Sex, intimacy and aging: Elders' advice

Last summer I was privileged to sit in a circle of elderly woman as they discussed sex and aging.

They ranged from early 70s to 80. Each enjoyed good to excellent health, and most were married (some to second husbands). One woman was gay. One woman had been widowed in her 40s, and was now in a new, tentative relationship.

Their advice was, "Pay attention to your love life". The majority were with partners who had health issues that made intimacy sporadic, limited or not possible. I was struck by the tenderness with which they reminisced, recalling passion and its physical and emotional gifts.

Rather like those of us in our 50s and 60s who wished we'd worn our bikini more often, they wished they'd taken more time to enjoy the pleasure and bonding of lovemaking before aging diminished desire or ability.

I asked one of the eldest if she and her husband at least cuddled. "My husband is an all-or-nothing kind of guy", she said ruefully.

I appreciated their reminder that one's intimate life is vulnerable to the challenges of aging. Like the decline of physical ability, I couldn't quite imagine losing what I had taken for granted.

"I'm glad we had those wonderful nights when the children were asleep and we would dance and dance and finally dance to the bedroom", one of the oldest said to me, "because the memory of it keeps me close to him now."

Festive in flats: What would Carla choose?

The party season approaches. I have but one pair of heels. They are wintry, but will I wear them? My heart says yes, and my feet say, "But Carla doesn't."

Huffington Post ran a piece on Carla Bruni-Sarkozy's love of flats, along with a slide show, here, which shows how she wears flat shoes and boots for even dressy functions. During a visit to England in March, 2008, photos show Dior ensembles of increasing formality, always with flats.

She is thought to have adopted them to prevent towering over her bijoux husband.

Look, his heels are higher than hers. According to various reports, Sarko is 5' 5" or 5' 6", Carla is 5' 9' or perhaps 5' 11". That's quite a gap to close, if it matters.

I'm 5' 10", and back in the day dated a few Sarko-sized guys. They either liked the attention the effect drew or agonized about it. Ray, who ended up marrying my friend Dacia, swore he was 5' 7", but was really at least an inch shorter. He was so dismayed about the platforms I wore to a party that he turned up for the next date in a gorilla suit.

Regardless of their reasons, ever more women are flashing flats with dressier outfits. But many flats look a bit sad and settled-for with party clothes. (Carla's consistently in Dior shoes.)

The bad news is that flats with fizz are costly, hard to find, or both. The good news is that they don't date as quickly as heels.

Flats that stay up late

Prada Skimmer with Rings, $550 from Neiman Marcus. I love the lines; this is a grown-up flat.

Juicy Couture Ravi Studded Ballerinas, $195, also from Neiman Marcus.

Small enough to fold in your bag when wearing winter boots to travel, with studs for attitude.

The Cole Haan Nike Air Addison Ballerinas have that divine Nike Air cushion-support, detail and texture via patent and matte leathers, and the slightest wedge to save your feet from looking like flippers. $158, from Neiman's again (also available from Zappos in chocolate). Too sporty for Carla's ballgowns, but a great looking shoe.

Mugnai's "Kaitlin" in aubergine is smart, refined and has similar air-cushioning. $425 (Canadian dollars) from Ron White. (International shipping.)

Marni's pink jacquard tweed lurex ballerinas are an intelligent alternative to the brand's vertiginous heels at the same lofty price point, $510 from Marni.

Accessoire Diffusion is one of my favourite French shoemakers; the US stores are in Vegas and NYC. Carla and I could wear our sapphire patent "Gounod" ballerinas with everything from le smoking to jeans. €220. Visit the site just to enjoy the stellar collection.


Anthropologie's "Sort of Saddle" shoes, in glittery brown fabric and patent, would add wit to a silk shirt and pants, for only $128. Anthropologies' web site has many appealing flats; problem is that the standouts sell out.

Finally, an unexpected colour kicks a flat into sharp. These Italian leather ballerinas from Sundance come in purple, red, navy, mustard, a tart apple green, and brown. $128 from Sundance; international shipping.

With flats like these, I'll probably not venture into those heels more than a time or two. And you?

Allure at 50+: A hard shop

I recently replied to graying pixie, in a recent post about hair: "Even if women don't want to look overtly sexy, most of them want to look like they might be in the game."

