Long, grey and mad at Mum
Commenter Susan wondered whether I'd seen the New York Times article, "Why Can't Middle Aged Women Have Long Hair?" by Dominique Browning; here it is.
Instead, she catalogs and rebuts the complaints. To the rap, "You're still living in the '70s", Browning replies, "And why not? I like being 55 going on 15." Might a teensy bit of growing up be in order here? If a woman behaves, looks or thinks like a fifteen-year-old forty years later, she might better see a therapist than a hairdresser.
When family, friends or complete strangers comment on hair, it's data, not Ultimate Truth. But also consider the saying, "If three people come to your gate with a message, pay attention."
Browning is disturbed by her mother's hatred of her long grey hair; her "worried sister" and "concerned friend" sing backup. This article could well end at para 2: "I feel great about my hair."
Instead, she catalogs and rebuts the complaints. To the rap, "You're still living in the '70s", Browning replies, "And why not? I like being 55 going on 15." Might a teensy bit of growing up be in order here? If a woman behaves, looks or thinks like a fifteen-year-old forty years later, she might better see a therapist than a hairdresser.
Get an opinion or two from expert hairstylists, someone with a fresh eye, not the person who's seen you for a decade. Then do what pleases you.
As for the belief that "it's aging": maybe in long and grey, you look fully your age or even a few years older. If you enjoy the pleasure, versatility, and aspect of your personality that your swath of grey asserts– so what?
Your hair could well not age you, either– it's the critic's own projected fear of age you're hearing (and this is my guess about what Browning endures.)
If "is it aging?" is the sole criterion for choice, we are shackled to the vain pursuit of an ever-more-distant past. Isn't liberation the point of rebellion?
Your hair could well not age you, either– it's the critic's own projected fear of age you're hearing (and this is my guess about what Browning endures.)
If "is it aging?" is the sole criterion for choice, we are shackled to the vain pursuit of an ever-more-distant past. Isn't liberation the point of rebellion?
Browning notes that most mature women didn't wear their hair long and loose generations ago, grey or not. That's true, unless you were arty-eccentric or a member of certain religions.
Somewhere past forty, you put it up in a proper chignon or perky beehive by day, or cut it shorter. But times and styles change.
Two generations ago, no respectable woman (and there's a term you don't hear anymore) would let her bra strap or slip show. My friend Jennifer's 85 year old father still maintains that open toed pumps are worn only by prostitutes. Browning's mother, at least 75, is shaped by her times.
Somewhere past forty, you put it up in a proper chignon or perky beehive by day, or cut it shorter. But times and styles change.
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| Harris' glorious grey |
Today, some women with long grey hair look like they're out on a day pass, while others toss chic, shimmery manes. Much depends on the hair's health and how the rest of the package– makeup, teeth, clothing, even posture– reads. See Emmylou, patron saint of glam, groomed greys.
She says, "My mother still makes me feel like a 15 year old" and "My mother has a lot to say about my looks"– and I sense that isn't a shower of compliments. Browning's real challenge is what's between the two of them, not what's on her head.
Comments
Her issues with her mother? My mother criticized like that and she was not an easy woman to be around. But, she died 13 years ago and I'd take all her kevtching to still have her around.
Some women see gray hair as giving up on being a sexual being. In our youth oriented society it's hard to age gracefully.
Maybe because I am one of those older women (see photo) with long gray hair, I read her rebutting of arguments with interest.
And for me, I spend LESS time and effort on my long hair (I keep it professionally cut/trimmed and conditioned) than when it was in a mid neck length style.
Nancy, if you are a boomer too, I think there has been a huge gap between the expectations our mums faced and those we fought for as girls and young women in a period of lightning social and cultural change. Imagine how Black mums reacted to their daughters who (horrors!) wore Afros! So many friends my age (same cohort as "Long, grey and mad at mum's") experienced the same torrent of constant criticism from our mothers - I think it is a function of that great shift, and hearing the same from other women means it wasn't just her - or you. Very few of us are happy about the loss or fading away of our mums; on the contrary, the loss of an opportunity to become friends as we become adults ourselve is very painful.
