tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post1190582037509842403..comments2024-03-28T03:40:29.423-04:00Comments on Passage des Perles: Late life heartbreak: Survivors, Part TwoDuchessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09986153653120526776noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-48582279280686011312012-09-25T14:50:15.275-04:002012-09-25T14:50:15.275-04:00Anon@10:42: Sometimes people who have inaccurate i...Anon@10:42: Sometimes people who have inaccurate ideas or incomplete information about our situation can still deliver some insight, but it's always been much easier for me to hear if those points comes from a place of compassion rather that judgment. Duchessehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09986153653120526776noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-59046477345429386072012-09-25T14:01:17.621-04:002012-09-25T14:01:17.621-04:00I'm Anonymous 10:42 above. I wonder if the pe...I'm Anonymous 10:42 above. I wonder if the person who posted so unkindly re my situation is in fact the "other woman." <br /><br />You know nothing about my marriage, nothing about my husband and little about me. This is a very difficult time in our lives. I appreciate the kind words and advice from others here.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-63900762625878220522012-09-20T19:25:44.985-04:002012-09-20T19:25:44.985-04:00Christine: Most of the time, people mean well, but...Christine: Most of the time, people mean well, but, as in bereavement, they can say really gauche things. (Some of this is their own projection- at least it was when I went through it.) <br /><br />Thank you for your appreciation, they will like hearing the posts were helpful.Duchessehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09986153653120526776noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-2771101812013078402012-09-20T17:13:00.243-04:002012-09-20T17:13:00.243-04:00I am the 28 year ending marriage woman (also known...I am the 28 year ending marriage woman (also known as Christine) and I can't thank you enough, and your readers. I really have felt a new sense of hope. <br /><br />There is little information for us "older" divorcees and I have had so many pitying comments from friends and family, so this was a wonderful surprise.<br /><br />Duchesse, thank you for posting this series, and for caring about your readers.<br /><br />Christine xoAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-40622668649777742262012-09-18T19:19:25.560-04:002012-09-18T19:19:25.560-04:00Eleanorjane: What a woman! I hope that any woman i...Eleanorjane: What a woman! I hope that any woman in that age cohort who needs inspiration sees this. Duchessehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09986153653120526776noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-59655835034326604812012-09-18T16:54:26.619-04:002012-09-18T16:54:26.619-04:00Great posts.
I am so in awe of my Mum who found ...Great posts. <br /><br />I am so in awe of my Mum who found that my Dad was cheating on her with many women(for the second time - first time was 10 years earlier as far as we know...).<br /><br />Aged 60, with cancer, she built a new circle of close friends, travelled, volunteered and lived as much as she could until she passed away at 64. Such strength! It was incredibly hard but she never gave up on moving forwards and improving things.<br /><br />Cheers,<br />EleanorjaneAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-78351826137557313742012-09-17T18:45:48.284-04:002012-09-17T18:45:48.284-04:00Anon@6:13: They will read this post, but especiall...Anon@6:13: They will read this post, but especially the comments. (I spoke with two today.) Thank you for your heartfelt support.Duchessehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09986153653120526776noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-50428009072281804432012-09-17T18:13:41.549-04:002012-09-17T18:13:41.549-04:00reading your last two posts I am both sad and glad...reading your last two posts I am both sad and glad all at once ...so sad for the pain of these women and so glad that you have been kind enough to post sound advice as others have said you are a good and caring person.. I wish everyone the strength to endure and to enjoy better times...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-32600360158178963472012-09-17T07:58:39.941-04:002012-09-17T07:58:39.941-04:00emma: The journals from that period were so boring...emma: The journals from that period were so boringly repetitive, just endless pages of grief and recrimination. I didn't want them anymore.<br /><br />"Be careful who you share your situation with" is good advice. When I was still married, I spoke to a woman who I thought was my best friend. She then went after my then-husband, admittedly not a hard target. That affair was but one of many he had, but it hurt the most.<br /><br />Duchessehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09986153653120526776noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-68734321605205378062012-09-16T19:45:29.169-04:002012-09-16T19:45:29.169-04:00P.S.
