The confidante
A friend I'll call "Rick" came to dinner the other night, bringing macarons stuffed not with ganache but with creme glacée, like a secret nestled in a sweet envelope of meringue.He also brought another secret, sharing great good fortune that will be announced within a month. "You can't tell anyone", he said, after breaking the news.
"You've told the right family", I said, because Le Duc is terrific at keeping confidences, and I'm no slouch myself, if uneasy.
Lifelong secret-keeping, as in "The real father of my daughter is Boris, but you can never tell anyone, especially her", weighs heavily on a friendship. I'm still bearing a several secrets of this class (and yes, I have changed details), but will be grateful for the day when the teller decides to lift the cloak.
Because I don't bear secrets lightly, I hesitate before asking someone to keep mine. The urge to enlist another in confidences seems irresistible among women, and once uttered, the closed door of discretion locks with a thud. (The propensity to divulge secrets seems more characteristic of women than men, once I disallow business-related examples.)
"Ellen" confided in Le Duc about her marriage; she asked him to tell no one, "not even (me)". He felt queasy when I blithely assumed things about the couple that were far from accurate. Later, Ellen apologized to him for decreeing that he had to keep the truth from me. But I asked myself, Can she not ask him to keep a confidence? He could say yes or no.
Sometimes, though, the person inserts the cross-your-heart clause after she has laid the secret on you. This is sub-par secreting and all bets ought to be off, but who would say, "Nah, you told me and now I'm telling, get over yourself?" Co-opted into discretion, the confidante steps up to the trust.
And sometimes I've discovered that a secret granted as an exclusive ("I'd never tell anyone else...")
was common knowledge, with the teller waiting to see who cracked first.
Secrets as drama, tests, friendship bracelets. And even secrets as art: the site PostSecret allows the teller to anonymously post his or her secret, creating virtual confidantes.
In Rick's case, the secret isn't larded with scandal or regret. It's bursting-with-happiness news that demands neither the diplomatic white lie nor devious distraction, just several day's silence.
Still, it's almost harder not to blab about his good fortune; joy multiplies when divulged.
Can you keep a secret? Do you ask it of others?
Comments
Darla
Pseu: Inadvertantly revealing a secret is a mess; I did it once but it was nothing serious, a surprise party- but still, embarrassing.
Darla: I think most persons are uncomfortable when asked to keep things from spouses.
hostess: That works, but only if it is negotiated before they tell you the secret. In Le Duc's case, it was after,
Susan: That is a circumstance where you are using discretion, rather than keeping a secret. I appreciate discretion. You have to know the other person well though, to make that distinction.
Gretchen: Thank you for pointing out that there are various motives for sharing a confidence, and advice is one. Another one that occurred to me is, confession or the act of witnessing. Sometimes someone wants to get it off her chest, but does not want the rest of the world to know.
Anon@11:42: This a sad secret; while there is no shame or transgression, it must be kept in confidence. I too have been privy to such secrets concerning illness. I wanted to support that person, who clearly needed to tell at least a few friends or family, but it was hard. (I am thinking too of Nora Ephron, who kept her illness from all but a few.)
Though it's unclear why you cannot commiserate with him or her (since you both know), I infer it is because it might tip off others that something is amiss.
Bourbon & Pearls: Secrets about extramarital affairs are crawly ones to keep when you know both married persons (and downright weird when you know the paramour, too). Generally these things blow up with sides taken and friendships wrecked- at least in my rather conventional circle.
Carol
Of course the family was devastated, but said they would have liked to have known, and be able to accept that their talented, accomplished son was gay.
lagatta: When secrets are kept from someone who would have liked to have known, I hope they ask themselves what fear or concern affected the silence. Sexual orientation is still a secret in many families and communities.
Kathy: I wonder how many of us have actually been able to stop the teller and say "No! Don't tell me! Not another word!" Either my curiosity outweighs my unease or they have just dropped it on me out of the blue.