted person through to recovery or to the end of life. I have also seen couples separate after thirty or forty years; some retain caring, but cancel their responsibility for the "in sickness and in health" part.

Aging is bound to be uneven, but so is love—sometimes a vibrant and natural flow, sometimes a jaw-grinding slog. I've long wondered why we pay so much attention to the signs of aging, to fighting its incursions, and don't focus instead on nurturing our capacity to love. Which one can we do something about, and which will help us support the other, whether a partner, friend or neighbour?

Thirty-seven years ago, I did not know quite what my vows would entail, but I would not have guessed that Le Duc, who has developed several non-trivial health issues, would need more support than me. That could change overnight, but for now, I am the one making sure he's following orders... more or less.

But today is not just about whether those day-of-the-week medication boxes are properly filled, or the next appointment is on the calendar. It's about recalling the intense joy of that day, the feeling of being so lucky, and of knowing he felt that way, too.

I did say, in that class, that the secret is not to put all one's needs on the other, but at year thirty-seven, the assurance of support through a difficult time—willingly and with love—seems the most significant promise we made.

Comments

Jay said…
Happy Anniversary.
May the years ahead bring good health and contentment
Duchesse said…
Jay: Thank you. I read once that contentment as one ages is directly proportional to being able to enjoy the small things in life, so I'm confident about that. Health will be trickier.
gelinda said…
Happy anniversary. I leave shortly for Europe and will raise a glass to you in Paris.
Vancouver Barbara said…
Happy Anniversary. What a lovely story. Well, not the health problems...but your enduring love and cherishing.
I live in a "vertical village" with an older population and see much evidence of which you speak. People who have found their soulmate are blessed.
Anonymous said…
Happy Anniversary!!!
Hope you and LeDuc enjoy many beautiful, simple moments together!!
Hope love continues to blossom in your relationship. Hope laughter is the
best medicine. Hope holding hands brings a smile to your face.
Happy Anniversary!!!
mimi
Jane in London said…
Happy anniversary! My very best wishes to you both.

The thoughts expressed in your post resonate deeply with me, as you'll appreciate. We, too, are aiming to make the very most of those good moments when they land.

I think that, for me, the key is to be honest with myself on those days when I am being less than a ray of sunshine ;-) When I ask myself "why am I sounding so impatient today?" often the answer is something like I'm tired, or my back hurts, or I'm feeling very anxious. Then I know that I need to pause and take some proper care of myself. As the cabin crew always tell you: put on your own oxygen mask before helping others...



Poppy B. said…
I too am an older woman, and we’ll have been married 35 years this fall. And I love this post so much! Happy anniversary to you and that stud muffin you married.
Kamchick said…
Here, we are coming up to 56 years. Uneven it IS! My husband has had a couple of small strokes (not TIAS) and has lost a LOT of mobility (except when he rides his scooter!). The household workload now falls to me. Yet we do know that, in a heartbeat, I may lose my, so far, robust health and then we'll be in big trouble.

We are 'winding up' 25 years of life on the Lake and moving to Ottawa to an independent seniors apartment (brand new). It will be the first level in a community where we can get more assistance as needed.

Thank you ,Duchesse, for your wise words. May your continuing partnership remain strong and may you continue to enjoy a well crafted life together.
Leslie M said…
Happy Anniversary. You were a beautiful spring bride! You are both lucky to have the support of the other and are not alone. You also raised wonderful boys, vomiting or not. :-)

LauraH said…
What a lovely post. Happy Anniversary to you both.
Tom said…
I must admit that I used to avert my gaze from this important topic! Tom was always ahead of me in aging, having had back issues since he was in his 20s. Now I have unexpectedly overtaken him--my own spine issue, which seems to be connected to a bout of COVID contracted last summer in Brazil (home country of son-in-law). It is indeed an affliction! I am determined to keep traveling, but it remains to be seen if determination will be sufficient. BTW, my sparse commenting is a function of my loss of energy. I still keep up with all your posts--aesthetic, philosophical, and the like. Best regards to you et le Duc. e
Beth said…
Happy Anniversary to you both -- can't tell you how much I love that picture!
Barbara said…
Happy Anniversary!
You both have been and still are a beautiful couple.

I think each long marriage has their own rules. We both are two married loners and that's the reason we still are together after over 40 years.
Jumpringer said…
This post resonates reflecting on my own 40th anniversary this year. First marriage for both of us, and as Barbara said, each long marriage has its own rules.

Happy anniversary and thank you for this thoughtful post.
Anonymous said…
What a lovely bridal couple, and it sounds as though the loveliness continues. Congratulations.

Ceci
Laura J said…
Best wishes to you both!
This series is the one I most share with a few married friends who are aged/ing and have uneven health issues. Old age requires much love and strength.
Nancy Friedman said…
Mazel tov! How very fortunate you are to have a successful marriage. And how mature you were in that French class!
Duchesse said…
Nancy: Thank you. My remark was made in the last year so "mature"...no kidding! I am eternally in French class.
I've been following your posts on "visible" mending and searching for LOCAL embroidery wool (and cotton).
Allison said…
Congratulations to you both! 37 years is something to celebrate! We were married 47 years ago this June and yes, our relationship has written its own rules. ‘Tolstoy wrote ‘All Happy families resemble one another, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.’ I believe long term marriages turn that phrase around. Marriages of long standing have learned to be happy in their own way but all miserable long term relations are that way for the usual suspect reasons. As the years move along we forge agreements, both said and unsaid, to keep the union going. Those agreements are individual to each couple and what works for one might not hold for another. From what I have observed about long married couples (>35 yrs) they split because ‘we’ve grown apart’ ‘he/she is so boring they never want to do anything’ etc.
My parent’s marriage ended five days after their 69th anniversary upon the death of my mother at 93. When I reflected out loud to my Dad that mother had made it to her birthday, his birthday and their anniversary ( all within a few weeks) Father stated “Most importantly she was there for our anniversary, I am so grateful for that.” Believe me, this was a couple who wrote their own rules!
Enjoy this day and many more together!
Duchesse said…
lagatta: I suggest Biscotte, the fantastic yarn store owned by the knitter and designer Louise Robert and her husband, at 5354 St-Laurent. Not all the yarns she sells are Quebec-made but some are. Or phone first to discuss. This is not only a LOCAL store, it is not far from you.
I think the St-Laurent location is fairly new as there is not yet a sign on the storefront.
https://leslainesbiscotte.com
Susan said…
Happy Anniversary. I like what you have to say in this post. We are at year 47 in our marriage, have not met significant health issues yet--but recognize that they will come.
Bunny said…
Happy Anniversary to you both. You have reached a milestone many never do. Thank you for so eloquently expressing the true essence of a good marriage, navigating the ups and downs together and committing to that willingly. When my oldest daughter and her beloved took us out for a lovely dinner and he formally asked for her her hand in marriage from us, we had a little talk. He told us he wanted a marriage like ours. We told him and our daughter that they then had to understand that marriage was not fifty fifty. It was more one hundred and fifty and twenty five and it would alternate as to who carried the highest number at any given time as life handed over its challenges. They underestood. We have no regrets and neither do they! I wish you the best as you both face these future years. There is still much fun and joy to come, despite challenges.
Bunny said…
Oh, 53 years here!

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