Men who don't dance and the women who love them
A friend, here under the protection of the name "Moira", sent an e-mail recently, describing a party at which her sixtyish husband, whom I'll call "Jack" danced.
This was a remarkable event; in their long marriage he neither danced nor expressed any desire to do so. But for some reason, at this party, he shed his inhibitions and shook his groove thang. He had a terrific time, though the future is still unclear.
If you love to dance and if your partner does not, you spend a life dancing with your girlfriends, their brothers or just yourself. I can relate: Le Duc will dance at a party or wedding, but the term "go dancing" is as attractive to him as "skin endangered Himalayan snow leopards".
I asked him why so many men do not like to dance. His answer was immediate: "They fear losing their dignity and looking incompetent."
Some persons have an innate musicality that they enjoy expressing through movement, and others do not. Just like athletic skill, movement is a talent; everyone has some, but great dancers have an easy grace. Men do not seem to realize they don't have to be great, we just wanna dance.
Alcohol played a part in Jack's deliverance unto the beat. A few belts does loosen up a wallflower, but is not essential. What the male needs is the required mental shift, the moment where he decides, Hey, this might be fun.
Jack, a dear and deep uber-WASP, seemed to think dancing is not quite manly. I reminded Moira that, in many cultures and religious traditions, males dance with pride and virility. But once frat days are over, this is not the case for WASP guys. You find a few men who cannot wait for the music to start, but the majority head for the patio, hoping someone else, anyone else, will ask their partners to dance.
And lo, Le Duc said, "I want to take salsa lessons."
When men (or women, but I don't know any) refuse to dance, they miss out on a joyful, community-building, sensual, playful and stress-reducing activity. Let's encourage boys and young men to dance! Square dances, raves, drum circles, ballroom competitions, jumping around the kitchen to Odd Future: whatever works. We can stress the athletic element, if they prefer that. But if boys don't move rhythmically, men don't dance.
We won't scare them with codified rituals and formality unless they seek that level of refinement. But let's not let them sit this one out.
Comments
big hug,
Vivienne
Going to keep trying.
I would rather not make anyone feel uncomfortable so I do not put any pressure on those reluctant to shake a leg.
It is lovely to watch a couple who really can dance, they have obviously taken lessons for all the fancy footwork.
Bourbon&Pearls: I feel that way about golf!
Pam: Some me are happier with just "pub dancing", you know, like you do at a blues bar. Others will only ever dance once equipped with lessons. And others will not, period.
kathy peck: To salsa you need some instruction, but our local salsa clubs do that informally. You just show up at 8pm for a free 45 min lesson b/f the band plays. That's what we did, it was low key and fun.
pseu: I could not get into the world of long-term lessons and levels but know some couples who have and they adore it. They say great exercise and de-stressing.
Anonymous: If a person can walk, he or she can dance- *if* the person is interested. (I have even attended wheelchair dances.) Some dance forms require less coordination than driving. And no one *has* to dance, especially if they don't enjoy anything about it.
Mardel: Same here, and it's puzzling to me that so many people think they have to be good at something in order to enjoy it.
ma: Here's that dance-killer thought again, We have to be good at something to enjoy it. So what if we look like Richard Simmons in a skirt, if it's fun? On the other hand, I can see how satisfying it would be to step on the floor and execute a cool mambo!
hostess: I don't put pressure on people either. Much as I admire a graceful gliding couple, I'm pretty happy with just jumping around to "Mustang Sally".
Artful: Have same background as you. Some men do love to dance, (even engineers); as I say, they don't have to be good to have fun.
My husband loves to dance and I am grateful for it.
Me, I'm a dancing fool and will dance anywhere, anytime.
There is more dignity in a "real" style of dancing like swing or salsa, so I think your husband is on to something.
I've had a blast trying out Swedish folk dances, line dances and dances one teacher called "Dances of Peace", done in a circle.
In many cultures there are levels of dance: a casual, free-form style and then the formal dances which take months, sometimes years, to learn to do well.
By the way, men (and women) with pronounced left-brainism often experience a transformation when they learn Argentine Tango, of all things. Despite its reputation as an uninhibited, passionate dance, tango is actually very analytical and meditative. It's 80% about listening and nonverbal communication and only 20%, if that, about self-expression. I know many engineers and computer programmers who excel at tango for those reasons.
(By the way, these observations do not apply to American Tango or International Tango--the varieties you see on "Dancing with the Stars" and other competitions. Totally different dances.)
Tango seems to me like learning bridge: once you have learned the moves and built a bit of confidence, it's enjoyable, before then, nerve-wracking.
Like others, we've talked about taking dancing lessons but it never seems to happen, probably because our choir commitment is all consuming, and anyway singing is music too!
Or is that just a U.S. thing?
I know an 50ish single man who loves to dance and plans a p/t retirement career on a cruise ship, Apparently men who can dance (and are well-mannered) are hired as dance partners, with very specific orders to ask all the women in turn for a dance.
Terri: If DH does not enjoy dancing, he may never change- or he may prefer an informal setting. (Le Duc likes salsa clubs but fades at a wedding or in a ballroom.) Hope your grandson keeps dancing!
I'm actually convinced that it's perfectly OK to do stuff badly. I swim badly, ski badly, canoe badly, and enjoy them all tremendously, perhaps even better because I don't feel any urge to do them well. Dancing ought to be the same.
An insistence on for excellence is a real joy-killer.
And "badly" is relative. When my friend Jeanne, a North-American ranked bridge player, "plays badly" it is quite different from my "playing badly".
I had forgotten why I don't wear cashmere, but I never expected this from a quality product. Any ideas how I can get that smell out?
http://www.realsimple.com/beauty-fashion/clothing-care/how-to-wash-cashmere-00000000031600/index.html
(I wash mine in a mesh bag on the delicate cycle/cold water in the machine, with baby shampoo, and dry flat.)
Dry cleaning puts more chemicals on the sweater. Washing is better for cashmere than d/c unless there is are multiple colours and you are not sure of colour fastness.
I've never had the issue myself with Bompard (or other brands) but if the odor is not out after washing, I'd return the sweater, noting the problem, with your request for exchange, credit or refund.
We have enjoyed "contra" dancing put on every winter by a local folk music group.
I'm straight.
I'm white.