tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post3156896911711225321..comments2024-03-16T13:04:56.689-04:00Comments on Passage des Perles: Uneven aging: DutyDuchessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09986153653120526776noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-61614868242213629462017-11-16T10:08:54.237-05:002017-11-16T10:08:54.237-05:00Melissa Hubbard: This is "heavy duty Duty&quo...Melissa Hubbard: This is "heavy duty Duty". The answer seems obvious: book more help, through agencies, or independent caregivers, and the best are referrals from families who have engaged them. It is a patchwork of services: meal delivery, home attendants or cleaning, ride services. If you have friends who can act as runners/shoppers, ask them. (A friend once said to me, "Make them your mac and cheese, but in individual portions".) Even though your FIL would prefer every ounce of care be provided by his wife, he literally cannot see her exhaustion, and you are correct in sensing she needs relief. <br /><br />I hope your MIL can accept help, even when "strangers" enter the home to do some grooming or housekeeping. Those helpers save her energy so that she can provide the emotional support to him, a function no one else can do like she can. <br /><br />It is not so much "drawing the line" as "expanding the circle". I am well aware that services come at a cost, but if you have the means, it's time to spend- a battle I had with my Depression-era mother. <br /><br /> <br /> Duchessehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09986153653120526776noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-91239078853410942802017-11-16T09:58:22.868-05:002017-11-16T09:58:22.868-05:00What a beautiful meditation on such a poignant, un...What a beautiful meditation on such a poignant, universal topic.<br /><br />It serves for me as a reminder, a harbinger, an inspiration--and reminds me that we are always in "community", if we choose to recognize it.<br /><br />Merci, Duchesse :)Vintage Cat's Eyeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03337924971244753775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-72199442928731120072017-11-16T08:48:09.960-05:002017-11-16T08:48:09.960-05:00LauraH: The relationship between duty and guilt is...LauraH: The relationship between duty and guilt is fraught; duty is a moral or ethical obligation. If guilt is the primary driver of care, the intention changes. But guilt can be put to use, because it is a smoke alarm that we are violating (or about to) our values. Guilt "laid on" by others is a different matter: that person thinks you have violated •her• values.<br /><br />Duty is a concept attached to "virtue ethics", which guide Western religions and secular humanism, and is often interpreted as "doing what you would rather not, because have to." <br /><br />When we cannot locate within us duty's roots of compassion, or pollute our giving with guilt or shame, duty curdles into resentment and anger. Again, anger is a powerful signal that the one engaged in duty's needs are not being met.Duchessehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09986153653120526776noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-64119688244660759192017-11-16T08:41:38.469-05:002017-11-16T08:41:38.469-05:00This is such a difficult time in life and I am wat...This is such a difficult time in life and I am watching it first hand. We have just this week moved by ageing In-Laws down to be near us and have spent the whole week helping with the move, unpacking, organizing services, shopping, cooking, washing and cleaning up for them.<br />My Father-in-law is almost completely dependent. He has very little muscle strength and can barely move, needing help to get out of bed, dressed, toileted and showered, in and out of the chair. He can't give himself his insulin, he is basically blind, has no interest in doing anything but sleeping and eating, rarely talks and only one or two words, or nods, but he can feed himself. My Mother-in-law has been doing all of the caring for him and is totally worn out both emotionally and physically. She is frail, has osteoporosis, can barely walk and has little strength but she battles on because he doesn't want to be in Care. I am so worried that he will topple over as she tries to dress him and crush her. We have managed to get some respite care booked, but he is very unwilling to go, and she feels it her duty to look after him. The look of hope and relief in her eyes when we told her that she would have two weeks without being responsible for his care was heart-breaking. She will be fine in her independent living unit with some help from us and services, but he should be in nursing care. I adore my Mother-in-law and am very happy to be helping her, but with her doing so much caring for him I seem to spend most of my days caring for them both with the cooking, washing up, cleaning up, clothes washing, shopping, taking them to medical appointments. How do you draw the line so that you can adequately care for them and support them without it totally consuming your life! I have a medical practice to run and that is falling behind, as is my own household, and all meals have been taken with them since the move!Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07669497791582808521noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-53363471216163639582017-11-15T09:45:19.007-05:002017-11-15T09:45:19.007-05:00As always you write so thoughtfully and warmly abo...As always you write so thoughtfully and warmly about these situations. When I looked after my late husband I didn't think of it as duty but that's how I thought of the time I spent travelling to see my parents during the last years of their lives. During that time I saw my sister take on much more than she needed to out of a sense of duty, although I believe that for some reason guilt or avoidance of guilt played a big part in her actions. Being the dutiful daughter eventually led to a lot of resentment and anger, at my parents, at herself and at me. Duty can be a precarious idea.LauraHhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03402103522466794364noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-2315294008650775772017-11-15T08:46:56.155-05:002017-11-15T08:46:56.155-05:00Margie: Oops: I wanted to write, "I figure