This was the attitude with which I went shopping last weekend.

I sought a dressy top for the round of holiday parties. The usual retailers offered missy camis way too junior for me or dowdy beaded sweaters. The few things I liked in luxury shops were stratospherically pricey or not made in my size.

On the verge of resignation, I stopped by a neighbourhood boutique that carries clothes by Montreal designer Veronique Miljkovitch.

I found my deliverance, the "Amber", a sensuous draped jersey tunic shown here in grey; mine is a glowing sapphire. With jersey palazzo pants, earrings and cocktail ring, it's ready for a party– but with jeans and boots, it will read casually cool. Le Duc's gift, lucky me!

I also loved this silk and stretch cotton "Scarlett" top, shown on the web site.

Veronique's pieces are fresh, sensuous, and discreetly but definitively sexy. And her Large is a 14, not an 8-with-no-bust.

Clothes like this are rare as a blue rose.

This is what the big-brand designers and retailers don't get: women 50+ want to look like we still have (or would consider having) a good time that involves our bodies. Think of Catherine Deneuve– we want to be womanly rather than matronly. (I do know one woman who is not interested, and deliberately dresses to telegraph that choice, in overalls.)

If I make it to eighty and beyond, and if blessed with the acuity of my mother and aunt, I will still desire clothes that offer allure. I'm grateful I found something for this season, but why is it so almighty hard?

Thinning where you least want it

Is the hair on your head as thick as it once was? Mine isn't. Where I never saw my scalp, now I know it's there.

As many as two-thirds of women experience hair loss at some point, often more pronounced as the years pass. I'm not referring to hair texture (though the diameter of each individual shaft also diminishes as we get older), but to the amount of hair on your head.

Contributing factors include hormonal changes (typically at menopause), stress, illness (including treatment such as chemotherapy) and heredity. Look to your mother, aunts and grandmothers to see what you might expect. Hair care (especially styling with heat) can damage hair by breaking it off, but does not decrease the amount of hair on your head.


What are our choices?


Drug therapies: iffy to spurious

The role of estrogen in hair growth, at least in humans, is not clear. Both oral and topical estrogens are prescribed by physicians to treat hair loss in women, although there are no controlled studies to support this use of estrogen.

The only drug approved for promoting hair growth in women is the same one men use, Minoxodil. The internet is full of hair-growth products; be as leery of these as of fat-burning pills.

See your hairdresser first

Unlike guys, we can't shave it off and look studly. Ask for a style that makes the most of your hair's density. A talented hairdresser can assess the areas of loss, as well as your face, style and preferences.

There's no one magic style, but if you have wavy or curly hair, a cut short enough to make the hair stand up from the roots will camouflage loss.

Options depend on the pattern and extent of thinning. A bob is effective unless you're thinning on top, or have superfine hair that is also thin.

Asymmetrical styles 'stack' the hair to the thickest side, so that the thinner side looks like part of a deliberate style. Choppy, shorter layers can add volume and lift around thinning areas.

A technique you learned in your teens, teasing, could re-enter your life. Backcombing adds thickness and volume, and may only be needed on sections of hair.

Stylists recommend volumizing shampoos, conditioners, mousses and gels, to make the most of the hair you do have. Thickening shampoos and conditioners plump up each individual hair strand to add overall volume and lift. (If you are red by way of colour, check with the stylist, as some volumizing shampoos open the cuticle, which causes red colour to become even more fragile than it already is.)

Avoid waxes and muds, which weigh the hair down.

The site Hair Loss Expert explains how hair colour helps thinning hair by creating an impression of fullness:

"Hair dyes thicken hair by depositing colour in the strand, which plumps the shaft. This boost in strand size helps produce thicker- looking hair that offers more complete scalp coverage.

Hair colour can also be used to give the illusion of fuller, thicker hair. Darker colours produce an illusion of having more hair, and lighter colours that better match the skin colour of the scalp help blend thinning areas in with existing hair.

Well-placed highlights produce the illusion of fullness. Having the tips of your hair highlighted will make the root colour stand out more, thus tricking the eye into seeing more depth and volume."


