Kintsugi
Lorrie bought a floaty tea-length dress for her nephew’s late-summer wedding at an Arizona resort. She then said that she had also found a cardigan to “hide my arms”. A style blogger posted a WIW of herself in a skirt, mentioning that she will shortly add opaque tights to hide her veins.
Another woman was shocked by her rounder torso, so bought jeans with a 'slimming panel' and a butt-lifting construction. Her reaction to actually wearing them was choked rage; she returned them.
I wonder, is it the responsibility of anyone with visible, natural effects of age to spare others from seeing her body? There seems to be a sense that unless trussed like a Christmas turkey, we will offend.
Or are we driven by our need to be admired? Is Pride, one of the Seven Deadly sins, bucking for the #1 slot, rather than living companionably with the other six vices that we plan to address 'sometime'?
“Jeez Louise”, I said to Lorrie, “it’s going to be 30C on that patio, and you'll want to dance! Let yourself be comfortable!” I've known her for 45 years, so I could also say, "What are we doing? Protecting people from seeing our age?" She later wrote that the wedding was magical, and that she thought of our conversation and shed the sweater.
What (and I really want to know this, it is not rhetorical) is wrong with looking not only your age, but your life? I harp on this with my friends. Ella said that my attitude is influenced by having a long-time partner. She is presently single, and far more attuned to the exigencies of the post-60 dating scene. She has a point. And surgery.
I'm all for grooming; I once ended a dinner date before the appetizers because the man had obviously not showered, and for more than a day. But this is not about social convention, which says don’t show up stinky. It is about shame, which says don’t show up old.
The terrific anxiety, the terror of looking anything older than a woman of indeterminate early middle age, drives me nuts. If over 50, one is part of the largest cohort of 50-to-65 year-olds who have ever lived, world-wide. Where is the We’re Here, We Have Age Spots, Get Used to It movement?
The magnificent writer Ursula LeGuin said, shortly before she died at the beginning of this year, that she did not mind her crinkled face much, because she had never been a great beauty. And it does seem that my friends—both male and female—most celebrated for their looks are the ones especially shaken.
To hell with draping your body like a Christo installation when it’s so hot the heat shimmers off the flagstones. And to hell in a rearview mirror, Ella, to a lover for whom you have to cheat time to capture attention.
I do know women who don’t buy into aesthetic ageism. They certainly take care of themselves, but do not feel they're a blight on society for having more hip, less neck than they once did. Like the size acceptance movement, they come as they are. Some are forthright, some persuade only through their gentle presence. They walk among us, though not usually in Spanx.
What are we teaching younger generations if we transmit the idea that older bodies are disgusting? Our mature bodies should be like the pottery the Japanese restore by kintsugi, a technique which preserves an aged piece with lacquer dusted with precious metals.
As a philosophy, kintsugi treats wear and breakage as part of the piece's history, rather than something to disguise.
Be subversive: Wear your history.
Another woman was shocked by her rounder torso, so bought jeans with a 'slimming panel' and a butt-lifting construction. Her reaction to actually wearing them was choked rage; she returned them.
I wonder, is it the responsibility of anyone with visible, natural effects of age to spare others from seeing her body? There seems to be a sense that unless trussed like a Christmas turkey, we will offend.
Or are we driven by our need to be admired? Is Pride, one of the Seven Deadly sins, bucking for the #1 slot, rather than living companionably with the other six vices that we plan to address 'sometime'?
“Jeez Louise”, I said to Lorrie, “it’s going to be 30C on that patio, and you'll want to dance! Let yourself be comfortable!” I've known her for 45 years, so I could also say, "What are we doing? Protecting people from seeing our age?" She later wrote that the wedding was magical, and that she thought of our conversation and shed the sweater.
What (and I really want to know this, it is not rhetorical) is wrong with looking not only your age, but your life? I harp on this with my friends. Ella said that my attitude is influenced by having a long-time partner. She is presently single, and far more attuned to the exigencies of the post-60 dating scene. She has a point. And surgery.
I'm all for grooming; I once ended a dinner date before the appetizers because the man had obviously not showered, and for more than a day. But this is not about social convention, which says don’t show up stinky. It is about shame, which says don’t show up old.
The terrific anxiety, the terror of looking anything older than a woman of indeterminate early middle age, drives me nuts. If over 50, one is part of the largest cohort of 50-to-65 year-olds who have ever lived, world-wide. Where is the We’re Here, We Have Age Spots, Get Used to It movement?
The magnificent writer Ursula LeGuin said, shortly before she died at the beginning of this year, that she did not mind her crinkled face much, because she had never been a great beauty. And it does seem that my friends—both male and female—most celebrated for their looks are the ones especially shaken.
To hell with draping your body like a Christo installation when it’s so hot the heat shimmers off the flagstones. And to hell in a rearview mirror, Ella, to a lover for whom you have to cheat time to capture attention.
