Uneven aging: On the road
When couples or friends travel, uneven aging shows up like a souvenir seller on a beach: an unwelcome intrusion you'll face at some point.
Sometimes the afflicted person, longing for adventure, stimulation—or just her money's worth—signs on for more activity than she can handle. Other times, a companion plans an ambitious trip without considering the demands on stamina. When the less-fit of the pair (or group) hears the itinerary, she may not speak about her health issues, fearing she'd dampen the fun.
Rachel and her husband cruised to Spain, where they rented a car and drove to Italy and France. What should have been a long-awaited five-week celebration of Noah's retirement turned into misery before the first border was crossed. "Very suddenly, I saw that Noah could not cope with the land part", she said. "I had to do all the driving, which exhausted me. He became extremely anxious; I've never seen him so agitated. Every day, he wanted to know where would we eat. I had booked the hotels, but not restaurants. He kept asking, 'How far do I have to walk?' He wouldn't even carry a bag."
By the time they flew home from Nice, she was drained and resentful. Once back, she regained her compassion. Home life had disguised the extent of Noah's debilitating condition; he could not be open about something even he did not fully realize.
Their next trip, two years later, was cruise only, removing the sources of stress for both. She missed their footloose flexibility, but Noah was a happy man once he could sleep in the same bed every night and get eggs over easy with turkey bacon for breakfast. Rachel, freed from trying to find acceptable restaurants in strange towns, was a blissful ship spa client.
That's a solution out of many travellers' budgets, but the principle is sound: better to travel less often, and spend on supports such as a private room, more cabs, the rental of assistive devices, or booking a personal tour guide.
There is a psychological side to travel, too. "Uneven aging" means one person is in better shape than the other, and for the less-fit person, that can be embarrassing. Her ego will roar like a wounded lion.
The description of the yoga tour I took to India in my late 50s said classes would be offered for all levels, but everyone else was an advanced yogini and craved challenge, so the teacher went with that. I was full of self-recrimination until I realized that it was not my fault. I told the teacher I'd do what I could, and spent some time during each four-hour class just resting on my mat. Some days, I cut class to walk the beach and enjoy a Kingfisher with lunch—yes!
But I was lucky; the women on the tour were warm and made no judgment about my limitations. Besides, when we went to the night markets, they depended on me to find the best jewellery. My bruised ego was salved by their gratitude.
Marcelle had no such advantage on an archaeological tour to Turkey. She had long been a confident solo traveller, but on this tour, she thought she'd die of heatstroke trying to keep up. She could either stumble along, sweaty and miserable, or sit alone on a broiling bus; the AC was turned off while the others hiked the ruins. She knew no one else, and the group wasn't friendly. The tour leader curtly pointed out that the trip brochure said there would be extensive walking. "They were kind of like, 'What are you doing here?'", she said.
She threw in the Turkish towel after four sweltering days, and hired a driver to take her ahead to the last stop for a three-night stay in a charming boutique hotel. Though she paid quite a bit for that respite, it turned out to be the high point of the trip. She sent a photo of her dinner on the terrace and said, "Now I know the Turkey that suits me."
A traveller with health issues will need a backup plan should the original itinerary prove unworkable. The abler partner has to keep an eye out; even on an 'easy' trip, the less-vital partner may be dazzled by all on offer, and push too hard.
Another friend, C., will take a family trip to Sedona this winter. His preparation includes a 12-week strength, balance and mobility course at his local hospital. For those without local resources, a number of books and video programs are available on Amazon, from mat to water-based approaches. (Another plug here for the iBook "How to Watch TV and Get Fit", which builds strength at home in efficient three-minute sets.)
A list of tour companies which cater to varying levels of ability is here. Before selecting a tour (or planning a self-led trip), each person should speak openly about the realities of stamina and mobility but also about details such as the requirement for an elevator or the need for a regular nap. Then, choose what's realistic—never mind that you don't see every monument. You might also decide to scale the trip to meet those needs: a shorter flight or crossing fewer time zones can make or break the less-fit partner's experience.