A little help from friends

Many stylists suggest hairpieces, especially for up-dos. If the loss is significant, an integration hairpiece can help; its honeycomb base lets you pull your own hair through to blend with the hairpiece. The best are custom made and fitted. For more about what these look like, see this detailed explanation on Hair Direct's site.

Invisible hairline or lace-front wigs or hairpieces are an innovation in the industry, and are used for both full wigs and hairpieces. According to some vendors, this type of wig or hairpiece keeps celebs like Tyra Banks and Beyonce tossing those voluminous manes. But they're not perfect, as the glue that holds the lace to the face can crack or buckle. For some revealing shots of lace gone wrong, see Hair Conspiracy Extensions' site.

Companies like Head Covers by Joni sell an update on the "fall" I wore in university days, a "headband hairpiece" that adds fullness and length. They offer hairpieces in unusual shapes, like the Perfect Blend, a halo-type piece worn on the crown, the area most prone to thinning.

Here's a before-and-after from the site, showing the Perfect Blend worn.


Weaves

Initially considered the best thing for women since the underwire bra, weaves are a slippery slope. Not all look like Oscar night 'dos; this shot shows a conservative style augmented by with subtle extensions.

I've never had one, so rely on the opinion of my friend Cathy, who calls them "the crack of the salon". Her bonded weave, applied for about $450, took nearly a full day in the chair, and the results were dramatic– the extensions were far lusher and more lustrous than her own hair. For awhile, everyone at the office was saving for weaves.

But it had to be redone every several months, and the weight of the glued-in extensions pulled on Cathy's remaining hair. She eventually decided to forgo extensions and crop it short, because repeated weaves had damaged what hair she had. Her pixie cut looks marvelous, but it's a style she never considered before her hair loss.

What to do? Boomers try to retain all the glossy markers of youth while they age, and I doubt succeeding generations will be any different. A full head of hair symbolizes health and desirability.

I'm betting that treatments, products and fill-ins will only rise in popularity, and "Does she or doesn't she?" will mean more than just colour.

Buying pearls, part two

I'm glad you're back! Did you come just for the buying tips? If so, they are at the top of the post. Shown, exceptional Australian pearls from Paspaley.

Pearl Buying Tips, Part Two

1. If traveling and you find lovely pearls, don't walk away because you don't like the clasp. Buy them and have them restrung at home. A corollary: put your bucks into the pearl, you can always upgrade the clasp. But don't think you can add pearls later to make a strand longer.

2. When traveling, do not assume the pearls you are shown are local. There are many, many Chinese pearls sold in the Philippines and Japan. "Baby South Sea" pearls are usually Chinese. When in doubt ask the concierge at a five star hotel to recommend a reputable jeweler. (Just walk in and ask, you don't have to be a guest.) With some years of experience, I will still pay the 'safety tax' to deal with a reputable, established jeweler in some parts of the world.

3. Pearls displayed on black velvet look more lustrous than they are. Examine them on white or off-white board or fabric. Shop in a white or cream top.

4. Don't buy pearls with circling. Circlé (also called ringed or banded) pearls are inferior quality pearls. There are different tastes (some people like them) but if you compare prices, you will find these at the bottom, and that should be a sign. Very faint circling is acceptable on some pearls, but I would reject obvious grooves. Rather than a strand with circles on the pearls, buy a top grade single pearl pendant or earrings.

5. If the pearls you lust for are simply too pricey in the 9.5mm and up size, buy three to seven strands of smaller-sized pearls (4mm-7mm) of the same type and make a torsade. You can wear it draped or twisted, a very smart look you don't see often. Avoid the tiny rice or seed pearls (2mm-3mm), which are dated. Buy temporarily-strung 16" strands, and add at least one extra strand than you want to end up with, to make room for the twist when those strands are strung.

So, for a five-strand torsade, figure an extra two inches per strand, and therefore, buy one more 16 inch temporarily-strung strand. Or you can buy finished strands and take them to your local jeweler to restring as a torsade. (Just don't forget the 'twist room'.) If you want a tight twist, figure another extra inch per strand.

If price is reasonable, buy 10-15% extra for discards, as there are often some inferior pearls in the strand when you buy in Asia.