I do know women who don’t buy into aesthetic ageism. They certainly take care of themselves, but do not feel they're a blight on society for having more hip, less neck than they once did. Like the size acceptance movement, they come as they are. Some are forthright, some persuade only through their gentle presence. They walk among us, though not usually in Spanx.
What are we teaching younger generations if we transmit the idea that older bodies are disgusting? Our mature bodies should be like the pottery the Japanese restore by kintsugi, a technique which preserves an aged piece with lacquer dusted with precious metals.
As a philosophy, kintsugi treats wear and breakage as part of the piece's history, rather than something to disguise.
Be subversive: Wear your history.
This post is dedicated to the memory of my neighbour, Linda Kay,
pioneering journalist and beloved professor,
who died on October 12.
A remarkable woman who embodied these notions—in a Pucci dress.
Comments
Thanks, and let me take on that "but". I get the fact of sexual competition. What I am against, vehemently, is a women's buying into the notion that she ought to disguise her body, despite her being uncomfortable, or inconvenienced.
In "The Marvelous Mrs Maisel" we saw a prime example of this when Midge Maisel (in her glossy mid-twenties!) awoke before her husband and ran to the bathroom so she could present a fully made-up face to him. We laugh at that now. One day I hope we will laugh at a woman of 65 who thinks she must wear a cardigan over a dress in tropical heat so guests will not see her fleshy arms.
Yes, worse in North American, and worse in the online world, where a number of posters note their flaws in a kind of Style Maoism of Self-Criticism.
As to my face, I focus on taking care of my skin but have to admit I'm not all that happy about the continued sagging, etc. Don't plan to have surgery or botox or anything along those lines. I'ld rather spend my money travelling:-) I agree with some of the comments you've had about your perspective as part of a long time marriage, there is more pressure if you are trying to find someone, not that I would go under the knife for that reason. You've also been genetically blessed, some who are not so lucky may feel more despondent when they look in the mirror. Perhaps it's worth it to some to make those changes in order to boost their spirits.
It makes me sad when I see other women who try so, so hard to be something that is gone, never to return no matter how hard they try. That said there's a difference between giving up and going to the sweats permanently and looking as good as you can. But that's a different discussion for another time.
Then my mother-in law-started spending winters in FL and would not appear anywhere in a swimsuit. So, different women approached the subtropics differently. But guess who had more fun?
Venasque: Such a lovely way to put it, "lifting babies and small trees". I think the notion of "giving up" is important to parse as it is another powerful cultural meme. Doctors talk about the "lipstick test"- if they visit a woman in a hospital bed and she has put on lipstick, it is a sure sign of recovery. IME, going into sweats permanently can be a sign of depression.
And there are things I will not wear anymore just because I think they look silly on me now- miniskirts, ditsy florals.
Mme Là-bas: Reminds me of Nora Ephron's comment that she wasted an entire year of her life, at 26, not wearing a bikini. We can't change our behaviour back then, but we can be aware of our current attitude and ask, Is this serving us or limiting us?
Did you see the film "As Good as It Gets"? Jack Nicholson and Dianne Keaton are 50-something lovers, and one summer evening she is in her kitchen preparing them a meal. He says, "What's with the turtleneck... in August???" This is another example of how women think they should cover all signs of age. OK, it's a movie, but I've seen it in real life too.
I am talking about either self-imposed or culturally-taught revulsion toward aging physiques (most often women’s) so that women believe it is unacceptable to display them even in settings where it is done by younger persons as a matter of course.
Lorrie’s dress was perfect for the occasion and climate, but she felt that exposing her arms would somehow be beneath the event, kind of dent the elegance. Other women have told me they are revulsed by features no longer youthful, so they hide them. I know women who will not go to beach or pool, even though they would enjoy that, because they “ have to wear a swimsuit”. (Which is not entirely true anyway.)
I’m asking women to reject what is a profoundly ageist and denigrating attitude.
I had weight loss surgery a year ago ( rising A1c, sleep apnea, nothing else worked), and had a great result..I lost 90 pounds, but now I have flabby skin that used to be filled with fat. I look at myself and feel a little bad, but then I think about how much healthier I am and think...who cares about my neck...or my arms.
Finally, Duchesse...please, please write a book. Essays, fiction, non-fiction...doesn’t matter. You have the most beautiful way with language, and I enjoy reading your blog so much.
Thank you for the encouragement, I'll think about it. I so enjoy the two-way channel the blog allows... of course there is room for both.
A young man recently mentioned how much he enjoys "queering straight spaces", and I thought, well maybe I am suggesting we "age young spaces."
Please think about your reason, because when you are unaccepting of anything less than "great arms or legs" for it to be OK for an older person to dress like anyone else, this is ageism. Your standard, "If you do not have 'great legs or arms'" excludes a very sizeable chunk of mature humanity.
Thank you for commenting, because my post counters your point of view and I am sincerely grateful that you read it.