As someone who has kept journals off and on s...P.S.<br />As someone who has kept journals off and on since she was 10, I am interested in why you have discontinued...emmahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08831705475681591440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-3263835040613847282012-09-16T19:43:47.184-04:002012-09-16T19:43:47.184-04:00Hi Duchesse,
I think these are very good suggestio...Hi Duchesse,<br />I think these are very good suggestions. I particularly liked the one that said there are still adventures in store for us - it may be cultivating a rich inner life & more, & better friendships, or a meaningful involvement in a cause, rather than a new relationship. But I do believe that if we want to, we will discover things about the world that will enthrall us.<br />I agree about humour - going through my separation I found myself laughing out loud - in public! over Robertson Davies' Rebel Angels. It felt so good.<br />I also swam a lot. No one can tell in the pool if you're crying!<br />And it is so important to find things to disrupt your ruminations. As you say, sometimes there is no answer for our questions. I wish I had learned that one sooner.<br />I can only add, "Be careful who you share your situation with." I was much younger and more naive - and I still remember a few zingers that were shot my way. <br />Thanks for posting this topic, and to everyone else for their thoughtful responses.emmahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08831705475681591440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-9203152548188816492012-09-16T17:45:06.196-04:002012-09-16T17:45:06.196-04:00mardel: Though they did not speak of it explicitly...mardel: Though they did not speak of it explicitly, I believe that the solitude you speak of is an important part of coping- especially if you have to go to work and 'act normal'. Each woman must choose how much solitude is healing, and also at what point it is time for some company. Duchessehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09986153653120526776noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-56676238273047203272012-09-16T15:22:45.417-04:002012-09-16T15:22:45.417-04:00Anonymous@9:39: Your health comes first, and I hop...Anonymous@9:39: Your health comes first, and I hope, though you don't say, that you are able to move about somewhat- because attending a support group for newly-separated might offer you a great deal now, as you have not been able to make friends where you are. Phone counseling is another option, so you have some strategies for dealing with your family. I wish you did not have to endure this alone.<br /><br />Classes (chess, history, Russian literature, Thai cooking, whatever) gets you out and among people. As a friend said to me, "It's no good having the only sound in your head be your own voice." (She delivered a boarder!)<br /><br />Of course there is the online world, all kinds of boards for newly-single women, but (maybe this is my age showing) I'd rather spend an hour or two in face to face interaction. <br /><br />Yes, some days are dark indeed. It may sound strange but I predict a day will come when you would not go back to the way things were, despite the pain you feel now. <br /><br /> Duchessehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09986153653120526776noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-33968081329126057062012-09-16T09:39:35.934-04:002012-09-16T09:39:35.934-04:00I was the anonymous whose 28 year marriage is endi...I was the anonymous whose 28 year marriage is ending. All of your points are great -- LPC I have ordered a great tv series and look forward to laughing through it.<br /><br />I am not in Canada, my home, and cannot afford to move home there yet. My son went off to university, I have no family here, and few friends as I have spent most of my adulthood seriously ill, part of the reason my husband left me. The days go on forever, and I am grateful my dogs are here with me, as they are of such great comfort. My family in Canada is furious with me, because of my marriage breakdown. Did I add I was very overweight?<br /><br />I don't mean to be so pitiful, just some days are so dark. My mobility is very limited but I hope to get a volunteer job somewhere. <br /><br />Maybe one of you kind women could give me a kick in the ass?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-27493596988272686532012-09-15T20:10:37.731-04:002012-09-15T20:10:37.731-04:00I agree with LPC as well, you need some way to los...I agree with LPC as well, you need some way to lose yourself to survive the hours when you are home alone. They cannot be avoided, and the soul needs some time to heal behind the scenes. Otherwise I think these are fabulous posts.Mardelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04850551308931710502noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-71745784924382567952012-09-15T09:07:05.370-04:002012-09-15T09:07:05.370-04:00Anon@8:01: When partners anticipate the end of li...Anon@8:01: When partners anticipate the end of life, whether on a far or near shore, it changes how they view their relationship... perhaps the subject of another post.<br /><br />I too read a lot, and kept journals, which I only recently, three decades later, discarded.Duchessehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09986153653120526776noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-14310860661513943352012-09-15T08:01:04.732-04:002012-09-15T08:01:04.732-04:00Dear Duchesse
I endorse your advice. I do agree w...Dear Duchesse<br /><br />I endorse your advice. I do agree with LPC about finding something to make the time pass. In my case <br />(first divorce)it was books - reading- and my wonderful friends. (How did they put up with me?)<br /><br />Now I am older (think mid 60s) I am so damn grateful to be alive that I wouldn't have the energy to think about disbanding my marriage. <br /><br />Besides, my husband is on palliative care which concentrates the mind wonderfully. We are not perfect and there are lots of disagreements, but we have had to work out the important stuff. <br /><br />I do think it is very hard to start again over 50 /60 and my heart goes out to anybody in this situation. Your advice is well thought out and practical. What a good friend you are Duchesse.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-44450845157249082232012-09-14T13:09:57.939-04:002012-09-14T13:09:57.939-04:00Anon@10:43: It's so easy to judge, isn't i...Anon@10:43: It's so easy to judge, isn't it? One can assume all kinds of things about people one does not know, without having to take any accountability for what one writes by posting anonymously, without any e-mail address so the person accused could respond privately, if she wished.