The dark side of "Demure"
A trend of both dress and deportment, "Very Demure" is having its day, dressed in a ditsy floral. It's a thing with young women, as if they had just discovered Miss Manners.
"Demure" has been resurrected to embrace a culture of ladylike, conservative, groomed appearance, and deportment that my mother, born in 1909, would value. "Mindful", "considerate", "cutesy" and "sweet" are favoured terms. Demure women speak in a pleasant tone, say pleasant things, write pleasant thank you notes (on paper). If a demure woman swears, she says, "Oh my goodness!"
Demure women run on time, never take the biggest cookie, and actually look forward to baby showers. They tip generously, tidy their desks daily, wish everyone a good day before stepping off an elevator—and mean it.
Demure is the anti-badass. Merriam Webster defines "demure" as "affectedly modest, reserved or serious; shy". The Tik-Tok personality who has earned a reputation as its prime champion twins "very demure" with "very mindful"; I imagine a woman in Laura Ashley sitting zazen.
A demure approach can feel like a balm, and even seems mildly transgressive given the current dearth of civility. When snarled at by someone who wants her to finish loading her trunk and vacate her parking spot, the demure woman says, "Sorry! Just a little minute!", with a lilt.
I cherish civility, but at the same time the demure ethos suggests that women present themselves as sweet, deferent and rigorously co-ordinated. The red-flag word in the Merriam-Webster definition is "affectedly". Demure is a pose, and posing creates a false persona. Its foundation is artifice, not authenticity. (Are you demure? Take a quiz.)
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| Photo: Rihoas |
The clothes: neutral, simple, modest; soft tailoring, muted colours, high coverage. OK, fine, but demure-dressers who tell women to "not wear bright colours to work" sound repressive. A great deal of the "very demure, very mindful" examples simply show someone dressed as women did in the preceding generations when the advice was, "If you can see up it, down it, or through it, don't wear it to the office."
The Canadian journalist Penney Kome once said, "If you have no power, you had better be very nice or very silent." The demure trend stokes both options. If power is "the ability to act or produce an effect" (source: Merriam-Webster), demure depresses personal power by avoidance of controversy or protest. Behind its performative politeness is a prizing of passivity.
Watch out, young women! If you have a naturally gentle, gracious demeanour, respect that, but don't be artificially sweet—that's for diet yogurt.
"Very Demure" comes with an insidious cultural message. Though those who would remove your rights will praise you for "being a good girl", being unstintingly good abrogates responsibility—you put your keys in somebody else's pocket. You can articulate your perspective while respecting others'; there's a big, wide space between "demure" and "termagant".
Keep a fire within free, for when you need courage and power. Your heart brims with contradictions, dilemmas and hopes, and those hopes will not be realized if you cannot at times summon your badass side, too.
Comments
For many, "Very Demure, Very Mindful" is about being intentional with how they navigate the world—not out of passivity, but with a sense of inner peace and purpose. It encourages women to be mindful of their actions and interactions without sacrificing their authenticity or strength.
Rather than repressing individuality, the trend empowers women to engage with the world on their own terms, whether that means embracing traditional femininity, bold self-expression, or anything in between. It’s less about being "sweet" or "polite" and more about staying centered in a world that often demands constant performance.
I understand your concerns about the traditional implications of demureness, but I believe this modern iteration is a fresh take that embraces empowerment and self-assurance, rather than submission.
This 67-year-old would like to thank you for your thought-provoking article. I hope my perspective adds to the conversation.
that part of this trend. What I don’t support are the enjoinments to be “sweet”. I am a decade older than you; as a second-wave feminist, I wore a t-shirt that said “Uppity Woman”. We made some progress for sure but never fully redefined the adjective.
Well the demure contingent have arrived on IG. It’s so bizarre the word ‘demure’ is used inappropriately as in this stunner’ my dog’s death was demure’!! I don’t think the poster was being ironic just jumping on the ignorance is bliss band wagon. No where that I’ve seen does anyone use the term ‘ Very demure, very mindful’ As usual the masses have gotten wind of a new trend and are running with it until its demise. They don’t give a fig about ideology or deeper meaning, heck they don’t even care to look up the word’s meaning in the dictionary to understand that death is not demure:(
Ugh I ( briefly but it was the longest briefly) had a GenX manager the slung the term ‘mindful’ around like a verbal weapon. After one meeting where a colleague was demurely dressed down and requested to be more mindful of the effect her actions had on others…we all agreed we had had enough of Ms. Mindful who, interestingly, very demurely parted ways with our employer leaving a tsunami of grievances in her wake. Haha.Very demure, very mindful is code for very Passive Agressive… Beware. Our next manager was a delightfully demure badass, more thoughtful than mindful.
KH: Is there a male equivalent? Could it be "gentlemanly?" "Chivalrous"? or yet to be invented?
Allison: You can find many "very demure-very mindful" usages if you look, but that might be a waste of electrons. There is an emphasis on behaving with consideration for others, what preceding generations would call good manners. Don't get me started on the mass appropriation of "mindful" and its attachment to everything from the wearing of hair accessories to posture.
Jane in London: I like the notion of a "linguistic corset". As an outspoken, even blunt person who has done some damage by not curbing my tongue, I think I could use a linguistic underwire, but I would never go near a corset.
Venasque: I understand "groomed", as I can observe it, but "ladylike" is, IME, more variable, depending on times, cultural norms and even familial habits. I'm going to guess many women in the Passage have done something they considered just fine and were surprised to be told by someone, "That's not ladylike". (Or is it just me?) I too would like to hear more from the young who said, "No more niceness...". There's a story behind that.