Grey hair as giving up on being sexual doesn't seem to apply to men though - is that because we lose our fertility suddenly, or because a head of lush silver hair is the exception in men, as most lose some first?
The short chop is definitely a refusal of sensuality though, as the "mum cut" is something many women underwent long before greying.
I do disagree with Duchesse that "55 going on 15" necessarily implies an immature person - it could imply sparkle and creativity, but of course we'd have to know how others see this person.
I also saw her comment about being 15 as talking about a certain youthful attitude instead of implying that she is indeed immature.
Some say (I read a lot of the comments to the article) that long hair is about sexual availability, while shorn hair is sending the opposite signal. I would never have thought that, but several people mentioned it.
One man who commented even said that older women with long hair are almost always interesting (LOL--he doesn't elaborate).
At any rate, the article has me closely scrutinizing every older woman with long hair that I see.
Love this: "Isn't liberation the point of rebellion?"
Your short, curly hair is gorgeous, by the way. Mine, when worn short under duress, was what always aged me prematurely...when I was very young, I looked like fifteen going on a very unhappy forty-seven.
Before I get to the point -- I always take a circuitous route -- I had to laugh when I saw your post. Three friends had forwarded the article to me.
Your take on the psychological aspects of the argument are more interesting than the hair itself. Hair is symbolic of so much angst for women it's almost terrifying. If we can't find a "do" and stick to it, we are incapable of making decisions, if we let it go gray we've realized, "it's over, what the hell, go with the flow," if we color it some crazy hue (I have a French friend who has a carroty color red choppy cut and it is who she is -- I love it).
Since our hair is so personal, so intimate, represents myriad complexes or defiant confidence why can't we just let the whole thing go. If a woman is happy with her hair, more power to her.
I agree with Pseu, just love: "Isn't liberation the point of rebellion?"
Susan: She begins and returns to her mother, what can I say- it's quite clear to me that this is her most prominent critic.
As for 15 implying sparkle and creativity, I do not associate 15 with those particular characteristics.
Her last line, "The short of it means that long hair means there is always, at least, hope" also annoys, not because of what it implies about short hair but because of its welding of viability to looks.
Pseu: I'm grateful that you (and not surprised it is you) got my major and deeply felt point.
Toby: Agree, each woman should look at herself and do as she pleases. Men, too. But OMG I dislike those little ponytails some men have; one of my friends calls "Chihuaha's dicks".
Susan: I am wondering if your reference to Browning as "an accomplished professional woman who has authored several books" is an attempt to enhance her credibility? I'm not attracted a person who aspires to "55 going on 15", despite some commenter's perceptions about the charms of mid-teens.
But as much as we may try, I think in some wee place, many of us are still 15 going on 55 or 65 or whatever, so I felt some kinship with the writer even as I thought impatiently she needed to get past trying to please or piss off her poor old mum.
Once again, you've gone for the gusto with this post and got us chatting!
Sadly, I no longer live in such a mecca of diversity, though I once did, and agree that the requirements for transgression are much more challenging. Now, I do indeed live in a midsize, Midwestern town, where most women, after a certain age, seem to cut their hair off. I am, fortunately, somewhat insulated from this conformity through my membership in the University community.
From the large number of responses to Browning's article decrying long hair on older women as a demonstration of "mutton dressed as lamb" and "desperation to hold onto their youth," it would appear either that there are a large number of Times readers in conservative small towns or that the unspoken rule against long hair on older women is surprisingly widespread. I was a bit taken aback by the harsh tone of some of these comments, myself.
I wore my hair grey and short for several years and then one day I decided I could grow it long, to heck with that rule about short hair over 40...
I felt the tide of rebellion rising and decided to throw caution to the wind.
In fact, short hair did not suit my face, as my cheeks and face are round...
I am still growing out my hair and have been having highlights and lowlights...I am currently using a flat iron and am much more content with my look...
I am sure there will come a day when I return to grey but for now it is not in the foreseeable future...
and I'll be 56 in the new year.