<br /><br />In these circumstances, I too would question a man who wants to stay, and will make an assumption of my own, that Anon @ 10;42 thinks about the wisdom of trying just about every hour of every day. But perhaps she will respond to you herself. <br /><br />In the meantime, I feel more compassion for her, as the situation is likely more complex than we know, and I've seen couples repair serious situations such as this. <br /><br />And I agree, fear is not a good motivator- whether in a marriage, parent-child relationship, work setting, etc.<br />Duchessehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09986153653120526776noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-36364290895308753612012-09-14T10:43:09.642-04:002012-09-14T10:43:09.642-04:00Anonymous 10:36 right-o your husband of 45 years w...Anonymous 10:36 right-o your husband of 45 years was cheating on you for 25 of them and you were clueless?? and now you are sitting there holding the big stick of financial ruin over him running off to the lawyer and all that good stuff. You seem very proud of yourself for winning the prize - a milquetoast of a man who doesn't love you, but is afraid of change this late in the game. I have no clue why anybody would want to "save" such a marriage. <br /><br />What you have ain't a marriage it's a financial arrangement, there is nothing to work on and nothing to save. He is afraid of you, that's all, and I actually doubt he has given up the other woman; it's just a lot harder now that you keep him under 24-7 surveillance but guess what that makes it all the more exciting. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-59315987039432922422012-09-13T19:32:36.147-04:002012-09-13T19:32:36.147-04:00lagatta: I meant to write "Legal aid is avail...lagatta: I meant to write "Legal aid is available (to persons who cannot afford a lawyer) but it is not unlimited."<br /><br />Duchessehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09986153653120526776noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-49308964017799069362012-09-13T19:31:23.618-04:002012-09-13T19:31:23.618-04:00lagatta: Except for "Seek legal advice immedi...lagatta: Except for "Seek legal advice immediately", the five points of Part One are possible for women with limited material resources.(Legal aid is available but it is not limited.) <br /><br />Only one of these women does not have to worry about money- and the rest are concerned about every dollar. Duchessehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09986153653120526776noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-69359450252433000582012-09-13T18:53:32.311-04:002012-09-13T18:53:32.311-04:00Dear Duchesse,
While I greatly appreciated both ...Dear Duchesse, <br /><br />While I greatly appreciated both parts of this subject, I preferred the second part as it recognized that many more of us than one would like to think don't have the material resources for the wise advice in the first part. <br /><br />Whatshisname quite a few years ago (I was not a young thing, but many years under 50) also left me destitute - he was a very traumatized refugee claimant (this is true and documented, not just some story he told me and other friends). But as a result, very manipulative and unconcerned about the impact of his actions. <br /><br />And I've worked in community associations where it was essential to find resources so misused women could find help. and help themselves. <br /><br />No, not done living at any age, but we must remember that in patriarchal society, the odds are against women of a certain age as there is also the factor of men going after much younger women. <br /><br />Here, of course, I'm talking about heterosexual women, but lesbians - and gay men - have other problems due to discrimination and simply being a minority. <br /><br />I've always been involved in community associations. Whether loved or unloved, it is important not to stay in a bubble, and to interact with and help - and be helped - by a broader community.lagatta à montréalhttp://www.montrealcyclechic.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-8101234318610443792012-09-13T16:48:47.134-04:002012-09-13T16:48:47.134-04:00LPC: Thanks! No one mentioned that and I can see h...LPC: Thanks! No one mentioned that and I can see how some absorbing escape could do a world of good, release the endless dialog in one's head.<br /><br />Victoria: Beautifully put. I was youger when this happened to me but it took me back. I found I had to grieve not just in the moment but through each season, with its specific dates and memories.<br /><br />Susan: It is my friends who were good enough to be so open and honest.<br /><br />Anonymous; You have a mighty task ahead, which I hopes brings healing to you both. I wish you strength and you already sound in possession of that.<br /><br />hostess: That was true for me- helping others lifts you out of your own pain, if only for a time. I also immersed myself in jazz ballet classes, figuring the barre was healthier than the bar. But that was 30 years ago; now, it would have to be yoga.<br /><br />Chicatanyage: Any or all of these most intriguing turns of life are available. Each of the great things that happened for you seems to me to have take a combination of risk, courage and luck. Your testimony will add to what I've been saying: you aren't done living by a long stretch.<br /><br />Susan: I took hostess' point as, getting out there is good. Too much endless self-analysis, asking questions for which there are sometimes no answers, can lead to a very bleak place, even depression. <br /><br />At the same time, your point is valid too. Someone said to me (30+ years ago), "Aren't you over it *yet*?" at more or less three months. Just because a woman can show up and do her job well (or volunteer) does not mean she is not utterly wrecked inside.Duchessehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09986153653120526776noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-66501147682538031892012-09-13T16:28:34.642-04:002012-09-13T16:28:34.642-04:00With all due respect to Hostess of the humble bung...With all due respect to Hostess of the humble bungelow---Yes, there is a perspective to be gained, but there is also real devastation to do deal with. Susanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12756033682201519150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-10285204283111187762012-09-13T14:40:31.004-04:002012-09-13T14:40:31.004-04:00Gather up the girlfriends -
to walk together, have...Gather up the girlfriends -<br />to walk together, have lunch,<br />play bridge, ride horses ,,,<br />maybe even talk about it a<br />little ..Gaylenoreply@blogger.com