6. The grading assigned by a seller is an arbitrary standard.
Unfortunately there is no uniform industry-accepted grading system. There are two widely-used systems, the AAA-A and the A-D (or Tahitian), but they may not be applied uniformly among various dealers and suppliers.

Request a written description of each grading term, so that you know exactly what the grade implies. Mostly, look at pearls and build your eye. You may love an AA strand and find the AAA looks too glassy. Many pearls offered for sale have no grade attached. This is not deceptive.

You can find a detailed description of pearl grades here.

More Value Factors: Lustre, Surface Quality, Nacre Quality, and Matching

Lustre is the intensity of light reflected from the surface of a pearl.

Look for your reflection. If it's hazy, or blurry, that's not good. But extremely lustrous pearls are not the sole criterion; the salesperson might promote lustre because that's all the pearls have going for them. Right now some jewelers are selling "mirror like" pearls. They are not to my taste. Super-lustrous pearls look too harsh to me.

Lustre also varies by pearl type; South Seas have softer, more satiny luster than Akoyas.

A beautiful pearl has levels of lustre, how the light refracts from the surface and a deeper, inner glow. Trust yourself, you will see that. And those are some pearls.


Surface quality

While the oyster is making the pearl over years, life happens, even at the bottom of the ocean. Pearls can have blemishes or irregularities on the surface. Spotless pearls, like flawless diamonds, are very costly and again, imitations are nearly always spotless spheres. I can happily live with a slight cavity in the pearl surface (called a chip or pit). Avoid patchy pearls with darker, duller or lighter areas on them.

Don't confuse poor surface quality with the bumps that are characteristic of some pearls, like Kasumis, known for irregular surfaces. (Shown, a purple/bonze kasumi pearl from eBay seller Ehret Design Gallery, $169.)

Nacre quality

A big, big factor to durability and beauty. Nacre (NAY-ker) is secreted by the oyster in layers, like multiple coats of varnish on a floor. The more layers of nacre, the more light plays through the pearl. In the last years, exposés of some major jewelers' products revealed that nacre on even very costly pearls can be perilously thin. Thin nacre results in your pearls wearing down till you have dull white beads. Unfortunately there are no surefire tests for the buyer to precisely measure nacre.

To check for nacre thickness, roll the pearl between your fingers. Thin-nacred pearls have a chalky, dull look and when you rotate them, show the bead nucleus through thin spots on the nacre. (These pearls are called blinkers.) Often a strand will have a couple of blinkers, so look at each pearl from all sides.

Pearl, interrupted

If the nacre process is interrupted, the pearl develops ringed ridges. These pearls are the circlé (circled) ringed or banded pearls mentioned in the Tips. This is not a pearl variety, it is a glitch. I do not recommend buying these. Possible exception would be a very, very faint single circle on a gorgeous Tahitian pearl.

Keshi (or keishi) pearls (shown, petal-shaped keshis) are 100% nacre, and are more lustrous than the best cultured pearls, but they will never be round or even semi-round. The are found within a cultured pearl oyster, but are formed without the bead or tissue nucleus.

CFWs generally have very thick nacre, but if they are not also lustrous, don't look good. French Polynesia sets nacre minimum requirements for its Tahitians, but South Sea pearls are not regulated for nacre thickness.

So: thick nacre + lustre + minimal blemishes = mesmerizing gem of the sea.


Matching

This term describes the uniformity of pearls. Look for a harmonious design and balanced effect. Graduated strands will be cheaper than matched strands. Intentionally mismatched pearls can be great pieces!

Sites with interesting pearls

Classic strands abound, but you don't have to buy a classic matched white strand even if it's your first purchase. If you stroll through the Passage regularly you'll know I'm a fan of these sites because they feature interesting pearls or less conventional styles.

Kojima Pearls
I'm impressed with their dedication to presenting unusual pearls. Shown, Mexican natural oyster wild pearls, $2,900. Many other very reasonably priced cultured pearls on this site.



Priceless Imperfection
Sublime designer Zara Scoville works with 'dirty' (non-white) pearls but also some tantalizing Tahitians and Kasumis, in hip designs. Shown, dirty pearls with keshis.

Perlas del Mar
Sea of Cortez pearls, Mexico's emblematic gem; very special. Shown, three-pearl Sea of Cortez ring by Juan Pacheco.

