New-school parents
His father and mother are a different sort of parents than we were, circa 1990. Finally, I have read a good description of how parenting has changed as dramatically as phones. A New York Times article, "The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting" by Claire Cain Miller lit many tiny nursery lights.
His mother had her first evening class last week. Our son picked up the little boy from daycare, and when they got home, discovered that she had left a surprise for Émile, a carefully-designed treasure hunt. The snapper ran about, happily following the hand-drawn visual clues to the grand finale, a treasure chest loaded with plastic "jewels".
As I said to our son, his Papa's and my idea of a treasure hunt was to take them to Swiss Chalet for a kid's menu dinner and a Shirley Temple. When the cheque came, the waitresses brought a treasure chest and invited them to pick a toy. He and his brother say they have happy memories of those dinners, which shows you our family's idea of a high point.
From the day of his birth, she has been an extraordinary mother, devoted, patient and skilled—and does that while a full-time, straight-A grad student. Le Duc and I reflect on our style, and hope there's a statute of limitations for child endangerment, given the lightly-supervised play we permitted at age three. (The ego-salving term for our more, uh, casual style is "free-range parenting". The State of Utah just passed a law affirming behaviours we always thought were permissible.)
At our house, if somebody cried in his junior bed, the other guy was going to start too, so we had a deep interest in fostering self-soothing. Oh, our twins got a full, snuggly routine: story, hugs and a lights-out song—but no one came back for a re-do. There was no family bed, except for the cat.
Another huge difference is toys: Émile got a fully-loaded, freestanding puppet theatre when he turned two; our kids were at least five by the time we found one at a garage sale. His parents engage him in science experiments, complete with goggles, beakers and fizzy compounds; our version: "Squirt in the soap and help Papa do the dishes".The Times article says that anxiety about equipping children for a more competitive world is the driver of this hands-on, intensive model. I've never heard my son or daughter-in-law express that fear; their purpose seems to be stimulation of the little binker's burgeoning senses.
Some of that is supported, judiciously, by technology. He could perform iPad basics by two; our sons got a desktop computer with no Internet connection at seven. In fact, they had to move out to get the Internet.
Grandson has been to the Museum of Contemporary Art more times than I have, never mind Spain and Mexico! We too believed in exposing our toddlers to culture. For nine years, two sisters babysat nearly every Saturday late afternoon through early evening, and introduced them to wonders like Britney Spears, black nail polish and Burger King. Preschool travel was limited to a three-hour drive from home, a short enough car ride to maintain peace. Our logic was, "away is away".
Émile is part of a considerable cohort who receive this "child-centred, expert-guided and emotionally-absorbing" parenting. This is a worthy endeavour; the world needs more smart, well-adjusted women and men equipped to tackle a boggling array of complex problems, some predictable, others bound to be surprises—and probably not good ones.
Because the paramount principle is heightened attachment between parent and child, that modern style could create stronger inter-generational bonds both inside and outside the family.Perhaps his generation—known as Gen Alpha—won't squawk about having to take care of their elders, the way some members of the preceding generations do now.
I've also noticed how warm he is with other kids, open and agreeable. (We felt proud if our sons didn't bite anybody.)
And yet, some things seem eternal. When asked what he would like for Christmas, Émile said, "Candy".
Comments
They themselves expected their daughter, it's always the daughter, to let them age in place. She was supposed to move from New York state back to Ontario, leave her husband, quit her job, and be happy to do so. My parents left both their mothers to fend for themselves in Europe. So did all their friends.
If anything, a parent should never expect this from a child. It's selfish to do that. The previous generations certainly didn't. It's actually only the boomer parents who started this expectation and trend and it's certainly not something they did for their own parents and grandparents.
Enjoy the cuddles!
VeraL: I should have been clearer. I was thinking of some of my generation (Boomer) who complain, either mildly or with more intensity about having to attend to their parents. (We were known as the "Me Generation", aren't we?)
I was surprised to hear of the CA study citing boomers as "being the first gen to do massive amounts of caregiving", because in my Midwestern US childhood, grandparents either lived on their own and often got practical care with the house from their adult children, or lived with their children. A few were in nursing homes, but the majority had a great deal of family or community interaction. Assisted living facilities did not exist. This is anecdotal, I realize.
Elder care can be underpinned by a number of attitudes and values. This high-attachment parenting aims to create a very close bond. I hope I'm around to see how it affects intergenerational relationships.
Mme Là-bas: I could write a lot more about this, as one of my younger acquaintances is also a high-attachment style parent and is taking an online seminar on how to respond to her pre-school child's developing awareness of race. They are using the new technology to prepare themselves and their children with the hope of building a more collaborative community.
So even low income families have certain supports that I do not believe are extended by law in the US.
Still, families can struggle here and may not have means for adequate food and shelter; we have poverty and its attendant issues. We could do much more, and should not be complacent. (I was born and grew up in the US.)