Nobody has mentioned it here, so I will, but men on the whole, don't like gray hair, long or not. Don't take my word for it, ask them.
Even though I find long gray hair to be incredibly chic on certain women, I'm keeping my almost waist length hair blond instead of allowing it to go gray. If for no other reason than the fact that my 59 year old gray haired beau thinks that my long blond hair is sexy. He doesn't want me to cut my hair, or let it go gray.
So assume that I don't count as liberated, because I style myself for men and not necessarily what is considered in good taste for my age.
That said, Mom may be a bit of a red herring, linguistically--remember that Dominique lives near New York. When I think of prominent journalists/writers in NYC, I think of people like Nora Ephron (70-ish and still dyeing her hair quite dark) and Barbara Walters (who knows how old and still highlighting her hair). My guess is that letting your hair go gray in that milieu is Just Not Done.
Staircase Witch: Yes, local may well affect what is judged as atypical. I recall the first time I saw a woman in grey hair and navy nail polish- the chock of something new.
nodue: I saw so many women with long grey hair yesterday at our municipal polls; I live right next to an Indo-Pakistani neighbourhood.
The long braid and the sari or salwaar kameex is to me so graceful.
hostess: And thank goodness we have he technology to experiment!
Belle: I wouldn't label a woman who "styles herself for men" unliberated. I've heard many men say they don't like gray hair and have also heard some partners of grey haired women say they love it...
Social conditioning equates grey to no longer fertile, so there is a sociobiological explanation of our behaviour.
Vivienne Westwood and Grace Coddington are both 70 next year, and still red, which comforts me, 8 years younger. Are redheads the last to give up the colour?
I'll say it again: I just wasn't bothered by the mother comments in the article. I saw them as part of a framework to hang the other parts of the article upon. (The sort of device I've used before in writing.)
Do I think the author's successful career and published books give her credibility? No, not on this particular topic, but it does show that she is far from 15 and has managed to accomplish some significant career goals in her 55 years.
If I had been writing he same article, I would not have used the mother reference. But, other than that issue, I did find myself being able to identifying with the author.
Like another poster here, I also noted the harshness of many of the commenters in the NY Times.
If you want to see a photo of her, google her by first and last name. There are plenty of images available.
By the way, I'm with my own 87 year old mother today and asked her if she thinks I am too old for long hair. She said "No, because you don't have any wrinkles. What sort of face cream do you use?"
The implication is, when the wrinkles DO come, I will THEN be too old. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Firstly, I read with interest this spring that grey hair had become fashionable, so long as you were young (http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/apr/04/grey-hair-young-fashion-trend).
Secondly I have had long hair almost all of my entire life and at EVERY age there have been people who have suggested that I should cut my hair short and people who thought it was beautiful. I found when I did try shorter styles that they were a lot of maintenance for my fine, pin straight hair, were not really compatible with my lifestyle, and were not all that attractive on me.
In college I thought I'd cut it at 30 and even had a picture of a short, breezy hairstyle I loved. I carried it around for years. Then 30 came and I said I'd cut it at 35. 35 came and went as did both 40 and 45 and I have now settled comfortably into feeling good about my hair. It is long, it is going grey and it's mine.
My mother occasionally does have the ability to jolt me with comments. She colors her hair and I think watching me slowly go grey is hard on her because if I'm grey I must be old and that means that she must be really old. She does not mean to hurt when she makes comments like, "There must be something wrong with my camera because this would be a lovely picture of you but it made you look so grey".
LPC: Thank you very much.
Alienne: I'm glad there are role models for all lengths and colours though 48 is a mere child to me :)
Anonymous @5:15: There are some women, who, when they become mothers, go positively gooey if someone says "My, you look as young as your daughter!" The most extreme can be quite competitive.
My mother was nothing like that, but she didn't like me looking "too grown up" when I was in my late teens.
It saddens me that there's still so much judgment attached to how a woman wants to wear her hair, especially when that judgment relates to desirability. (Which in turn relates to fecundity, yeesh.)