I hope these posts have increased your confidence and nurtured your enjoyment of an exquisite yet affordable gem.

Like one rose, a single pearl delights– and there are marvelous examples within reach for the price of a pair of shoes or less.

Buying pearls, part one

Several friends and bloggoddess Karen at A Certain Age have contacted me about pearl buying. Thanks for unleashing my passion, as if I need encouragement.

Today and tomorrow, two posts, organized by
1. Buying tips
2. Pearl value factors
so that, if you know about pearls, you can just read the tips, and if you'd like to know more about what makes a pearl wonderful, the value factors.

I won't include info about types of pearls here. For that, go to Pearl Guide and read the "Cultured Pearl" section; this site dives deeply into mollusk matters. Finally, fakes are fun, fine for what they are– but this post is about genuine pearls.

90% of jewelers are pearl-blind

Many jewelers know zip about pearls, and get away with it because the customer knows even less. When I took my pearl-grading courses, I found most jewelers there were indifferent to pearls; they fixated on diamonds, with their high margins and desirability. They sold pearls for wedding gowns or graduation, and only because they 'had to carry them'.

Many are contemptuous of Chinese freshwater pearls (CFW). The reason: CFWs are at least 3-4 times cheaper than saltwater pearls of comparable quality, and therefore less profitable.

Those jewelers are unaware of what the Chinese are producing. When an instructor passed around a strand of Chinese 12mm perfect round pearls with intense inner glow and mesmerizing orient, one said "Seeing these, why would anyone buy saltwaters?" "You have to wonder about that", replied the instructor as fifty jewelers gnashed their teeth.

I'm going to focus on CFWs in today's post. South Seas and Tahitians are exquisite, but deserve their own post, and Akoyas (the classic Japanese white pearl) are too conventional to raise my pulse.


Buying Tips (Part One)

1. If you are over 40, don't buy pearls under 9.5mm unless they are multistrand or mixed with other sizes or gems. They will look bitsy regardless of your size.

2. Chinese freshwater pearls (CFWs) will be the best buy. They have very thick nacre so wear and age well. But be picky as the market is flooded with poor to average material.

3. A high quality pendant, ring or pair of earrings is a better purchase than an average strand. Looking at lots of pearls is wise, but a beautiful pearl will sing to you clearly, surely, charmingly.

4. If buying pearls temporarily strung (no knots and clasp), count on the finished strand to be about 2" longer. Therefore, minimum length for an unfinished strand is 16" unless you want a tight choker or have a really slim neck.

5. Think about comfort. That 5-foot rope is fun to play with but worn all day, may be too heavy.

6. Necklaces that can be extended by hooking two strands together sound like a good idea but look ungainly, like those pants that unzip to shorts.

7. Brightly-coloured dye jobs (teal, orange, red) are like putting a tutu on a terrier. The essence of the pearl is perverted.


Pearl Value Factors: Size, Shape and Colour

The quality (and therefore price) will depend on the "7 Value Factors": size, shape, colour, lustre, surface quality, nacre quality, and matching. Today's post covers the first three factors.

1. Size

There are now more large sized CFWs due to improved farming methods, so if you received a 6mm-7mm strand for your graduation or wedding, it will look small now.
(Ideas: remodel it as a two-row bracelet; give it to a niece.)

Here's a 9.5-10.5mm white CFW necklace from Pearl Paradise; an 18" strand is $686. (Note: I have no relationship with Pearl Paradise or any other vendors whom I mention.)

They also sell a premium CFWP called "freshadama"; an 18" strand of 9-9.5mm is $1,130. But notice that the pearls are not as big. If I were shopping, I'd call the nice people in Paradise and ask to see a strand of each.

If a 9.5-10mm strand is beyond your budget, consider a Tin Cup style (pearls interspersed by chain). Shown Tahitian 10mm-11mm Tin Cup 18-inch strand, $765 from Pearl Paradise.


If size really counts

Round or near-round freshwaters are presently quite rare in sizes above 12-13mm but getting bigger by the year as the Chinese refine their methods. So if you want big 14mm-20mm honkin' mamas like Ms Clinton or Ms Pelosi, you are buying South Seas (pearls from Australia, Indonesia, and the Philippines) or Tahitians. A strand bought in North America will cost around $6,000 to a quarter million depending on size and quality.

