A valentine to imperfection
On Valentine's day, coupled or not, we are inundated with images of romantic love. But another love, love of ones' self, is on my mind today.When I watched "Oprah" while trotting on the treadmill, a certain kind of woman was a regular guest. She was a real person, articulate, nice-looking but limp, neglectful of her appearance, nutrition, spirit.
She was not, as Oprah often said, "living her best life". Either she vowed "I'm finally taking time for myself" or sat in front of an expert who told her to do so. For her, there was an arsenal of tools: gratitude journal, cute dress and boots, and–for really hard cases–Suze Orman. It always worked; by the credits, the woman looked relieved and radiant.
I felt happy for her: There, all better. But I always wondered what happened when she got home? Home to "Did you laminate my math project?", the dog throwing up in the laundry basket, the grind of being a partner or parent. (She always had children, did Oprah think single women were exempt from being a mess?) The woman now had an additional job, that of pursuing her best life–and not in schlumpadinka sweats.
Now that "Oprah" is gone, the story plays out in other media outlets, over and over; this 'best life' tends to involve spa visits, book clubs and finally doing something about the living room.
I'll bet most of us have tried the quick fixes. I too have felt the blues lift while wiggling my glossy fresh pedicure. But eventually, we have to let go of the notion of perfection as the path to love (aka self-esteem): it's a Mug's Game for two reasons.
First, the ability to accept and love ones' self is not an event (especially televised), and second, it cannot be done by seeking perfection and beating on ones' self for deficiencies.
Because it was said so much better by her, so I'm posting this 4-minute clip of the late dancer Gabrielle Roth. In it, she does something remarkable: she invites us to accept every aspect of our selves, without perfecting, defending and spending energy hiding our flaws.
I keep thinking of it, so it's my Valentine to you.
"If we could accept everything and dance with it all..."
- Gabrielle Roth, 1941-2012
Comments
On the video of Roth, I love the part where she says that just accepting lets us be free. I think for those of us especially that were raised with very critical and demanding parents, the light that goes on when we realize the world won't end if we aren't perfect is like opening a window after decades spent in a dark room.
Pseu: Yes, that's the moment that clicked for me, too- yet it is so against the culture of "keep working on yourself" (or your house)!
LPC.: Yes, and I so rarely hear anyone acknowledging their disowned side that I have decided attempt rules in this time and culture; Tiger Mom, Live Your Best Life, Protect & Perfect etc. Do more, be more, get more and hide any flaw- the overwhelming media script.
The best Valentine I have ever received. By a long shot. :)
The best Valentine I have ever received. By a long shot. :)
Susan Partian: It seems you are speaking of humility, which is another quality that has been eroded by the perfection-sellers. Humility means we witness our real selves, warts and all.
materfamilias: You are so close to both ends of life these days. I have no doubt it is a profound time.
Kristien62: Roth speaks about how much energy we waste trying to defend or cover up what we don't want to be, yet are. I have seen people come through an illness and stop doing that, and they have a clarity and lack of pretense that is startling because it's so rarely seen.
I don´t really believe in makeovers - particularly when spouses, children or friends instigate them. Ok, perhaps they want this person (a woman, most often) to be more self-appreciative, but the message comes across more like "you´re not good enough as you are". Change in how we present ourselves to the world should come from within, and be a reflection of who we are, not who we think we must be to be acceptable to others. It´s hard though. Everyone wants to be loved.
Vicktoria: I watched "What Not to Wear" at the gym yesterday, and have to admit I had fun trying to guess what they would do. And I suspect a number of women go back to their familiar look once off-camera, and of course makeovers are only the tip of the whole woman.
And yes. loved- for who they are.
Ruthanne: The video of Roth extends your goal by diving into the totality of what one is, not just the aspiration to be more or better, and I find that so freeing. Thanks for reading.
Kathy: I've found that deep reckoning is not done once (especially in young adulthood), because we change, and life changes us. Such work happens either routinely (as Susan Partian said) or at turning points in life- decade birthdays, recovery from an illness, or other "wake up moments".
And to have begun in one's 20s prepares the base for such awareness as one moves through life. Some women don't get to it till many decades later.