The new "guest room"/Summer closure
As summer sashays in, so do visitors. We are excited to see our friends and family, though how we host has slowly changed in the twelve years we've lived in Montréal. Several friends, also in the Passage, concur.
When we met for coffee after her houseguest Serena had departed, Linda was low. She had crammed the must-sees into four days, walked so many kilometres that her back had buckled, cooked (or found restaurants who could meet Serena's requirements), and finally, accompanied Serena to the train station.
Rolling in like a heavy wave set were three more visitors in the next few weeks, a couple and two singles. "I should be looking forward to them and I'm not!", she said. We realized that for the next three months, we share the same goal: to enthusiastically welcome friends and family, and part wanting to see them again. There has to be a better way than Linda's recent experience.
We sorted visitors in three categories:
1. Orchids: Stay in your home, need continual tending; can be finicky.
2. Peonies: Stay elsewhere, but enjoy being shown the sights. More flexible than the Orchid; will withstand rainy days and can spend some time on their own.
3. Impatiens: Stay elsewhere; low-maintenance; hardy and cheery, up for pretty much anything.
Linda, who has a guest room, is sorry she does. I have none, which restricts me to the other two categories. I suggested we redefine "guest room" as the permission to make room—a spacious, flexible modus vivendi—that extends beyond bed and board.
That requires a frank assessment of one's willingness to guide (especially to attractions the host has visited multiple times), how meals will be handled, and the pace. Then we have to tell them.
Linda has arthritis flares, but did not want to admit to seventy-three year old Serena, a yoga teacher with an Olympian's constitution, that a brisk hike up Mt. Royal would be torturous. She discovered that, far from being interested in Montréal's vibrant restaurant scene, her Orchid guest wanted to eat at home, and required organic-vegetarian dishes that were lactose, gluten and sugar-free. Linda, an expert in pizza and Chinese food delivery, scrambled to devise meals, and found cooking, serving and cleanup exhausting.
Full disclosure from me, too: sometimes my guide eyes are bigger than my guide stomach. I'll eagerly say yes to a nonstop day of zipping around, but then need a quieter day following that—a relaxing film or drift through a market. "Who needs lunch?", a Peony guest chirped, skipping from one boutique to another; I do.
 |
| "Goliath" at La Ronde |
I said to Linda, "We should set the boundaries before they book their ticket. I'll help visitors to do what they like, but never again the roller coaster at La Ronde or a virtual reality installation at PHI Centre. (The gear makes me claustrophobic.) I would like some time to myself to deal with other business—or take a shower.
Our friend Julie has but one criterion: that the visitor is curious. She's flummoxed when guests say they want to do "whatever you're doing". Julie says, "Really? Buy groceries and then stop at Home Depot for a new toilet brush?" She's game for a jet boat ride or historic home tour, she just wants them to be interested in something.
Life in the Passage puts a spin on what is "a good time". Years ago, wherever I lived, friends would hit town and, in the immortal words of the Ramones, it was "one two three/let's go" until our money or feet gave out. Now, I'm past standing in a packed club for an entire evening, nor will I line up for a restaurant.
 |
| Vices et Versa, rue St-Laurent |
The patio at Vices et Versa, late afternoon, where we can easily catch up over a glass of beer or lemonade, that's my speed now.
But then I tell myself, Make an effort! Visitors' enthusiasms have lead me to new corners: sighting rare wildflowers in a tucked-away nature preserve, sampling new cuisines, going to an experimental-music performance, attending a Mass in Italian. I have meditated my way through extra-inning baseball games; I don't think they could tell.
Linda and I share the same simple wish: to make happy memories, while at the same time not run ourselves ragged. Let you know in September how we did!
If you have guest-guiding tips, do share!
Summer Closure
This is the last post until Tuesday, September 12. The wave of visitors will still be in swing, but I want to see you, too, so I'll post again then. During the summer, comments are disabled.
I wish you happy reunions and visits of your own, ice cream, parades, outdoor concerts, sunsets and birdsong: savour all the joys.
Thank you for visiting the Passage all year long, and come back any time!
ICYMI: How to Get the Passage Posts
Readers still say, "I'm not getting your blog anymore in my email." Google discontinued that feature several years ago. To have PdesP delivered, use an app— Feedly or NewsBlur—that automatically delivers posts from the blogs (and newsletters) you choose to your app. They won't bomb you with ads, and if you read a post you want to save, you can archive it easily.
I'm not using a marketing app like MailChimp to send PdesP to your email; that involves collecting your e-mail addresses, a dent to your privacy and my time.
Another option is to bookmark PdesP and drop by whenever you wish. However you get here, thank you! Your company here is such a pleasure to me.
Comments
Have a great, restful summer.
I'm with Venasque...much prefer my own space, doing my own thing and meeting with friends for dinner or special events.
1. Happily eat whatever is put in front of them (unless there is a bona fide medical reason why they cannot, in which case they should provide this information well in advance);
2. If they expect their host to show them around, do proper research before their visit to identify a number of things in the area that they would like to do or see, so that there is a decent selection for their host to choose from; and
3. Pay for dinner out on the last evening of their stay.
I am happy to have guests to stay, though I tend to subscribe to the old adage that "Guests are like fish..."