Shown: 12.1mm-14.1mm white South Seas 18" strand from Pearl Paradise, $10,200.

Whether you're spending big money or not, consider the other pearl value factors.

2. Shape

The most expensive are perfect spheres. I prefer slightly off-round (or near-round) over these, which can look fake. I'd rather have superb colour and generous size.

Symmetrical (but not spherical) shapes: You will also see ovals, buttons or drops (pears). I like their character and they will be cheaper than perfect rounds.

Baroque means non-symmetrical, and can have little 'tails', or be squashy irregular buttons like a slightly askew bean bag chair. The multicolored strand that GF Vicky is rocking here are mammoth 22mm dyed baroques; price was $1,000 in Manila. (These are not fine pearls, just huge, fun ones; Vicky and her GF Michelle bought many strands and bargained.)

Baroque pearls look more casual and are much cheaper than rounds. The orient is often more pronounced than on rounds. Jewelers can be contemptuous of baroques, which suits them, not you.

Here's a strand of Pearl Paradise's 8.5-12.5mm CFW baroques for $250. Web site says "out of stock" but call them, as they come in and out of supply. (Yes, 8.5 is a mite small but these will be near the back and at this price, I don't mind a few smaller ones.)

3. Colour

There is a world of colour in pearls, the main thing to know is that pearl colour has three characteristics:

1. Body colour: The dominant, overall colour of the pearl; in CFWs, silver or cream

2. Overtone: One or more translucent colours that float over the body colour like a colour glaze on hair. The most typical overtones are rosé, green or blue. More than one overtone may be present, especially on Tahitians.

So the colour of a pearl equals body colour plus overtone, if overtone is present.

3. Orient: The iridescent, shimmering rainbow of colours (pink, green, yellow, orange, blue) on or just below the surface. Orient looks like oil on water, shifting with the light, and may be more intense in one area than another or present only on part of a pearl. Pearls with irregular shape are more likely to display orient. A pearl can have overtone but no orient; this is fairly common.

Many salespersons confuse overtone and orient. A pearl can also have neither overtone nor orient– that's a boring pearl, about as interesting as styrofoam, but it's what many people are used to seeing.

A fine pearl whispers, breathes and has an essence that emanates from within. And just like us, it does not have to be perfect to be beautiful.


What colour do you want?

That depends on your colouring and taste. Avoid stark white pearls with no overtone or orient. If this kind of pearl has high lustre (covered in the next Buying Pearls post) a jeweler might say, "Look, you can see your reflection!" Big deal, this will be a cold, soulless pearl.

Most CFWs undergo some type of post-harvest processing: cleaning, buffing, and bleaching to create whiter and more even colour. These standard processes need not be disclosed.


Colour: natural or dyed?

Dyeing, irradiating and coating a pearl is considered a treatment. The dye (or radiation) is usually stable. Jeremy Shepherd, owner of Paradise Pearls, has commented that he has seen some dye fading in CFWs over years; other pearl mavens have not, nor have I. But he's seen a zillion more pearls than I have or ever will. However, for a few hundred bucks' investment, I wouldn't worry.

If you are buying CFWs and the colour is gray, black or golden, they are dyed– nothing wrong with that, but the jeweler should disclose the fact. If the pearl is pink, peach, or lavender or taupe it could be natural or dyed. Sometimes dyed and natural coexist in the same strand.

Some dyed pearls are lovely; don't disqualify pearls for this reason if they speak to you.

The pearls at the top of this post are undyed baroque CFWs, called "pondslime" for the distinctive green-gold-taupe-pink uneven coloration. $150 for a 9.2mm-11mm strand from Kojima Pearl.


Misinformation jewelers (or salespeople) have told me

1. These pearls are very rare!
Do your research. Pearls are not rare because they are chocolate-coloured, or gray and white mixed strands, or "spice pearls from Thailand" or shaped like sticks, crosses or Buddhas. What they might mean is "the only ones like this we have". Or it's BS. When a jeweler specializing in pearls says "rare", listen, but do your research.