As Rachel found, you have live with your partner or friend long after you've unpacked. "I plan for him to be comfortable on the trip", she said, "and that makes all the difference back home."
Sometimes the afflicted person, longing for adventure, stimulation—or just her money's worth—signs on for more activity than she can handle. Other times, a companion plans an ambitious trip without considering the demands on stamina. When the less-fit of the pair (or group) hears the itinerary, she may not speak about her health issues, fearing she'd dampen the fun.
Rachel and her husband cruised to Spain, where they rented a car and drove to Italy and France. What should have been a long-awaited five-week celebration of Noah's retirement turned into misery before the first border was crossed. "Very suddenly, I saw that Noah could not cope with the land part", she said. "I had to do all the driving, which exhausted me. He became extremely anxious; I've never seen him so agitated. Every day, he wanted to know where would we eat. I had booked the hotels, but not restaurants. He kept asking, 'How far do I have to walk?' He wouldn't even carry a bag."
By the time they flew home from Nice, she was drained and resentful. Once back, she regained her compassion. Home life had disguised the extent of Noah's debilitating condition; he could not be open about something even he did not fully realize.
Their next trip, two years later, was cruise only, removing the sources of stress for both. She missed their footloose flexibility, but Noah was a happy man once he could sleep in the same bed every night and get eggs over easy with turkey bacon for breakfast. Rachel, freed from trying to find acceptable restaurants in strange towns, was a blissful ship spa client.
That's a solution out of many travellers' budgets, but the principle is sound: better to travel less often, and spend on supports such as a private room, more cabs, the rental of assistive devices, or booking a personal tour guide.
There is a psychological side to travel, too. "Uneven aging" means one person is in better shape than the other, and for the less-fit person, that can be embarrassing. Her ego will roar like a wounded lion.
The description of the yoga tour I took to India in my late 50s said classes would be offered for all levels, but everyone else was an advanced yogini and craved challenge, so the teacher went with that. I was full of self-recrimination until I realized that it was not my fault. I told the teacher I'd do what I could, and spent some time during each four-hour class just resting on my mat. Some days, I cut class to walk the beach and enjoy a Kingfisher with lunch—yes!
But I was lucky; the women on the tour were warm and made no judgment about my limitations. Besides, when we went to the night markets, they depended on me to find the best jewellery. My bruised ego was salved by their gratitude.
Marcelle had no such advantage on an archaeological tour to Turkey. She had long been a confident solo traveller, but on this tour, she thought she'd die of heatstroke trying to keep up. She could either stumble along, sweaty and miserable, or sit alone on a broiling bus; the AC was turned off while the others hiked the ruins. She knew no one else, and the group wasn't friendly. The tour leader curtly pointed out that the trip brochure said there would be extensive walking. "They were kind of like, 'What are you doing here?'", she said.
She threw in the Turkish towel after four sweltering days, and hired a driver to take her ahead to the last stop for a three-night stay in a charming boutique hotel. Though she paid quite a bit for that respite, it turned out to be the high point of the trip. She sent a photo of her dinner on the terrace and said, "Now I know the Turkey that suits me."
A traveller with health issues will need a backup plan should the original itinerary prove unworkable. The abler partner has to keep an eye out; even on an 'easy' trip, the less-vital partner may be dazzled by all on offer, and push too hard.
Another friend, C., will take a family trip to Sedona this winter. His preparation includes a 12-week strength, balance and mobility course at his local hospital. For those without local resources, a number of books and video programs are available on Amazon, from mat to water-based approaches. (Another plug here for the iBook "How to Watch TV and Get Fit", which builds strength at home in efficient three-minute sets.)
A list of tour companies which cater to varying levels of ability is here. Before selecting a tour (or planning a self-led trip), each person should speak openly about the realities of stamina and mobility but also about details such as the requirement for an elevator or the need for a regular nap. Then, choose what's realistic—never mind that you don't see every monument. You might also decide to scale the trip to meet those needs: a shorter flight or crossing fewer time zones can make or break the less-fit partner's experience.