I'm much less happy to do the tour guide thing, but luckily most people who stay enjoy taking themselves around to stuff like museums, palaces, etc on their own and I just arrange nice drinks and meals for the evenings.
Have a lovely summer, with lots of good times to store in the memory bank. See you in the Autumn!
LauraH: In a way Linda's guest was a gift because her behaviour solidified Linda's boundaries. She will not be accommodated there again.
Jane in London: It's a whole other topic but in North America many persons feel entirely entitled to invoke their dietary "requirement" even if there are not bona fide medical reasons. Or offer vague assertions like "I just feel better when I eat that way." As a person who grew up taught to eat whatever one was served, and say thank you, I find the guest dictating what to serve (save genuine allergies or cultural requirements) appalling, and I have the pearls to clutch.
Regarding #2, No matter if they have done their research, I am not going to a big, tourist-jammed attraction for the 20th time, done it way too many times to enjoy it.
Boundaries really are the key--and that requires being completely honest with ourselves about how they may have changed through the years. Once upon a time, I was completely happy with having friends stay in our small San Francisco apartment, and we packed 'em in. No more.
Of course, it can get tricky, and we can stumble over our previous experiences and our current expectations, as I've learned the last 10 years or so. Some guests (such as my oldest niece, her husband, and their 2 college-age sons) are beyond easy. Others (an old friend) are nigh on impossible.
With regard to the latter, that friendship was completely killed off thanks to her visit two years ago. She transgressed so completely and wore me out so thoroughly that I pray to God I never have to see her again. (So take care, visitors! I'm here to tell you that even a fairly patient soul can say "That's it; I'm done.")
Re: “special diets” the few folks I know who medically need special diets usually bring their own or arrange eating to accommodate their needs. I’m very tired of the on again off again dietary “needs” especially when talked about at every meal.
Have a lovely break and looking forward to new discussions in the fall.
A story involving an older relative with a summer house. An intense friendship was developed on a cruise (fairly typical, I imagine). New friend asked about a visit. Relative giddy with excitement. New friend called again and said that she would be coming without husband. Relative still excited. New friend called again and mentioned that she was bringing a dog. Relative getting a bit nervous. New friend called and mentioned that she had surgery on her foot. Her husband would drop her off, but she couldn't drive. Relative asked my advice and I said that the new friend seemed like a well-practiced professional guest/mooch. Relative cancelled!
Everyone should read Portrait of a Lady by Henry James. Madame Merle is a professional guest and much else!
By the way, we almost came to Montreal this summer, but could not find lodging. We are going to Paris instead, but hope for Montreal soon. We are trying to escape from the heat. Last time we were in Paris (2019), we experienced the dread canicule.
And thank you Tom for mentioning Madame Merle, who's right up there with Lydia Gwilt in my list of compellingly dark fictional women!
mimi: One day in the course of a week's visit to themselves is not only reasonable, it would be necessary, for me. I return your kind invitation if you ever visit my island!
Tom: The "professional guest" is the character of many a comedy and a few horror films. The Mtl stock of short-term rentals is currently low due the city's crackdown on unlicensed listings after this winter's fire that killed 6 persons staying in unlicensed Air BnB rentals in a building that lacked safety features. Licensed rentals can be found if you book early enough.
Save us all from a Mme Merle!
The boundaries are now clear..all visits by invitation only, guests must find their way here and back, do not expect us to ferry around unless there is a contribution for gas ( it’s $$ here), please cook or help with meal preparation. If we go out guest pays or we all cover our own bills. Bring or contribute groceries. Visits are limited to four nights ( only exception is our kids and grandchildren) if wanting to stay longer guests are welcome to rent the property at market value which is 2,000+/week. We rent it in the summer so we know its value. No pets, no smokers. No visitors during opening or closing time. We have learned the hard way. Oh I didn’t mention that we had to kennel our dog to the tune of 350.00 because there wouldn’t be room for him in the ‘baggage car’ more fool us!!
Duchesse have a lovely summer, enjoy your guests, enjoy my favourite city where we plan on visiting this summer. I will be summering in Canada’s Capital so will probably host some guests here and there..or maybe not. All the people I love live nearby.
If in Mtl and you have time, come to Little Italy and say hello.
I think that part of living in society is evolving some shared guidelines. An up to date etiquette guide for tactful behaviour would be a wonderful shared project. Kindness and generosity, such as you provide in this space, are always the foundation. Have a wonderful summer.
Anon@9:19: That late-arriving guest is a prime example of how not to act. The midnight appearance may have been beyond his control, but not the self-absorbed broadcasting. Perhaps his social skills eroded? My mother said that a good houseguest leaves the hosts feeling happier than before one's arrival, and if you could not muster that, just visit for the afternoon, then be on your way.
I don't mind going to places together, but not willing to spend my entire day.
Since I go back to my hometown, my friends meet me for lunch for 2 hours and it is the rest of it, except for my best friend, where we could meet 2-3 times a week, since I only visit once every few years.
Since my food allergies is an issue, I bring food with me.