2. These pearls are natural!
Very few pearls are natural, among the rarest gems. You can buy them; see the Exotic section of Pearl Paradise's site. Their ring, set with one natural pearl, is $1,050. A matched strand would be priceless. What the young, inexperienced salesperson may mean is that the colour is natural.

3. "We can sell it to you cheaper because...!"
Maybe so. But I have been prices that are insanely inflated. Craft shows are the worst. I've seen a $325 tag on a crappy strand of 7mm dyed potato (shaped) pearls that are worth maybe $25. I don't care if the clasp is handmade, this is robbery. I've also had artisans tell me the pearls are more expensive because they are baroque.

Many artisans are informed and honest, but others put a sale before accuracy. Some women believe anything said by the person who made the piece.

Do your research first on reputable sites like Pearls of Joy, Pearl Paradise or Carolyn Ehret's eBay store, Ehret Design Gallery.
Shown, Ehret Design Japanese Kasumi pearl and spinel bead earrings, $499.

Tomorrow, more on the value factors, and on pearl buying tips.

Don't be afraid of buying pearls! Learn a little and you will glow in them.

Safe or Smokin': Party wear

Black or bordeaux evening skirt, check. White or ecru silk shirt, check. Every women has her holiday standbys, in pant or skirted version.

At a certain point, you can throw it on mindlessly. But why not splash out a bit? Spending on evening accessories might feel frivolous but they are the magic ingredients for looking more gorgeous than you ever thought possible, and doesn't that feel like a gift in itself?

Shown, Talbot's ensemble available in December. Simple, useful, but safe. When I see a woman in this bland party wear, I want to slip her an Old Fashioned and a wad of fifties, and say "celebrate yourself".

Below, a few head-turning additions for standing under mistletoe or enduring a business party. All you need is one little thing that's unique, enchanting and specifically for evening. Your posture, attitude and enjoyment of the evening will rise.


Wrap music

Etsy seller bonzie's duiponi silk wrap, $85. Based in Waterford, Ireland, bonzie makes romantic and unique items.


Tantalizing tights

Silver Gretal Lace Print Tights, Bebaroque, £45.00 from Liberty. Intricate detail in a metallic palette; these tights take a knee-length skirt from safe to seductive.


Felted jewels

Malene Birger embellished felt necklace, $265 from net-a-porter.

Don't buy another dress, buy this. A seriously well-designed yet playful piece, worth every penny.

Madly festive shoes

Nanette Leopore Peep Show Booties, $395 from Neiman Marcus.

What they will do for your LBD, your pencil skirt, crepe pants– anything that needs a new lease on party life!


A cocktail hat

A woman of 50 or more has earned the right to the hat and the cocktail. Cocktail hats work on any hairstyle, but look best with dresses. This black velour with coque feathers is only $70 from Artikal, and would make you feel like Ava Gardner.


Budget pick: Big ring and brilliant black beads

Daytime jewelry does not usually work for parties, so unless your life allows for investment in evening pieces, mix your real with costume.

Aldo "Castonguay" cocktail ring, $10 on sale.

Throw on a several Aldo "Caps" beaded chains, at $20 each. All glammed for $50.

Take a bow

Vera Wang's moonstone and crystal bracelet with silk ties, $250 from Saks Fifth Avenue.


Fling on a fab fur

Walking into a party in your practical everyday coat is like serving stale breadsticks with your best recipe. Pink chinchilla wrap from eBay seller dwachte915, BIN price, $1,950. A luscious wrap is not such an extravagance because the shorter-haired furs will last decades.

The same seller has a divine YSL-style black fox capelet with satin ribbon tie for $395; wear as a collar or off-the-shoulder stole. The simplest LBD will sparkle.

See this seller's eBay store, W Furs Wholesale to You, for other colours for both pieces. I've enjoyed amazing fur buys through eBay vendors.

After-5 bags

My particular party parsimony is the evening bag. I rely on Le Duc's pockets too often. But Aldo to the rescue again, the sleek "Stayrook" comes in silver or gold for $25.

If you're willing to spend more than I am, Carlos Falchi's python clutch, $875 from Saks is on another level, a luxurious and classic bag.

Shop now for the best selection, because many women will enter party panic mode soon. Besides, it's fun. When I step into evening wear, I always feel, in the first few seconds, like the little girl playing in my mother's finery again.