While it's true that there may be some bio-historical reasons for certain physical preferences in both sexes, surely we're at a point in our history as a species where we learn to value something other than what worked for us when we all lived in caves and life was "nasty, brutish, and short."
I have a near-70 cousin with grey medium-length hair. She has a VERY young face and body. I asked her why she didn't color her hair and she said that she would, in fact, look older. People comment on the contrast between the young face/grey hair.
I think this is true for Browning as well. I definitely think she's showing off--a whole lot of things in a whole lot of ways.
And I agree that the desirability argument is not a fair or valid one.
And yes, I also think the article was meant to provoke.
http://www.slowlovelife.com/
She has written a short piece about her article on her own blog. And, it already has comments. Perhaps someone should ask her about her preoccupation about what her mother thinks.
You could have heard a pin drop when she told a dozen women this.
Tiffany: I think that'z the best basis for choosing.
susan: From your earlier comments, I searched and realized I'd read an except from that book, and had the same reaction of distaste- something I picked up that repelled me- an incompatibility that I have no interest in promoting to others.
I don't have as much hair as I did as a young woman, but I had hair like Janis Joplin or Pam Grier (Foxy Brown), so it is still of a decent thickness. It is true that I'm absolutely terrified of losing my hair - I've never been a svelte long-legged blonde, but have had abundant healthy hair and striking eyes.
I dunno, Duchesse. We react different ways to different things. Perhaps because I've never been a mother to actual sometimes obnoxious 15-year-olds, I really took that post as an image of a kind of carefree youth carried in one's head like a treasure - although actual 15-year-olds might be anything but carefree. At least she didn't refer to her "inner teen".
I don't understand the term "selected on leeks" Can you explain.
And I totally understand about not liking an excerpt from her book. I'm not a big fan of nonfiction self help or touchy feely tomes.
Critical mothers, grouchy husbands, self-absorbed children, friends with axes to grind--most days we can shrug them off and live as we think best, but sometimes things hit us when and where we are most vulnerable. I'm grateful that I had my brief meltdown alone with a cup of tea, and not in the pages of the New York Times!
As for long gray hair, I think it's like mini-skirts on the middle-aged: a hard look to pull off, but if you can, more power to you.
Fritinancy: Thanks for the reminder of the era when short hair, not long, was modern and even-in some circles- rebellious.
Maggie: When I read comments like, "I'm not ready to cut it yet" I wonder if more women than might admit equate their long hair with youth, or at least as not-old.
Anonymous: re "like mini skirts in middle age", is a good analogy, and I realize that look is not appealing to me either. (There are some very attractive inches lower than the mini but far from dowdy.)
I DID cut my long hair when I was younger. I started a teaching career at age 31 and thought my long hair wasn't professional enough. I cut it mid neck length.
If I was teaching now, I would not cut my hair. The idea would not even occur to me.
I thought leeks might be some Canadian idiom I was not familiar with. And yes, men will almost ALWAYS choose on looks if no other information is available. I think once they know a woman, the looks are put more in perspective along with other qualities.
Of course I know that the challenge is getting the men to get to know the woman in the first place.
I also know women who only choose men by their looks. I'm glad I didn't do that in my youth. My husband was not a looker as a young man, but has grown into a handsome older man with qualities that would have been a shame to pass up.
You are my favorite blogger. I am always very interested in what you have to say.
Good luck on your move. It truly is wonderful to be near ones children.
Every several weeks (depending on weather and my piggybank) I use a deep conditioner, no one brand, currently Phytologie Phytocitrus Mask.
In dry winter, I'm addicted to Phytologie's Phyto 9, a leave in product- but ration myself, it is expensive! Does not build up and you can use it daily. Impt: Phyto 9, not Phyto 7.
To style, either Fructis Curl Sculpting Cream-Gel or for nasty humidity a product materfamilias intro'd to me, Tigi Catwalk Curls Rock Curl Amplifier which is amazing but does build up in your hair.
Main thing I've learned: apply styling product, scrunch and then leave hair alone, no fluffing, combing and certainly NO blow drying of any kind- otherwise the product seems to just lock in frizz.
Good luck and tell us how it goes.