Changing the Christmas giving game
Last summer, Susan, a close friend approached me about discontinuing our annual Christmas gifts to one another. She spoke of her wish for more philanthropy. I readily agreed. We're keeping our annual Christmas lunch, a 30+ year tradition.I then thought of the dozen or so friends with whom I exchange gifts, and wondered if they, like Susan, might agree to changing the focus of our giving. I sent an e-mail requesting this.
So far, I've had three responses, two of enthusiastic "Yes, please!" variety and a terse "I will comply with your request." As I said in my e-mail, I look forward to continuing the celebration of their birthdays or milestones with gifts, but for Christmas giving, I will give to those in need and request they do the same.
WendyB wrote a hilarious screed against people who give her "gifts" of you-have-made-a donation cards. Wendy, you're not getting the card. The do-gooder glow, the tax receipt– they're mine. You can give to whomever you want, or get your nails done. No need to report to me.
We adopted this practice years ago within the extended family, but announcing the new plan to friends made me aware of how entrenched gift-giving is at Christmas, and the social pressure at play. I would rather have a friend contribute toward a hamper of food for a struggling family's table than receive another candle or pot of paperwhites, pleasant though they are.
When I choose birthday or spontaneous gifts for friends, I really get into it. So my friends will continue to receive personally-selected gifts intended to delight, just not on Christmas. That's the time (among others) to help needy families, isolated elders, animals or our magnificent planet. I'll continue to entertain or bring homemade treats or a good bottle when I'm a guest. And with the focus on the individual, rather than one name among a long list, I can lavish even more attention on those gifts.
Whether or not one celebrates Christmas, this seems to me a practical way to do something more. Anyone who seriously objects will receive a copy of "Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity World-Wide" by Nicholas Krisof and Sharon WuDunn.Their article, "Saving the World's Women" in the New York Times Magazine was a significant factor in my decision.
If you give holiday gifts, are you changing or maintaining your traditions?
Comments
You do have a gift for gift-giving. And I love the idea of wrenching gift-giving free from conventional occasions.
Thoughtful as always.
I have been trying to discourage my daughters from giving to everyone in the class. One of them now does a Secret Santa at school. The other I have managed to beat down to small inexpensive gifts as she insists on spreading her presents so far and wide.
It has taken many decades for me to reach the point of wanting to forgo the exchange of Xmas gifts with friends. The family will exchange gifts. We have never gone wild at Christmas, that's more for birthdays.
to charity and usually plan a lovely evening out with close friends. My holidays are relaxed and truly filled with good will.
materfamilias: Having grandchildren will reintroduce me to the world of toys, though with my sons I requested the grandparents give one gift to each child. We never wanted Christmas to be centered on receiving tons of gifts. And of course learning to give is important for many reasons.
LaurieAnn: All Clad! One of the great aspects of life. Yes, a tiny amount makes a difference in the hands of a responsible, effective aid organization.
metscan: Hope you have the opportunity to do so, this would be a fantastic post if you would like to do a guest post! Stress lifted once Le Duc and I agreed, when the children were young, that we would not travel at Christmas- and told the families.
As someone raised in the Chrisitan church, I'm amazed by how a holiday celebrating Jesus's birth is marked by running around the malls like a headless chicken.
For birthdays, weddings and other personal life events, I love to find unique and personal gifts. But at Christmas, I try to think about the meaning of the holiday and take care of those who need it most. I do give presents to the young children in my life, but I keep those much more modest than what I give at their birthday: for instance, several second-hand books that I buy at the public library sale for 50 cents each.
And for the most part, I don't want most of the gifts that come from obligation anyway, better a call or getting together sometime, the personal relationship has far more lasting value.
Still, it can be hard to break the cycle of expectation.
Just my 2 centimes...
As I wrote, I request they give to a good cause (instead of to me); I'm not asking to know the charity or amount they spent. I trust them to make their own choice- these are friends I've had for decades.
The "gift in your name" donation is a different strategy. If one goes that route, I agree a donation to the cause the recipient supports is thoughtful.
Lately I've decided to loosen up one more step with close friends, and just not exchange anything, trusting them to give to their favourite causes, and me to mine. (But having said that I can't resist telling them what I'm doing.)
If they want to give to someone on their street, that's fine. And I don't want them to have to say how much they gave.
So much better than Barnes and Noble cards, isn't it?