yo...Margie: Oops: I wanted to write, "I figure you already know that."Duchessehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09986153653120526776noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-65924536988255687292017-11-15T08:45:08.527-05:002017-11-15T08:45:08.527-05:00Margie: If you plan to share housing, living with ...Margie: If you plan to share housing, living with a friend may be "the devil you know". I figure you have already know that, but your comment really made me think. Shared accommodation makes so much sense as housing is the biggest cost for seniors (besides transportation, but that changes if you do not need a car.) <br /><br />And sometimes you know you just could not live with a particular person, no matter how financially advantageous. Having a roommate after years of being on one's own is bound to be an adjustment no matter who it is.Duchessehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09986153653120526776noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-9847174991417443502017-11-15T07:56:43.056-05:002017-11-15T07:56:43.056-05:00Mme Là-bas: In a family, I have seen the dynamic w...Mme Là-bas: In a family, I have seen the dynamic where one child (often a daughter) assumes the major share of care, and is celebrated for her devotion. But as you said, sometimes she is overburdened. It takes a big spirit for siblings or friends to see that and lend a hand. Some parents reinforce the dynamic unwittingly, because they have a favourite, at least as far as care goes.<br /><br />I have always admired those who extend care and companionship to those who are not even family members, through volunteer work or just informally- and I think that sense of social connection is eroding. I am grateful some still do that, and as my generation ages, I'm going to bet we will need them.<br /><br /> <br /><br />Duchessehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09986153653120526776noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-6692626827685529062017-11-14T22:13:14.405-05:002017-11-14T22:13:14.405-05:00You have struck a chord with your uneven ageing po...You have struck a chord with your uneven ageing posts. Some friends and family have different health concerns. Some of us see "duty" differently. My mother requires a lot of connection and I as the eldest seem to be the most "dutiful". My bipolar husband requires an "anchor" even though he resents it. It is important to realize that we are human and that it is hubris that pushes us to stretch ourselves too thinly.Madame Là-bashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16703782237948233124noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-55433726426198147812017-11-14T19:55:56.881-05:002017-11-14T19:55:56.881-05:00Beautifully expressed and so timely for so many of...Beautifully expressed and so timely for so many of us. This is a tricky time with challenges that come from places we least expect. Easier to ignore than acknowledge and discuss. Thanks for bringing it up in such a sensitive but still head-on fashion. Thanks for being you, Duchesse!Kate Budackihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03970570178363211489noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-47250010099808490812017-11-14T10:50:24.839-05:002017-11-14T10:50:24.839-05:00You do such an excellent job of finding issues and...You do such an excellent job of finding issues and emotions that are touching all of us who have luckily reached a certain age, and expressing them in a way that delights. My husband and I have no children, but both of our mothers are still living, and both require quite a bit of our attention, in very different ways. Couple that with my not improving chronic pain and fatigue condition, and my husband's workaholic ways, and there's a lot of care flowing in a lot of directions!<br /><br />Thank you, always, for the care you put in these posts. It is truly appreciated.<br />hugs,<br />JaniceThe Vivenne Fileshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05740975051742023907noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-690219465802655642017-11-14T10:11:01.444-05:002017-11-14T10:11:01.444-05:00I LOVE THIS POST. Thank you so much for putting i...I LOVE THIS POST. Thank you so much for putting into words what so many of us are experiencing. angiemanzihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13832399208548135579noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2872918251244874644.post-37718372816607070542017-11-14T08:22:06.715-05:002017-11-14T08:22:06.715-05:00This is such a thoughtful - and timely post, espec...This is such a thoughtful - and timely post, especially for those of a certain age. In the past 3 years I've had two surgeries that required post-op assistance - and my friends were there for me - just as I have been there for them when needed, and I am very, very grateful.<br />At the same time I think it is wise to know one's limitations. I may have to go the roommate route within a few years because of financial considerations and I know that one friend is thinking of doing the same and has hinted that we should search for a place together. I hesitate because of her never ending real and imagined health issues. I help where I can now and lend an ear when she just needs a moan - but I also know that at times I need to limit contact as her one and only topic of conversation becomes her health. I could not listen to this day in and day out as I am of the opposite persuasion - stoic until real need means that I must seek assistance. Living with her day in and day out would destroy our friendship as I could not be a 24 hour a day caregiver.<br />A few of my friends are divorced or widowed and each of them says that they would never remarry - either because they feel that men are looking for a nurse - or because they've done it once (and did so freely and lovingly) but knows that she just could not go through it again.<br />Since I am on my own with no family near by I am free to assist friends where and when I can - and do - and I have also now started to give back via volunteering - and yes I do consider this a duty but not one that I resent. It is something that I find gives back to me in so many unexpected ways.Margie from Torontohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10103835021764804099noreply@blogger.com