As Rachel found, you have live with your partner or friend long after you've unpacked. "I plan for him to be comfortable on the trip", she said, "and that makes all the difference back home."
Comments
marywyatt
Gretchen: I had any travel companion(s) in mind when I wrote this. I've observed the same issues for intergenerational travel as for uneven aging.
Mme Là-bas: Aging can either bring such disorders or make them more prominent. It's smart to accommodate when you can, but not curtail your own travels, and you are lucky you two have reached that understanding.
Kamchick: I met friends in Paris last year, and the husband of the couple has Parkinson's. We adapted to his needs for rest. There were also times when he said he wanted to do something, then found he could not- so we had to have lots of "Plan B's".
But there were times when his wife, fired up and wanting to do one more long walk, was not always so caring. I felt caught in the middle- she had longed for this meet up for years. Generally it worked out, but it was a delicate situation.
angiemanzi: My first question reading your comment was, Has he always been like this, or did this arise in later years? Some persons are just homebodies. (The travel industry makes much of the glories of travel, but truly it is not enjoyed by everyone.)
If he was always an unwilling traveler, get out there and do what you love with a like-minded friend or group. If his reluctance has arisen in the past handful of years, then I'd wonder what is at the bottom of it? (Possible reasons include worry about the expense, concerns about personal safety, or unease in coping with other languages- and that's just a partial list.)
As soon as you label his preference for the comforts of the usual "laziness", you have written yourself a prescription for resentment- which harms a relationship. I am being very direct, but that's why I write this blog.
And maybe he is a little lazy- sometimes a person decides that the effort of travel is not all that rewarding. I doubt you will change his attitude, so a) read Mme Là-bas' comment, and b) try a short solo or group getaway and see how you like it.
Laura Jantek: I appreciate that you have added money to the equation. Stamina (what you call "the body") is, I have observed, the major factor, but money helps. An older couple I met recently love to go to India but have begun to book in several days ' stay enroute in Germany, where they formerly had just changed planes, to rest, and minimize to the jet lag. They say it has made a big difference to how they get off the plane in Mumbai.
Jean: That may be, and ultimately, that will be the case for most of us. I saw a chart that the insurance companies use; the prime travel age period was 65-75, with a marked decline by late 70s. Some superelders will globetrot in their 90s, but not many.
But also I think some people have the Travel Gene., like others have the Go Fast gene. I was talking. to a friend who was a competitive downhill skier in high school. I said downhill was sheer terror to me, and I realized some people are wired for it and others not.
I too enjoy solo travel, at least while I can still hoist a suitcase into an overhead bin.
Fortunately my female friend's son, his wife and their two children live above in the duplex.
My only AIEEEE reaction was the idea of a cruise. No, no, no.
Trains and rentals.
Every person has preferred means of travel. Ideally, I'd like a private railroad car!
Beth: Another friend said, "You want to test a relationship, go on a trip!" But she was speaking of new ones, but long-term relationships also change under the requirements of travel. Your habit of daily check-ins is terrific. Many travellers set an ambitious itinerary while still at home and feel bound to stick to it.
Laura Jantek: You and live in large, diverse cities with much to do, so "staycations" can be deeply satisfying. (When our children were small, we would do this occasionally- hire a sitter the kids especially liked', check into a local hotel for two nights, and lark about the way you can't with three year olds.)
A few years ago Le Duc and I celebrated a decade anniversary with a stay in a luxury inn a few hours' drive away. The cost was dizzying (we needed two rooms), and we agreed we would have been wiser to sleep in our own apartment and have dinner somewhere special in our own city.
And also about the cane. I know a number of persons who resist a cane (sometimes to the point of insisting a friend be their "device"), even though it would make a difference for both energy and safety. Another friend walks everywhere (not just on trips, when she walks through local streets, too) with Nordic walking poles. An illness left her with balance problems but the poles counteract that and she says she simply looks like a fitness enthusiast.