I remember looking at my grandmothers when I was very young. The turkey necks and swinging arm skin was fascinating to me. I knew it was because they were old, but it never adversely affected my love or admiration for them and I smiled to myself the first time my arm skin did the hokey pokey. As Beth said, my attitude comes from those lovely women.
SWIMSUITS - there are new workarounds - am sad people wouldn't swim if they felt body-shy. I am someone who has never liked showing my arms een when young(as another reader commented), but there are solutions. There are now 'rash suits' and 'leg suits' which have arms and short legs (not like those silly swim skirts which float up around you in a tangle-y mess). Beyonce was photographed wearing a long-sleeved, zip-fronted swimsuit this summer - and I mean...Beyonce. Monki had an awesome one in black this year - very kind of James Bond feeling. There are also 'board suits' for surfers (women) with longer legs (covering crepe-y things)and with or without arm coverage. These suits are nice because they give you sun protection and a bit of coverage. And they feel modern and fun. There are lots of two piece things with a rash suit top and a matching short (Lands End, etc.). It's also linked into the 'modest fashion' movement as the fashion world caters to women whose faith demands a bit of coverage. Everyone has there own thing. I admire the people who do not care and am working to get there, but in the meantime. Also, Leslie Milligan, good riddance to your husband and how nice your grandmothers gave you your strength and clarity
Royleen: In pearls!
Beth: I believe every age has its beauty, which is pretty much the opposite of 90% the beauty industry.
I've read your enjoyable blog many times. Today, i am compelled to express how much i love your wisdom. Thank you.
Sara: Lovely to hear that memory.
Guermantes: Thank you for this detailed description of an alternative. An Orthodox Jewish friend of mine wears board shorts and a rash guard and looks so cool.
VeraL: "Hiding ones flaws" when "flaws" are tied to age is ageism. Hiding one's flaws when not old: often tied to prejudices against non-conforming body size, and usually aimed at women. Of course there is a lot of money to be made from hiding flaws.
Twelve RIches: I am grateful to the blog world for allowing me to publish, and to readers for reading, and especially for commenting. All comments here have made me think.
I need to learn to sew.
And climate change means clothing that covers but is comfortable in heat may be a good idea for people of all ages. Many people in hot countries do dress thus, and it is not always or only for religious reasons.
I have the same body image problems many readers have expressed, but I also don't feel we should feel obliged to put ourselves on display at any age. I've seen too many films, music videos and other productions where the men are covered and the women nude or nearly so.
lagatta: I've never found covering in long sleeves and long pants cooling, myself. A caftan, maybe. Last summer was so hot, for so long, I said, I don't care what anyone thinks, I'm wearing sleeveless clothes in light cottons and linen. I passed a woman in a burka and wondered how she bore it at 42C and 100% humidity, but maybe she is used to it.
I grew up in South Florida and remember the pre-Vatican II nuns at the convent down the street. Dark navy, long sleeves, full-length skirts. Wimples. I sweat just thinking about it all. No wonder they were cranky (according to my friends in the neighborhood).
I do see greater acceptance re: body differences among the Millennials I know, both here in Oregon and elsewhere. But maybe that's just the ones I know?
In contrast, some of the most unforgiving women I know here in Oregon are in their late 40s and early 50s. There's a toxic anxiety that can set in, if you let it, and there are times when I can feel it rolling off of them.
Sure, I would like the age spots on my legs and face to go "poof" but I will not cover them with makeup in order to be "presentable" and consider leg makeup just...weird. But I digress.
This post (and the responses) is so interesting, and deals with an issue we all struggle with to some extent. I do think, though, that things are much easier here in Europe where there seems to be less pressure for people to hide the signs of aging.
I really miss the body that I had until my late 40s, and (now in my 60s) I so mourn the loss of pretty hands and feet! The emergence of crinkly bits on my face is also a bummer...
But I can't honestly say that any of this prevents me from dressing in a particular way, or enjoying dressing myself appropriately for occasion and weather.
I still expect to be viewed as attractive by men of my sort of age, who also have their visible signs of ageing which I am willing to be tolerant of, lol.
I strongly believe that much of our attractiveness (or otherwise) is conveyed by the way we stand, move and interact. If we feel we are somehow lesser women through the fact of looking our age, then this comes across clearly to those we interact with and affects their response.
If, by contrast, we are upright, confident and easy in our manner then people respond well and a circle of positive reinforcement ensues, making everyone feel better!
Look at any decent older character actress to see what I mean. I don't mean Helen Mirren in her bikini again, I mean someone more interesting like Celia Imrie (66).
She has visible signs of aging aplenty on face and body, but I have seen her in theatre roles where, in spite of very visible leg veins, facial lines and wobbly bits, she was electrifying as a sensual and disruptive woman. She also comes across as amazingly attractive and unselfconscious in interviews (and that wonderful voice!).
Fiona Shaw (60) has the same gift.
Perhaps, instead of spending money on surgery and uplift jeans, we should all take drama courses to give us the confidence to 'fake it 'til we make it' as women who've still got it - even if it's not quite the same as it was when we were younger!
Jane